I Did This To Me (Justin Bieber)

Chapter Thirty-Four: Jesika

Dear Journal,

I honestly don't know what to do. I know I should forget about him, but I can't. I've just been moping around and calling him so many times. I did give up on calling him. Obviously he wasn't answering. But I couldn't just forget about him. Claire tried helping me but it wasn't working. It got to the point where I pretended I was fine at school and then went straight home and curled up on my bed. 

Its silly, all of this because of one boy, but I had never felt like that about anyone before and it hurt that he left. He didn't even tell me he was leaving! No note, no message! Nothing! His grandfather had to tell me! And he hasn't even tried to call me or anything.

It wouldn't be so bad if he would just pick up his phone and call me. Tell me what happened. Just something. He just needs to stop ignoring me.

Claire is forcing me to have a movie marathon with her, Blake, Ryan, and Chaz. I didn't really want to but she didn't give me a choice.

Jesika Williams ; October 15, 2011

I was curled up on my bed in a sweatshirt and sweatpants when the four of them came into my room with popcorn and movies. "Guys I don't want to do anything." I told them and pushed my face into my pillow.

"Which is exactly why you are." Claire told me and pulled me so I was sitting up. "You need to hang out with us. We miss you."

"I'm just not in a good mood lately."

"Well I know that, but that doesn't mean you shouldn't hang out with us. We can help." Blake said as he came to help Claire. They forced me to sit between them and watch the movie. 

I couldn't really watch the movie because my thoughts wouldn't shut up. 

What if Justin just wanted me to like him so he could say he can make anyone a fan? 

What if he never really liked me anyway? 

Maybe he was just using me. I honestly didn't know much about him so how do I know he even cared.

About half way through, I was beginning to feel very claustrophobic and my heart was starting to race. "I need to go outside." I told Claire and Blake and they let go of my arms. I needed the cold air.

Stumbling out onto my balcony I looked over at the closed window to Justin's room. Why did you have to go?

My phone started ringing in my pocket and I took it out looking at the caller ID.

Justin.

I stared at it for a minute to make sure my eyes were seeing correctly and finally I answered and put the phone to my ear.

"Hello?" My voice was a lot smaller than I had wanted it to be. I couldn't help it though. Its been half a month and this is the first time I've talked to him.

"Jesika?" His voice came out and everything inside of me just collapsed and I dropped to my knees on my balcony. 

"Why did you leave like that?" I couldn't help it, I was crying and I needed an answer. I needed to know what made him think he could leave me like that.

"Jes, I'm sorry."

"Justin, I've heard that before." I told him and I realized, no matter what came out of his mouth after that, it wouldn't be enough. It would never be enough. "I can't do this with you Justin." My voice was broken, shattered into a million pieces, just like my heart. But this had to be done. "I can't keep playing your games because its taking its toll on me and I can't do this."

"What? Just wait Jes."

"It never would have worked out anyway so its good we figured this out before someone really got hurt. Before we started something that could damage everything." I told him. 

"Jesika."

"Goodbye Justin." I told him and hung up before I could change my mind. I dropped my phone onto my balcony and just sat there hugging my knees to my chest. The tears flowing freely. I could handle this after I cried. I just needed to let it all out for a minute. Just everything that had happened. 

My ringtone played out and I just ignored it. I wouldn't give in to him. It was done and over with and soon enough he'd get bored of calling me. 

When I had finished crying and nothing was left to come out I stood up. I wiped it all away from my face and let myself calm down a little before walking back into my room to finish the movie with my friends. 

I could do this.

*****

It had been a week since Justin's phone call and I had gotten over it all. At first I blamed everyone around me but I knew that was wrong. I did this to me and there was no one to blame but myself. 

After a while I no longer let myself think about him and I put all my energy into my school work and my friends. I was laughing with Claire again and hanging out with Blake. They had brought me ice skating a couple of times since it was getting colder and colder each day. We spent most of our time at the mall, just walking around. Anything to get me out of the house. I even decided to take my drivers test and I passed on my first try.

Distractions were a good thing for me. They helped me get through the days when I couldn't get him out of my head.

There was a little cafe that we found where we did our homework and studied. It was small and there was free internet access so it was the perfect place for us. Claire and Ryan were still together and he joined us a few times, but he mostly was interested in distracting us more than anything. So if it was important that we studied we didn't invite him. Chaz and I were back to being friends and I was glad for that.

The night after Justin called, I called Christian and told him everything that had happened and he made me feel better about it. I told him that I wished he was here to get me away from all this and we made plans for me to visit over my break. Caitlin had even apologized to me, over the phone of course, for everything that had happened between us. She told me that she was trying to keep something that hadn't been there for a while and she was sorry that I had gotten caught in the middle. Because I was so shocked, I accepted her apology.

Mom had gotten promoted to a higher position and we were planning to take a trip over to London so Ty could check out schools over there as he had decided he wanted to go to university instead of just doing it online. He wanted the experience. We were doing that during my summer break. Mom had bought me a car with her bonus so I was a driver now.

Ty got a girlfriend. Her name is Sierra and she's super nice. She's taken me shopping a few times and they are getting really serious. Its good for him to have her. I'm happy for him. Sierra is really pretty. She has dark brown hair with chestnut eyes. Her face is the cute heart shape and her skin is flawless. She's a little taller than me but a lot shorter than Ty still.

Needless to say, I have moved on and I'm getting to where I'm okay with moving on. I'm getting to a point where the world is back under my feet and where things are starting to move again. I'm not at a standstill wondering what happened to my life.

And right now, that has to be enough.