Bungou Stray Dogs Oneshots (Reader Insert)

Doppo Kunikida x Reader

Tap Tap.
Tap Tap.
"What's up Kunikida? Ants in the pants? You're making us nervous." Atsushi sighed while he was running through the room to help with the paperwork. Kunikida tapped his pen continuously on a table as if he were impatiently waiting for something. Ranpo scolded him, saying that he couldn't sleep because of the noise. "Tch." he snarled at him in annoyance before Dazai wrapped his arm around his partner's shoulder. "Don't be mean to Kunikida-kun~ He's just waiting for our sweet [Y/n], whom he fell head over heels for~"
Kunikida turned bright red, and knocked Dazai down. "Stop spouting bullshit and get back to work, you lazy shit!" he hissed angrily. Dazai snickered and grinned slyly. "What a pity. I was about to tell you how to make her yours~" Upon hearing these words, Kunikida let go of Dazai and blinked.
"You wanna tell us how to get a woman? Since when do you have experience with women?" Ranpo asked, amused. "Oh, there are many things about me that you don't know, my dear friends~" Dazai said with a hidden tone of seriousness, all the while sitting the wrong way on his chair.
"I hope this time around your advice is not only said to taunt me." Kunikida murmured and looked over to a clock. It was near the time you would arrive.
But why did you visit the Agency at all?
Well, you are a messenger of sorts from the Police Department, and delivered cases the police entrusted the Agency. Every now and then, you stopped by for a cup of coffee and some small talk with your new friends. Kunikida found himself head over heels for you in no time.
"You have to give her compliments! That's important. For example.. When she bends over, you say: 'Your butt is so gorgeous! Like a graceful unicorn~" Dazai explained. "...graceful unicorn.." Kunikida mumbled as he wrote this down in his notebook. The others tried not to burst out in laughter at this. "Kunikida-kun.. I don't think [Y/n] wants to hear those things.." Atsushi said. Kunikida glared daggers at the man tiger, causing the latter to yelp. "Don't stick your nose in this, brat. Adults are talking here." he hissed and turned back to Dazai. "Exactly! And when she appears, a suitable greeting is to slap her ass~ She likes it."
„Slap her.. isn't that called sexual harassment?" Kunikida asked, slightly disoriented. Dazai waved his hand and shook his head. "No, she's into it, you'll see."
Kenji snickered and Tanizaki sighed. Everyone wanted to warn Kunikida from following Dazai's advice, but to be honest they wanted to see your reaction..
"Konnichi-wa diligent detectives~" your happy voice echoed through their office, and you were greeted with a slight hug from Dazai. "How are you doing [Y/n]-chan? Enjoying your career training?" Dazai grinned and urged you to Kunikida's direction. "Yes it's fun. Still." you answered because he asked this question every time you visited.
"Hello Kunikida-kun." you smiled at the blond who straighted himself up. "H..Hi, [Y/n]-chan.." he mumbled and accidentally let some papers fall to the ground by his working place. "Damn it!"
"I'll help you!" you exclaimed and moved beside him. You bent over in front of him to pick up his stuff. Kunikida stared at your butt before he turned to Dazai. His partner just gave a thumbs up before Kunikida sighed and gave your butt a slight slap. You jumped in surprise and stood up. "Nani? What was that for?" you asked him. You always thought Kunikida was modest.
"Your.. butt is.. as elegant as a unicorn and.. magnificent like.. like.." he tried to find the right word and looked over at Dazai, who was holding up a picture. "..a baboon...Wait wha--"
SLAP
Kunikida was shocked to see you storm out of the office. Your hand-print was visible on his cheek and his glasses hung low on his ear. The entire office burst into laughter and Dazai even fell from his chair laughing loudly. "You did it! Man, Kunikida-kun I really fooled you!"
"KISAMA!" Kunikida yelled and began to strangle Dazai. "Calm down! Follow her and say sorry!" Atsushi said, still holding his hand before his mouth to stifle his laughter. Kunikida let out a heavy sigh, but followed you anyway. He just hoped that he would make it in time.
You went back to the police department, disappointed by Kunikida's behavior. What was that about? You liked him, you really did. But this was just something you could not quite understand. "[Y/n]! Wait!" after hearing him shout for you, you stopped in your tracks and turned around. "Listen.. I'm so sorry. I.. don't know where that came from.. I just.. just said what Dazai was telling me. He.. said you like these kind of words, so.." he stuttered out. "Eeh?! He said something like that?" you asked him puzzled, visibly at a loss. "Well.. I just wanted to ask you.. if.. you are free today.. and.. man I have absolutely no clue about asking a woman out." he sighed, embarrassed.
It took you a few seconds, until you understood what he wanted. A date. He was sort of cute, somehow. Maybe it was because he acted so different from the others -- not that you minded.
"Accepted. As an apology for the slap and the.. 'compliment' you are taking me out to dinner tonight." you smiled at him, making him blush. "Great. So.. I'll come by at 06:00 pm?" he asked you in order to confirm the time. "Sounds good. Oh.. and sorry about the bitch slap." you apologized. Kunikida smiled and stroked his cheek where you slapped him. "Already forgot it. So, see you tonight?"
"I can't wait." you smiled before going back to your department. Kunikida just couldn't seem to wipe off the big grin gracing his features. When he got back, he received many looks of disbelief from the others when he told them what had happened. "She said yes? ... I have to try this thing too!" Kenji grinned and looked at Yosano. "Don't you dare, unless you don't need something very important down there." Yosano hissed and motioned at Kenji's crotch with her hatchet. "Ah..well.. never mind then."
Dazai blinked. "Kunikida-kun.. do you even know how to take a woman to dinner properly?" he asked. Kunikida looked at him, sternly. There he was again. "No, but I can google it though.." he murmured and went to his laptop. "Aww, you'll find so much bullshit written in the internet! I can help you~" he chirped and positioned himself beside Kunikida. "NO! Get lost. You caused enough trouble!" Kunikida snarled at him. "Come on, Kunikida-kun~ I have great ideas for you; ones that will get you way more than just a kiss from [Y/n]-chan~ Interesting things, if you know what I mean."
Kunikida's cheeks burned from embarrassment and his glassed got fogged at the thought of doing something naughty with you. "Don't overdo it, Dazai. I don't believe you one bit." he murmured, yet found himself oddly curious as to what Dazai's advice would be this time.
Dazai grinned and laid a hand under his chin, thinking. "I'll write you a list of what you can say or do to her. Trust me, she'll fall for you so hard that she'll want to marry you in an instant~"
"...you are not kidding me this time?" Kunikida asked warily. Dazai's grin widened. "I promise~" but of course he had crossed his fingers behind his back. This little bastard.. "Alright.. but if it goes flooey, I'll kill you for sure."
"When it 'flows'... you have to put on the condom beforehand, Kunikida-kun~" Dazai snickered, before being kicked unconscious by Kunikida. The other Agency members wished him the best of luck and just hoped that he wouldn't say anything stupid from the phrases Dazai wrote in his notebook.
The hour of your date arrived. Kunikida was nervous as waited at your door. He wanted to knock, but he felt like his stomach would turn upside down the next moment. Behind his back he hid a bouquet of [favorite flowers]. You told Yosano once that you liked them, and so Kunikida got them for you.
While he was still trying to get himself to knock, he leaned against the door's wood with his forehead and sighed. What the hell was the matter with him? He wasn't like himself today. "Calm down.." he breathed out before he heard something from the other side. "Who's there?" your voice surprised him that he hit his forehead against your door when you opened it. "Itai..!" he yelled, dropping the flowers. "SHIT! FUCKING DAMN.." he cursed under his breath, before his eyes fell on you. "I mean.. Hello there, [Y/n]-chan." he said, scratching the back of his head.
You stood there for a moment, before you chuckled. "You are so chaotic, Kunikida-kun." you teased him and saw a blush arise on his cheeks in embarrassment. "I can explain.." he began. You shut him up by putting your middle – and index finger to his lips. "It's okay. I like this side of you. You seemed so brave and serious the whole time, but never relaxed. It feels good to see you like this." you told him, causing his cheeks to turn even redder. "T..Thanks?" he asked puzzled and invited you to his car, driving both of you to the restaurant.
At the restaurant you reserved a table beside a window. The view of Yokohama at night was breathtaking. At least, when you didn't think about the fact that Port Mafia does their business during night time. "What are you thinking about, Kunikida-kun?" you asked after noticing he had spaced out, digging absentmindedly into his appetizer. "Nothing special. Business." was his response. Of course, he was fucking nervous and anxious, afraid to mess up this date. Though he was already 22, he never asked a girl, that he liked, out. "Anyway, you look pretty nice today. But that doesn't mean you don't look nice every other day I didn't say this. You look always nice.. I .. I mean.." he stuttered, making you blush and chuckle at the same time. "Thank you. You look very handsome today too."
There was a comfortable silence between you two when you got your meals. Kunikida and you simply exchanged looks every now and then with a smile and enjoyed each others company. As Kunikida reached for his glass, he froze and stopped completely. "No way.." he mumbled. You wondered if he saw a ghost and turned around to what he was looking at.
Your face fell when you saw Dazai with a rope around his neck, looking around. "Ooooh Kunikida-kun and [Y/n]-chan~ What a nice coincidence to see you here." Dazai chirped and waved at you. Kunikida merely growled, annoyed. It was definitely no coincidence to see him here.
"I hope I'm not disturbing anything~?" Dazai asked more than said, and sat on your table (not chair by the table, on the table itself) with a cocky smile. "You are. Now get lost." Kunikida hissed and stood up, ready to beat the shit out of his partner. "Aww, there's no reason to resort to violence. You won't let your crush get the wrong idea of you, will ya~?"
"..Crush..?!" your eyes widened in shock as Kunikida's mouth hung agape. "YOU LITTLE SHIT!" What came next.. you were quite familiar with it, since you visited the Agency often. Tables went flying across the room, customers left, food fell on the floor, and both of the 22 year old detectives were lying on the ground; slogging each other as if they were little kids. And all you were doing was standing before them and repeating one word: 'Crush'
After Dazai lay -- beaten up -- on the ground, Kunikida raised himself and looked at you apologetically. His clothes had been blotted all over with sauces and side dishes; he sighed heavily. "I ruined this evening. I am deeply sorry [Y/n]. If you never want to see me again, I understand." he bowed and left the restaurant without even letting you utter a word.
Kunikida stopped before a well and cleaned himself up. After doing so, he fixed his glassed and sighed again. He swore to kill Dazai for sure this time. Footsteps reached his ears and he thought it was Dazai, wanting to make fun of him. He turned around and ready to blow more punches, but stopped when he saw your form. "[Y/n]-chan.." he said quietly and sat down on the edge of the well. "Kunikida-kun, you haven't ruined anything. I would be lying if I said that you weren't acting strange today. But.. I had a brief talk with Dazai earlier before I followed you." you said and saw his brow twitch. What did that idiot tell you?
"Bastard.." he mumbled. You sat beside him and took his hand in yours. "Don't worry. He didn't say anything bad. By the way.. did you know that my task, to deliver files, is only set for once in a month? Though, I visit every third day instead." you explained and looked at him. "What did you say? Why are you giving yourself more trouble than necessary?" he asked. You smiled and squeezed his hand. "Because I wanted to see you more often, Kunikida-kun."
Kunikida was speechless. His mouth was agape, he tried to say something -- but the words just wouldn't come out. "Don't you get it? Our feelings are mutual~" you told him as you leaned your face closer to his. Kunikida blinked. Once. Twice. Finally he grabbed your shoulders and smashed his lips onto yours in a heated kiss. Though you expected him to do this, he wasn't able to control his strength well because you lost balance and with a splash you both landed in the fountain. Without breaking the kiss, you didn't mind the cold water either. It nice in contrast to the fiery kiss. Your hands gripped his shoulders while his hands grabbed your waist, pressing you against his body.
"You are sure you want me? Even when I made a complete idiot out of myself?" he asked with a grin. You chuckled and kissed him again. "Kunikida-kun, I don't mind you being an idiot everyday. I love you, because you are MY idiot."
"I love you too, [Y/n]-chan. Thank you for everything."
„AWWWWWWWWWWWWWW~!"
„Dazai.. get the fuck out of here or I am going to drown you right here."

END

EXTENDED ENDING
"Hey, do you have a mirror in your pants? Because I can see myself in them~"
"Ano.. what are Kunikida-kun and [Y/n] doing over there?" Kenji asked and watched the both of you. You sat in Kunikida's lap as he read the phrases Dazai wrote in his notebook. "I think he's trying the pick up lines.." Atsushi said. "[Y/n] has been laughing the whole time at the lines. He thinks he's entertaining her.." Tanizaki added.
The whole agency had been trying to work, before they heard an angry yell from Kunikida, who simply yelled 'DAZAI!!'
"What have I done now?" Dazai asked from his sofa where he was listening to music.
"WOULD YOU HAVE THE COURTESY TO EXPLAIN THIS ENTRY TO ME:'Women's orgasms are divided in four types. The first is called the religious orgasm because the woman cries 'Oh god, oh god!'.The second one is the positive orgasm and is like 'Oh yes, oh yes'.The third one is the negative orgasm and is like 'Oh no, oh no(Don't stop)'And the last one..the faked orgasm THAT IS LIKE: 'OH KUNIKIDA, OOOOH KUNIKIDA~'"
"Hahaha, come on Kunikida-kun, that was funny!"
"I WILL FUCKING KILL YOU!"