Despair

three

❝ missing you is like adrenaline ❞

* * *

selena was so use to being used. she soon came over the fact that she will lose people: the people who was there in the beginning and the people who she loved the most. the person she loved the most was her ex boyfriend; the person who left that was there for her in the beginning was her mum.

her mother had left her when the chaos of selena's action-packed life made her feel vulnerable. selena's mum left a note, explaining all of this, and telling selena not to contact her, to let her move on. selena couldn't handle this – the push of her depression, as selena was close to her mum. selena's ex boyfriend left her when he realised how damaged selena was over her mum – another push of her depression, and soon enough she couldn't hold on; then she fell into depression, sucked in more like.

"you have a award show to attend on saturday, selena. i already set out a designer and hair stylist for you. no excuses for why you can't make it," kate, selena's manager, points her index finger at selena, trying to intimidate her. selena simply nods her head yes, hoping for this somewhat of a meeting to be over. "oh – right, i needed to talk to you. i'm aware justin bieber tweeted you."

"yeah – he was just saying he still continued to like my album. it's nothing," selena smiles, hoping for kate not to make a big fuss out of this. though selena acted like it was nothing, she was impressed. impressed that someone as high as justin took recognition of her – not her looks but for her music, which was mostly personal and important to her.

"maybe we should make you two meet – take a couple of selfies, post it online. you'll get more fans from him; you need it as your new single will come out soon," kate rambles, lost in her pleasant thoughts.

selena finally escaped into her bedroom, wanting to go to sleep, but being kept up at the reminder of the award show that was tomorrow.

*     *      *

red carpet laid out; paparazzi shooting pictures of the celebrities on the carpet, trying to get the best shot. selena arrives at the red carpet, in a skin-tight red dress. as soon as she arrived she just wanted to go back home. what she hated the most was that everything was so fake; people smiling just so they won't seem negative; people pretending to like another star, so they could just get a photo together. she could feel the weight of the make-up on her face; she had been kept up all night. the make-up artist shouted at her for it.

as selena was finishing up the red carpet – forcing on a smile, and posing – she finally goes to her seat, presuming the happy life. the arena was huge as normal. the host welcomes everybody, telling the audience the plan for tonight.

selena soon got lost in her thoughts but snaps out of it when a performance comes on, the music blaring her ears. she knew straight away that it was justin bieber. getting up from her seat, she enters backstage to break away for a few minutes as justin performs his song.

the room selena had entered had a tv – which was airing the performance, justin bieber was coming close to the end of his bit – and a couch. at the back of the room, there was a another door – though this one was glass, so you could see right through it. there was a balcony, showing all the pretty lights from the outside world. selena grabs hold of the handle for the balcony door, opening it as a rush of cold wind hits her face.

perfect, selena thought, maybe now if i do it i won't have to go back to the show. evil, devilish, she knew, but she couldn't help but think of such a thought. she knew that she'll break her fans' hearts, but they'll survive. she couldn't go on. there was no end of this dark tunnel – no light. tears slid down selena's beautiful face. she places a leg over the balcony after climbing up to the height. and another she put over, to where she was now sitting both legs facing the sight. any push or movement of moving forward would sentence her to death. it was a rush; her heart was beating fast. it could all just end now, and she'll be fine.