bitter || zarry stylik

twenty-three

some beautifully sad songs:

> old money by lana del rey
> all too well by taylor swift
> build you up by kim taylor
> half a heart by one direction
> good enough by little mix
> i swear this time I mean it by mayday parade (emo I know)
> u.n.i. by ed sheeran
> grapefruit by aaron west and the roaring twenties
> fear and loathing by marina and the diamonds
> who'd have known by lily allen
> eyes wide by meadowlark
> jolene by ray lamontagne
> songbird by fleetwood mac
> should have known better by sufjan stevens
> asleep by the smiths
> cry baby by melanie martinez
> golden by ruth b.

stay lovely and stay safe ❤️

-

Zayn's face pales, and he quickly shakes his head. "Of course not! Harry, I love you. So much. But we have to keep our relationship a secret. Not because I'm ashamed of you - because honestly, I couldn't be less ashamed of you - but because us being together jeopardises my job and reputation. I'm not saying you don't come first, I'm just saying in order to maintain this lifestyle I've become accustomed to, I must keep my job and reputation."

Harry understands, but he can't help but feel a little let down. And he can't shake the feeling that Zayn is ashamed of him. Because honestly, why would someone like Zayn (successful, handsome, brilliant and kind) like someone like Harry (sad, unpredictable, inefficient, mopey, and downright crazy)? To Harry, it just doesn't make sense.

"Okay." Harry doesn't know what else to say. He is a little upset, but he doesn't know exactly what he was expecting. "Let's go, I've lost my appetite."

Zayn frowns, and this time doesn't reach for Harry's hand as they walk out onto the street and hail a taxi. The cab ride is practically silent, aside from the cabbie's annoyingly loud chewing.

Harry can't help but think his and Zayn's dynamic has changed. They both still love each other very much, but something is different. Harry just wants to get back to how it was just earlier today. So he'll suck it up and be Zayn's secret boyfriend.

"Harry, I'm sorry-"

"Zayn, it's okay. Really. I understand. Now, we're here, so let's go." Harry smiles half-heartedly at Zayn, and pays the taxi driver, and follows Zayn up the stairs into his office. Zayn waves at his receptionist, who frowns at his informal and I'll-fitting clothes.

"Dr. Malik, you haven't been in in a number of days. Are you alright?"

"Yes, I was a little bit under the weather. But I'm fine now. Terry, you know Harry. Are you aware of my newest position in his case? I have taken on the role of his supervisor, and therefore will not be in as much. Please plan your updated schedule accordingly. Thank you, Terry." Zayn smiles politely, before opening his office and seating Harry on one of the three leather chairs. After Zayn shuts the door, he clears his throat. "Um, Harry, what would you like to talk about today?"

Harry seems distracted, Zayn notices. Harry is practically staring a hole in the remaining empty chair, and flinches when Zayn waves his hand in front of Harry's face. "Harry, are you alright? You-"

"There's not an even number of chairs. I can't think. Sorry. Can we move that chair?" All through his tense speech, Harry avoids Zayn's eyes, and cracks his knuckles nervously.

Zayn nods solemnly, and pushes the chair out into the waiting room. "Alright, is that okay?"

"Yeah."

"Let's talk about your past therapist, Dr. Parrish. You said you had a weird relationship with her? Can you tell me more about that?" Zayn's expression is unreadable, and Harry doesn't like that.

"Well, she was very... handsy. And treated me like a child. She was-"

Zayn's eyes widen. "Harry, what do you mean 'handsy'? Did she have an inappropriate view of you?"

Harry squirms in his seat, and almost considers telling Zayn he wants to talk about something else. "Yeah. She always was saying I looked sexy or cute or something. I really didn't like her at all. She made me call her all these weird names."

Zayn frowns, and he can feel his heart pick up speed. "What is an example of some of names?"

"Um, she liked me to call her... mommy."