Everything About You

Chapter 50

-KATIE’S POV-

“Mhm…” I groaned as I stretched out my limbs before curling back into a ball. I snuggled up to the pillows, buried in heaps of blankets as the sky darkened. Niall was later than usual which made the night drag on. I brought up guide on the TV, flipping through the pages of TV shows and movies. Boring… boring… stupid… weird… boring… eh, Friends is pretty funny. As a commercial popped on, I took out my phone and decided to text Niall. I quickly tapped the icon, not realizing I had accidentally clicked Twitter. Although I tended to avoid such social networks, I didn’t see the hurt in spending a few minutes on there. I switched the account to my old directioner one since none of the boy’s fans had discovered it yet. As I scrolled through my timeline, I inevitably saw hate messages. I expected it but it still hurt. “Ugly”… “Fat”… “Publicity stunt”… “Monster”… “Not good enough for him”… and that was just the beginning.

Just like that my mind began falling into darkness. I clung to the miniscule amount of optimism I had. I had amazing friends and an incredible boyfriend. But how do I know I’m nothing more than a charity case to them? I never actually thought someone would love me anyways. It was nice though… pretending for a little while. Pretending that I was worthy of a happy life. Robotically my legs carried me to the bathroom. I grimaced at the girl in the mirror. Jiggling thighs and flabby arms attached to my obese upper body. My ribs were nowhere to be seen. My back dimples had faded beneath the chub. I was a disgrace to the band. To my friends. To Niall. How could I let him be with a girl like this? I needed to be thinner… prettier… smarter… funnier… everything I’ve never been. I had an urge to rip the fat from my body… to correct my imperfections… to be worth it. Worth Niall’s love, worth friendship, worth happiness. So many thoughts were consuming my mind, each taking a part in eating away at what little self confidence I had. I needed the pain to go away… I needed… I needed…

To cut.    

Weeks of recovery fled down the drain along with blood. With a single blade I had reopened old wounds, literally and metaphorically. Why was I so weak?

“Babe, I’m home!” I froze at his voice.

The sound of his feet on the stairs snapped me back to reality. He couldn’t know what just occurred. I wrenched the faucet knob to the left, the water pouring out as I drained the evidence. I yanked my sleeve down and hid the blade in our toothbrush cup. Wise? Maybe not, but my options were limited.

“Hey babe, are you in there?” Niall questioned with a light knock on the door.

I sighed deeply; relieved I had made good timing. “Oh hey babe! I didn’t know you were home.”

The door creaked open and Niall entered, wrapping his arms around me from behind. “I missed you! Sorry I was so late today.” 

“You could’ve called.” I snapped, anger towards myself projecting onto him.

“Sorry, my phone had died.”

“What if there had been an emergency? You should be more responsible.”

“I’m sorry, it was an accident!”

“No, it was a choice not to bring your charger to the studio.”

“Is something wrong?”

“Nothing is wrong! Why does something have to be wrong for me to be mad? Maybe I just don’t like the fact that my boyfriend didn’t return any of my texts or calls.”

“Well, I was going to offer to get us Nando’s but I’d hate to miss one of your calls.”

“You’re such an ass.”