Despair

fifty-five

❝ who's gonna walk you through
the dark side of the morning?  ❞

*     *    *

"thank you, selena, for joining us today," ellen degeneres, a popular host that selena loved dearly, says, taking a seat after selena once the crowd calms down from their cheers and applause.

"of course, i love coming back here," selena says wholeheartedly. ellen was the only person who stays true: she wouldn't talk smack after you leave, like some hosts do.

"so, i'm aware you haven't released anything recently. it's been, what, two years?" ellen asks, hinting when there's going to new material, new music. she sat patiently with a friendly smile.

"yes, nearly two years," selena responds, nodding gently with a smile. "i can't exactly say anything with much detail, but for now, i can say that there's going to be new music very soon." with this, the crowd applauds with excitement, causing selena's smile to broaden.

"that's great news!" ellen praises. "is there a song that will torture our hearts in a good way?" the crowd laughs at ellen's comment.

"maybe, yeah. there is a song that is quite personal to me. it's related to a topic i know a lot of girls go through - especially when their partners cheat on them." as quickly as the words leave selena's mouth, the room is thick with tension, because it was well-known that she had previously been cheated on with pop star icon, justin bieber. a relationship many media outlets found juicy.

ellen was silent before saying, "we're all aware that you and - am i allowed to say his name? yes? - justin were very public with your relationship. you wasn't afraid to shy away - which i loved. have you recently spoke to justin? are you both ok?"

there it was - the question of the lifetime. everyone held their breaths in anticipation of her answer.

she sighs heavily, preparing her response. "no, i have not spoken to him recently. not that i don't want to - we're both very busy," she lies feebly. she hated doing that - lying.

"so you're both ok?" ellen repeats her question. selena mentally scowls.

"ellen-" selena chuckles with a lingering smile- "to be frank with you, no, not really, especially not the note we left on. i'm happy for him though, i'm proud of how far he's gotten recently. i'm always supporting him. when he's upset, i'm upset; when he's happy, i'm happy." she shrugs it off, feeling the weight on her shoulders.

"do you - do you still love him?" ellen stutters over her words nervously, scared of the reaction.

"i think i always will," selena replies, her voice shaking slightly.

* * *

"you're on in five," a worker informed justin. he nods, showing his understanding. he continues to mindlessly scroll through instagram, often checking his notifications.

and then he sighs, locking his phone, staring blankly in front of him. ever since the breakup, he had been distancing himself from everything. nearly a year since they broke up, but it still affected him so much.

he hated the emptiness he felt, the place where he once felt everything with his heart racing and his stomach knotting together whenever he was with her.

he heard his name being called from the speakers. stranding his seat, he proceeds to the stage where he was directed. then, pulling the smile to show that he's ok, he begins singing his hit song sorry.

the rush of adrenaline hits him, and next he was off the stage, already finished before he realised it. just like that - everything went back to before, no rush, no emotions, no nothing.

he hated it. before he met selena, it was just like it was now - but after, she made everything spark inside of him, she kept him sane.

without her, he was diving back into his old habits, his old ways.

nothing helped him anymore. the first week of the breakup, he continued to get wasted, just so he could forget the guilt that was torturing him. but, soon after he realised that also done nothing to him. he would keep imagining the girls were selena just so he could feel a spark inside of him - he always ended up kissing and having sex with them, but always the morning after he would feel the toxic called guilt arise again, because still after their breakup, he continued to feel like he was cheating on her.

pathetic, right?

everything felt cynical to him. he wakes up, has breakfast by himself, sometimes goes out, majority of the time he won't, and then he arrives home and orders takeaway food, eating it by himself again.

he isolated himself away from the world.

he hardly touched his phone, hardly used instagram or twitter (he never uses facebook). when he does meet fans, he doesn't bother speaking to them - he obliges and just take photos.

he hadn't reached out to selena ever since that night. once he finally accepted what he done, he stopped calling.

scooter caught up with justin before he could exit the building. "good job out there, you really caught everyone's attention. well done." justin nods in response and smiles. "don't forget you have to perform at the iheart radio music awards next week. you have to go to this one and not ditch last minute - the producers were mad."

when justin stopped reaching out to selena, he also stopped speaking.

he nods again, promising to attend. scooter bids a goodbye whilst justin ambles to the door and exit before the show even finished. a car was parked right by the back exit, so justin immediately got in with his bodyguards, and left.

scooter sighs in frustration.

*      *      *

a/n;
i'm so indecisive about covers yikes

i'm so sorry for not updating for nearly a month (not like anyone noticed), i was so busy and because i had no inspiration or motivation to write. i hate when i get into those states, where i just don't write. honestly, i can't help it though. anyways; i'm still on/off with writing, so don't expect a lot of updates, sorry.

thank you for your support, it means the world to me, honestly ♡