The Insanity Of Losing You (boyxboy) {Book One of the Insanity Of... Series}

Epilouge

​It's always strange to fall in love. First it starts off with a crush, then there's the first date, then the first kiss, after that comes the moment where you tell that person you love them, but then what? If love is supposed to last forever then why are we waiting for our true love to show their affection? Well, the answer is simple. We have to be the ones to go out of our way to do even the littlest things for that one special person.

​When Sam told me about the idea of renewing our vows, I was all for it. The wedding was just as special as the first one, only we weren't eighteen. Now we couldn't be more in love. Every day I just wake up next to him and find him smiling at me like an idiot. Yet I still kiss him and smile back.

​Sam convinced me to go back to the cemetery to visit Dakota and Ani. Once he put a book into my hand and got me into the car, I was prepared for the worst of moments. Ani and Dakota weren't buried too far from each other. So we visited Dakota first and told her about what she was missing.

​There was no end to love with me and my husband. Even Dakota was probably smiling somewhere up there.

​When he kisses me, I feel the world around us stop to watch and the warm sun shine down on us. It's like he's the Earth and I'm the Moon, both of us are depending on each other to survive. He is the reason why I can put our love on paper and make it into something special. And I am the reason why he is still stable. We would always live by the rumors and stereotypes. I am Lane Hart, the depressed cutter who loves literature and movies and cliché things. And he is Sam Matthews the gay football player who fell in love with his best friend in high school. We are what every love story wish they had. We are just two boys who said "fuck it" and showed our love to the rest of the world.

​I found my suicide note in my copy of The Perks Of Being a Wallflower when I was cleaning out the attic one day. I showed it to my husband and he read it thoroughly. But after he just hugged me and told me that he was glad I was still there to be with him. I keep both the book and the note in my nightstand drawer. Unlocked.

​Sometimes I take the note out and read it. Today I decided to put it in my notebook. I haven't stopped reading it since I got to the cemetery. Fifteen years ago I had written that note and yet it seemed so real.

​Dear friend, family member, or person,

​If you are reading this, I have decided to end it all. Just know that it is not your fault that I have done this, it is my own fault for falling into depression so easily.

Mom and Dad, I am sorry for this. I know that you saw me as such a happy person when I was around you but that was far from the truth. I only acted happy so you would be happy too. The truth is, I would put anyone's joy before mine.

There are probably a lot of questions through teary eyes that you need to know. Why did I do it? How did I get so many pills? Why were there blades in my drawer?

The truth is I am gay. And I thought coming out to my friends would make everything better but in reality it only made things worse. People started to bully me and call me a faggot and this had continued on for far too long. I started to cut my wrists using the blades and every now and then I would think of suicide, which is sad, but it's the truth. And I finally did it. All of the things I have ever achieved and accomplished have all gone to waste and I'm sorry. I have failed as a son, Mom and Dad. And I couldn't be sorrier for that than anything else.

There's one more thing you should know. I fell in love with Sam and he was my boyfriend for a while before I swallowed the pills. That's right, the same boy that I knew for my whole life and came over the house practically every day. He was the only one who could put a smile on my face for even just a little while. Let him read this too, please. He needs to know that this isn't his fault. Tell him that he was the reason that I survived this long and that I want to thank him for loving me.

Again, I'm sorry. But I had to do this. To whomever is reading this, thank you for having an impact on my short life. And tell Sam that I love him. Goodbye forever.

​​​​​​​​​​Love always,
​​​​​​​​​​       Lane

Even now as my husband nudges me to go on, I still have that feeling of not being able to put my emotions into words. I keep remembering that night where we went over to the football field. That one great night. And I'm reminded of why I love him.

We put the flowers down on Ani's grave and sat with her. And even though I hate endings, death always seems to be the most frequent one. But I'm not dying anytime soon and neither is Sam. We still have a lot of living to do, even if life makes it seem like we're already dead.

​My husband is now telling me to stop writing in my notebook and say something nice for her. But even he knows that I'll never stop writing as long as I live. I stare at the dash mark between her year of birth and her year of death and I sadly know that is the only thing that represents her meaning to life. Her first time walking, her first day of school, her first date, her first kiss; all of that represented by only a single dash mark. And what makes tears roll down my cheeks is that when I die, that will resemble me. Everything I've ever worked for and accomplished will be just a dash on a piece of rock. Knowing that makes not even the comfort of Sam make me feel better. But I still smile for him.

​"Hello, Ani." I say shakily. "I guess we have some catching up to do, don't we?"

​Sam kisses my cheek and waits for me to go on.
​
I hold up my small notebook, "I want to read you something. It's called The Insanity of Losing You and I wrote it. It's a love story." I wiped the tears away. "And believe it or not, you're in it. I hope this can be the happy ending you've always wanted."

​There are some things in life that we can't recreate. And there are some that we can. When I kissed him on that football field, I knew we had done something special that would stay with the both of us forever.

To all of those out there struggling with sexuality, identity, or anything that makes you feel like like you don't deserve to be a part of this world; just know that it really does get better. It's not just a thing people say so you can be happy again. I was at that same low point in my life but now I have a husband and a kid that need me just as much as I need them. So don't think that you have nothing to live for. Because you do. You just have to be patient. And it will come to you.

The End