The crush </3

Chapter 37

*Chapter 37*

Kharma has vanished.

He hasn't been at school since monday and I'm to scared to ask anyone why, in case they make a big deal of me asking... which knowing my class... they would. So I've tried to wait it out and either ask when someone brings him up or find him on facebook. He hasn't been online and no one's mentioned him....

I'm writing this chapter around 10 past 11 on a wednesday. I should be at school... but I can't bring myself to go. Without Kharma, problems are facing me again. Alex and Jard aren't being good friends at the moment. Well... they think I'm overreacting... but I'm not. Yesterday is a good example.

I was sitting with them on the field. They were on their phones and ipods, once again being drowned in mindless tech. To me, a phone or Ipod is used at home or in class. When you can't talk to anyone so you plug in your tunes or play a game. You shouldn't use it when friends are around because you should be talking to them, and havng fun away from the techno shit. Anywhoo. They were on their boring old phones and Ipods, so I started talking to them and they talked back.

I'm a bit random. Thats just me as a person. I love imagining and exploring endless ideas that can never happen. Alex and Jard don't get this. By what I can tell. Jard grew up not being very creative. Not in a bad way or good way. She is creative but on a realistic level, and anything out there and insane isn't worth a penny to her. Alex is a bit better then Jard when it comes to random or imaginary things. But when with jard she goes dull and tries to tone it down, something I would never do in the presence of anyone. SO! sorry for gabbling. I was talking to them and my mind was racing,  It got to a point where we were on about people asking to get into suitcases to join people on trips. I'm sure you've heared the line as much as I have. When you're going on holiday and someone goes, "ohhhh can I come!! I'll just fit in your suitcase!." I personally pissed myself laughing because my mind began racing to all kinds of stuff that could lead on from there. Jardine and Alex said to me, "stop... you've killed the joke." I was unable to get my shit together and continued laughing, gosh it was funny! like what if it wasn't a suitcase it was like.... people saying " yo man I wanna go with you on yo holiday"... and then they jump in your bra or something... Ok its not that funny but because Jard and Alex were telling me to shut up, it made me find it funnier. Probably because I hate when people tell me to shut up and so I defy them by talking or laughing more.

Sensing they were getting annoyed with my laughing I started a new topic of talk,. I was just told to shut up. I said I found that rude, and then they told me to shut up again. I then said that they were rude and went silent, to which their reply was I was rude for telling them that they were. I rolled my eyes and said that  they were wrong and they told me to shut up again. which I pointed out was rude and then it continued like that.

Eventually I said I don't like them talking to me like that, and they said it was just a joke. I said I didn't like that humor. With their tones getting more and more sharp they snapped that it wasn't humor, I said that if it was a joke then it was some kind of humor, a humor and joke that I do not like nor find funny. They just told me to shut up again. 

I'm not sure if I was overreacting... but if they had done this just that one time, I would have been fine with it. But they do it every single day, not only that do they shun me, ignore me, team up against me and make me feel like shit. And when I try to point out this they say I'm overreacting or that I do just the same... which I don't because its not in me to do so.  This is not what friends should do. So I left and joined another group. From then on I had a blast!! We played catch with an airplane and I laughed so hard!  And I told some people my dilema and they said it didn't sound like a joke and they sounded like bullies... so there you go.

Anyway. Jard and Alex never used to be like this.... well they did but it wasn't too often it was just once every couple of weeks or months you know. But now its everyday and I'm starting to hate hanging with them more and more. You know I have never stayed at their houses in the 2 years I have known them, well 1 and a half years. They have been around to mine, and I've invited them countless of times just to be ditched the last moment. I feel like a third wheeler to them rather then a friend. I have known ariarn just 2 terms and I've been to hers countless times and she's been to mine! I'm not sure if that means anything in itself or what ever I don't know. Maybe ariarn is just more social? I can see why she doesn't hang out with us at school anymore though.

I have never told anyone this... but I think that I should share why I like Kharma. It links too much with the 'feeling like shit' stuff that my so called friends put me through. It also might explain a lot for why I don't just move on and like someone else.

Last year I hit rock bottom. My parents were fighting, I had no friends... or felt like that anyway. And I was just so sad and found nothing worth living for. One day I was sat with Jard and Alex on the stairs and Jard said something to me that completely ruined whatever happiness I had left. She said I was a missed abortion. This was said knowing how strongly I despised them. She claims it was a joke even to this day and Alex still agrees with her. But to me its not something you say as a joke, espescially to a 'friend'. I had to leave them and I walked off alone. I cried in the bathrooms for a while and when  the bell rung, I went to class more angry then anything else. Some people noticed but I denied anything was wrong. Alex just pointed out to me that I was overreacting and that made me go away from her even further. I spent that class alone and in darkened thoughts. I've never told anyone this ever... and my hands are actually shaking as I'm writing this... but I planned to actually kill myself when I got home.

It was five minutes from hometime and everyone was waiting at the door. I stared out the window and thought about the perfect ways of execution. The least painful way, the worst, and those imbetween. I snapped out of my thoughts to find kharma looking at me. He was waving to me and he had the most amazing smile on his face. He made me laugh... something I actually hadn't done for months. I smiled back at him and then the bell rung and I went home feeling so strange. Kharma made me feel so happy, I'm not really sure how. His gestures were so little but it felt like he knew.... and like he cared. I saw a quote around 2 minutes ago that actually explained this - 'sometimes the smallest things take up the most room in your heart.'-  He gave me something to live for.

Not wanting to sound dramatic... but if it wasn't for kharma, I probably wouldn't be alive and writing this today.

Thats why I don't mind changing for him. Thats why I put on make-up, thats why I don't eat. 

I look at kharma as my hero. Like when people love God because he helped them through depression, or gave them hope or something....  I love Kharma because he saved my life. I will forever love him, even if I do move on... I will always love him in some way. I will do anything for him. He's my hero and I will spend eternity trying to make him happy. 

So thats why I Iove Kharma and thats why I'm having second thoughts on my friendships.... 

*thank you if you read this and please look out for the next chapter love kayleigh xx* This was a depressing chapter ewsh O.o hopefully the next one will be better xx