Despair

forty-four

this chapter is very triggering, please skip if you are delicate to the subject of self-harming
!!

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this couldn't be true, was the first thought that came to selena mind once hearing the news that justin is in custody. she saw it first on tmz before theresa decided to ring selena, wanting to tell her. "i know. he isn't really, is he, theresa? please say no, please say no," selena begged, even though deep down she knew the rumour was likely to be correct. she was on the verge of crying.

she felt incredibly bad for justin, the boy she began liking, the boy who had kept her happy. he was the one now in need, he was the one in need for a light at the end of the suffocating, dark tunnel.

this cannot be true, please say it isn't.

as theresa finally got to selena's home, selena was pacing around her bedroom, thinking of ways this new rumour could be fake. "selena," theresa says as she enters the room, snapping selena from her thoughts and her pacing. "photos have been leaked of him being taken to the police station."

"no," selena says, shaking her head in disbelief, "no, no, no," she repeats, tears falling down her red cheeks. "why, for what? what – why?"

"i don't know, sel. but tmz said for drunk-driving and they was right so far about him being arrested."

"drunk-driving? what?"

as selena began to pace again around her bedroom, lost in thought, theresa slowly proceeds to her, placing her hand on selena's shoulder lightly. "it's okay," theresa says though she knew selena wouldn't be convinced easily.

selena, out of her mind, not thinking straight, tells theresa to leave the room. theresa thinking that she needs to just breathe, leaves so, leaving selena all alone.

and that was a mistake.

selena had been already debating on this, with justin – her so called 'light' – ignoring her, she was in a dark moment. she felt immune to everything – like whatever she done, whatever she ate, she wouldn't feel anything towards it.

her heart-beat was racing just at the thought, and the next thing she knew she was in her bathroom that linked to her bedroom grabbing a razor.

she was shouting at herself in her mind, scolding herself, shouting "stop this!" but nothing was stopping her from listening to the other voice at the back of her mind.

she was already sobbing, hating on herself.

she couldn't control anything in her body – they was just moving, trying to break the razor out of the plastic that was holding it.

she wanted to stop, she really did.

when justin first saw her cut – her first ever one – she hated having the spotlight on it. she wanted to hide her arm forever. she didn't want anyone to find out about it. she promised herself in that moment she would never do it again – she didn't want to disappoint him.

yet here she was, trying so hard to stop herself from herself.

alas, the silver metal was scraping across her delicate skin, red pure blood streaming out of her pale skin.

she despised herself.

it took more than an hour to calm herself down. after cleaning up the blood from the brown floor, she tosses the tissue in the toilet, flushing it down to get rid of any evidence. she does the same to the tissue she used to wipe away the blood that continued to pour.

she made sure to throw the razor.

she had already been thinking about cutting – stupid as it sounds, it became her everyday thought, the thought of harming herself. it was her redemption, her getaway moment to herself. just justin being in prison was her push to do it.

but now she had done it – she felt like her mind was freed up – she felt utter hatred for herself. she felt embarrassed.

she hoped to never do this again, but somewhere deep down she knew, just like this time, she wouldn't be able to control herself.

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a/n;
i'm so, so sorry for this chapter but it's needed. in no way am i trying to promote self-harm as a good thing. please seek help if you're struggling with any mental illnesses, just remember you aren't alone. i'm free to speak to anyone 24/7.