Despair

fifty-seven

scooter 

hey, man. i'm taking your
word that you're on your
way to the iheart awards
right now. i need you to
attend.

the screen goes black after a chiming noise indicating locking the phone goes off.

he was going to do it. don't look in the mirror before you leave, justin tells himself.

he made a cycle of living to numb everything that comes his way. he would spend most of his days staying inside and not going on his phone. as he steps his way to his ride to the show, he hated not sticking to his normal schedule he bizarrely made.

he knew it was more than pathetic to make a somewhat schedule of his everyday life, but it was what kept him in order, sanely. he had the impression he was in control, and that benefited him.

it was only an illusion.

journey there, he was now waiting patiently in traffic, awaiting to get out and walk straight to the red carpet. his stomach continued to twist violently, causing him to feel nauseous. out of all things, justin thinks, he had to send me to an award show.

"i think you can get out here," the driver who hadn't spoken for the whole journey informs justin and his bodyguard. justin's bodyguard, hugo, thanks the anonymous driver and steps out the vehicle, justin following after.

the beaming hot sun hits justin, causing him to put his tinted black sunglasses on. "scooter told me to get you straight to the red carpet and into the show, specifically saying no interviews," hugo alerts justin, walking into the massive crowds of other bodyguards, people who organised the red carpet and other celebrities waiting to walk the carpet.

a crisp sudden wind blows across justin's face, making him look in the direction of the air that blew. it was as if an instinct, because he had reacted without thinking, and suddenly, the air inside of him flies away with the wind.

further away from him, in the sea of people, stood the only person able to make the air in his lungs disappear.

the woman gracefully walked to the other end of the red carpet, as she had finished her turn. her long sleek hair was longer than he had ever seen, it reaching her ass. the dress loosely hung around that area, captivating her body.

she laughed at someone's comment, and even though he couldn't hear it amongst the crowd, just seeing her laugh made his whole body tingle. his heart beat continued racing, making him feel as if a panic attack would happen soon.

"justin!" the mention of his name beside him snaps him out of stare and his thoughts. hugo was waving his hand in front of justin's face, resulting in justin to step back. "where'd you go off to?" hugo questions, referring to his mindset.

justin shakes his head 'no', immediately looking in the woman's direction who captivated his heart.

she no longer was there.

he felt an urge to run after her, to scream her name just so she comes back, because after all this time of not seeing selena other than a screen, he was absolutely desperate to see her, for her even to acknowledge him.

acknowledge him... how can he be a fool to think that? after all the pain he's put her through, how could he want that? for all he knew, she didn't want to speak to him or see him ever again.

and he understands.

who would want to speak to a person like him ever again? the guilt he felt is nothing compared to what pumps through him when he thinks about how much he hurt selena.

god, did it hurt to even think of her name.

"justin! what's gotten into you? you're so out of it today; what's the matter?" like he was just presuming a normal conversation, he shrugs. hugo, however, takes it as an answer. "it's cool, man, i get it. you're on next, get ready."

he nudges justin, a brotherly laugh escaping his throat. justin grimaces, hating the feeling of another person's touch against his.

but he acts.

he manages a smile at hugo before making his way to the person who normally directs justin where to stand.

"right there," a male bosses justin, pointing to the ground. justin follows his mark, and then looks up at the dozen of paparazzi that were behind a barricade, flashes of camera shining his sunglasses.

"take off your shades!" someone from behind the barriers orders whilst another shouts "look over here!"

swiftly, he moves to another spot on the carpet, allowing the next celebrity to fit on.

a minute later he was off the carpet, receiving a water bottle from one of the workers since it was a hot day. the same worker that made her laugh, justin thinks frustratingly whilst downing the drink.

hugo greets justin before they both proceed their way inside the arena that the award show is hosted in.

a voice that justin doesn't recall hollows his name, making justin look in the direction of the sound. the weeknd, abel, was the owner of the voice. he smiles, greeting justin with a clasp on his shoulder.

"how are you?" he asks, his hand still on justin's shoulder. justin shrugs in response, smiling. "i'll see you in there," he replies in a swift voice after being called away.

after he left, justin follows behind him in a slower pace than abel had. "wow, man. i don't know how you handled it back there," hugo intervenes justin's thoughts. he looks to hugo in confusion, hoping he answers the unspoken question. "you haven't heard, have you?"

justin enthusiastically shakes his head, wanting hugo to continue on.

"sorry to break this to you, man. abel and selena are dating now. i thought you would've known," hugo mumbles nervously.

he stops in his pace, shocked at the news. hugo nudges justin to continue walking which he obliges to.

"did you really not know? man, i'm sorry. to be frank, i was rooting for you and selena."

he acts again.

his stride paces up, causing hugo to lose justin in the packed crowd. he zigzags through the crowd and room, relieved to finally have find the toilet room that was nearing the corner. 

in warmth of another, he realised he bumped into someone. stepping back and hoping for the person to apologise so he doesn't have to do it, his breath hitches in his throat.

all over again from seeing selena earlier, the feelings reappeared now that she was standing right in front of him.

* * *

a/n;
v boring chapter, but it's necessary bc it shows justin not speaking, etc. sorry for the lack of updates also ! ♡