Despair

forty-one

there was something different about selena.

knowing that justin was in a relationship had made something about her more free. maybe it was because he hadn't been texting her and she knew the answer to why: he was busy with his girlfriend. or maybe it was because she knew that her feelings had no point, that they would never act upon their so obvious feelings towards each other. 

though she wished he could multitask, have a girlfriend and a girl that's a friend, she knew that separation between him and her would finally stop her stomach from being swarmed by butterflies every time he approached her or smiled. it was always the little things that made her stomach on fire.

but she knew she was lying to herself. yes, she wanted to figure out if her feeling towards justin is actually valid or not, but truthfully she knew that if she continued to act the way they had, even after she recognised the bubbling feeling whenever he messaged her, her feelings to him would only get stronger.

so, using the excuse he's busy with his new girlfriend, she didn't message him, especially after their fight.

but what worried her the most was his disappearance – knowing this because a fan had asked her if she knew where justin was while selena was walking down the street. simply shaking her head no, acting like it was no big deal, it stuck with her for the whole day until she had the chance to search it up and discover his absence from social media.

in the beginning, freshly from the fight and disappearance, selena was definitely worried, but she thought it was no big deal, that he will post soon. that was nearly two weeks ago when that thought occurred, and justin still hasn't been seen.

but she still didn't have the guts to text him.

seeing something spark in him and crack in a fraction of a second, caused selena nothing but guiltiness. the way his voice broke, the way his eyes suggested hurt, the simple action of wiping his eye.

she knew it was stupid to keep this fight up, they would forgive each other in the end, they always do – all of the other fights they had always got resolved.

but it was more strange this time – it was justin who was hurt, not selena; it was selena who needed to fix things, not justin. the tables had turned.

but seeing the news article on her phone this morning had gotten her even more anxious about him. she didn't realise from the outside perspective how bad this looked. justin released his new single after a two year break, and he was so happy to release it, that suspiciously he disappears a week later from release.

it sounded worse seeing it that way.

and it was even worse for selena knowing that she was the one who caused justin pain. she remembered seeing justin's spam of messages of him freaking out because what do you mean? was finally out, and she remembered how she instantly smiled at her screen, the song already on loudspeaker. she wanted to text him back immediately, tell him how proud she is of him and how she loved the song, and how she can't wait to hear the rest of the album, how stoked she was.

but she didn't tell him nothing.

she ignored his message, her head pounding. she wanted to tell him but she felt as if she done this then 'i like you' would slip out of her mouth. looking back at the memory, she knew she was being stupid.

and she still couldn't help it.

what caused her to think about the argument even more was the fact why justin was so hurt in the first place; he was in – what she thought was – a happy relationship.

she still couldn't get the image out of her mind of justin walking away, wiping his eyes against his sleeve. she couldn't figure out if he cried.

she couldn't comprehend anything.

*     *     *

a/n;
i hope you guys have a merry christmas !! ♡