Despair

fifty-four

❝ i'm so in love with you ❞

* * *

it was everywhere.

she tried to avoid it, but it was useless. one look at the photo in the beginning and it was already scarred in her mind. her friends tried to keep her mind off it, but they didn't even know her anymore, and in the end all she could think of is how justin understood her. not once did she know someone that got her like him.

if you had showed selena last week the photo of justin kissing another female, she wouldn't have believed it. she'll claim it was photoshopped. however, today she knew it wasn't, and there was no point finding a way around the photo. the fight they had, it was on the list of what to expect following up the next few days. she just hoped it wouldn't happen.

hope never did her any justice.

a million missed calls from justin only made everything worse. a call, but no visit?

honestly, she wouldn't know how to react if he did actually visit her. she knew she already wouldn't be able to look him in the eye, his hazel breathtakingly beautiful eyes that warmed her insides.

nobody had cheated on her before, she didn't know how to react. in all the movies she's watched and books she's read, not once did any of them stay with their partner.

she couldn't do that.

it was only the heat in the moment when she thought she must break up with justin, but now she knew how pathetic she was. how could she break up with him when she loved him more than she loved herself?

love.

is that what the sucker punch in the gut, head over heels feeling people always seemed to talk about?

all night she contemplated on what to do, how to react. she couldn't stop the tears from flowing, couldn't stop the new sobs that came. it hurt her undeniably, like a stab in the heart.

when they argued it always got resolved, simply because it was easy and they didn't want to continue ignoring each other.

but, as selena stared above her at the ceiling, for once she didn't know what to do. before it was either she needed to just 'man' up and apologise to him, or await his apology.

it was completely different this time, though.

it wasn't that they bickered, and being childish as they are, decided not to speak to one another until one of them had the courage to.

justin had kissed (maybe have sex with) another female that wasn't her. and even though justin hadn't straightforward asked the question to selena to be his girlfriend, she kinda became it. he would introduce selena as his girlfriend to others, he would proudly show her off. it was blissful.

and it hurt selena to even reminisce about their relationship. how could he even cheat on her, even after he said all those things? selena thought.

it wasn't like justin didn't feel intense guilt in what he did; of course he felt guilty. it was eating him up, nibbling at the dignity he had left.

for two days straight, after he gave up on trying to contact selena to focus on himself, he hadn't slept. it was long nights that he stared into the darkness, relieving everything through his memories. it was daunting him.

he wished he done this, and said this...

most of all, he wished he never laid lips upon another female that wasn't selena.

he wished he never cheated, because all he ever felt now, other than the guilt, was anger at himself.

he wanted to scream, punch something. when he wasn't occupied being angry at himself and being frustrated, he was writing lyrics.

he thought drinking alcohol was his remedy, but he was seeing it all wrong. he lost focus on what defined him, on what he was passionate about.

he lost focus on what he loved.

he lost selena.

he knew it. he was so mad at himself, more than he could explain, and selena...

she began seeing things differently. instead of looking at hailey as the girl justin cheated with, she began looking at hailey's perfections, the things selena wasn't good at.

she had good hair, her laugh was cute, she was skinny, good personality, and the list went on.

she wasn't mad anymore, she was jealous.

what did she have that selena wasn't acceptable in? is it because she wasn't pretty or skinny like the other girls? that her thighs are not good enough, they're too big, for him? 

maybe i should dye my hair blonde?

maybe i should lose weight?

she'd spend longer than necessary staring at herself in the mirror, analysing her flaws.

she's had enough.

she couldn't stand looking at herself in such a negative way, it was exhausting her (more than previously). before, she didn't pay much attention, but now it seemed that every reflection she looked or passed by was screaming her flaws, screaming she wasn't good enough to even keep a boyfriend.

and it seemed like justin was taking it as a joke. selena saw, more than once, that he was liking photos of them two together even after what he done.

at first, she was frustrated that he was making the media and fans believe they was ok. and then, she began thinking...did he miss her? is that why he was liking photos?

but she mustn't think like that - after what he done, after he tore her heart out and threw it back, it wasn't ok.

she was infuriated, frustrated, annoyed, and most of all, upset.