The Rockstar Within Me

The Rock Star Within Me - Chapter 51

Copyright 2013

I was dreaming. For this, I was sure. 

The outside of my vision was hazy and everything seemed to glow.

In this dream I was sitting by myself at long table in a large banquet hall. The room was dressed up to the nines with flowers and fairy lights and there were people everywhere. Some of the people were having intimate conversations, while others were dancing to a song that I could not hear.

I became aware that I was the only one sitting and seemed to be the only one by myself. Everyone was so engrossed with their partners that they didn’t even notice me.

Out of the crowd slowly walked a refined man, whose hair was dark and combed back and whose green eyes shined with amusement. He wore one of the finest suits that I had ever seen, as if he had stepped out of the Great Gatsby pages himself.

In fact, it seemed like everyone was dressed up in similar attire. The women wore exquisite cocktail dresses that had many diamonds facetted on them while the men wore sharp suits making them look dashing.

Looking down at what I was wearing, I became mortified. Instead of a similar dress to the ones the women were wearing, I wore my simple over sized pajamas.

As the handsome man continued to walk towards me, I began to panic over what I was wearing. It paled in comparison and I began to worry if he would be embarrassed by me.

Without stopping, the man came straight up to me, his grin never faltering, His hand came from his side and outstretched towards me.

I looked between his face and his hand, not knowing really what to do. Out of sheer curiosity, I placed my hand timidly in his.

The man bent down and his lips ever so gracefully touched my skin in a gentle kiss. Without moving, his eyes flashed open and his green eyes were smoldering.

I didn’t know what to do, it was if he was hypnotizing me with his green orbs.

The man stood up in one fluid motion and pulled me upwards into his chest, spinning me in the process.

Suddenly one hand was holding my waist and the other was clasped in mine as we slowly danced to a song that I couldn’t hear. 

The man and I were dancing and it was the most beautiful experienced that I could ever remember having in a dream. He was so focused on me that I almost felt embarrassed under his gaze but I had truly never felt safer in someone’s arms.

His handsome features were chiseled as if he was a statue coming to life and I could barely believe that such a man was before me.

A lock of his dark hair fell in front of the man’s face and without hesitating I brushed it away, my fingers lingering on his porcelain face.

Something changed then and though his smile did not waver, something in his eyes did. Before they were clear and loving but now there was something malicious to them.

The man stepped out of my reach and I felt my disappointment.

He turned and started to walk back through the crowd.

Panicking, I began to call out begging for him to stop. I couldn’t hear my own voice.

I pushed past people who seemed to not realize that I was in turmoil. They didn’t notice me, as they were lost in their own lover’s eyes.

As quick as I could, I tried to follow the man.

Every couple of feet he would turn around and his once fantastic grin would now torment me.

“River!” I screamed out. “Stop. Stop!”

I don’t know when I realized it was him, or why I hadn’t recognized him earlier but now it seemed too late.

I was beginning to spin out of control as I called for him to stop.  But River disappeared into the sea of people and I lost him.

Spinning around I tried to figure out where I was, but everything looked the same. Not only had I lost him but now I was lost too.

An utter depression washed over. I knew I was crying as I fell to the floor.

I couldn’t stand up, I couldn’t move; I was frozen to the ground. All the while the patrons of the dance, continued to spin around me as if I wasn’t there.

At that moment of complete hopelessness, I woke up.

I was breathing deeply and I was sweating. I sat up immediately to survey my surroundings and found myself in the small bedroom I shared with Jess.

The sun was just starting to rise and Jess slept soundly in the opposite bed, not realizing that I was having a panic attack beside her. 

I clutched my chest as I tried to steady my breathing.

Oh my gosh. I felt like I was going to throw up.

I scrambled to get myself to the bathroom.

Throwing open the door, I ran down the hallway and locked the washroom door behind me.

Without thinking about it, I sat in the bathtub and turned on the shower and let the water completely soak me.

Finally, I was able to lean back and let my breathing slow down as the cold water cascaded around me. 

What was that about? I asked myself.

How could River show up in my dream and have that so much of an affect on me? Why was I still so wrapped around his little finger?

As if on cue, I started to cry.

Why was I still so obsessed with him? How come that him rejecting me in a dream could launch a full on panic attack when I was awake? Why was I so happy when he was holding me, in a dream or in real life?

I was starting to really forgive him, I realized in horror. I was beginning to look past what he had done.

As I realized that, I began to cry harder and it took a lot of energy to try and quiet myself down. I bit down on my lip until I tasted blood to stop my cries from being heard by the others who were still sleeping.

I couldn’t get his face out of my head. Those green eyes, that grin… they haunted me.

I groaned.

I was such a fool.

A fool who was in love with the man who had once been unfaithful to her. 

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Ta-da!  

Sorry for a bit of a lack of updates there and I know it's short but I think the next chapter will make up for it!

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