Too Weird To Live, Too Rare To Die!

Chapter Twenty One - If I'm Never Your Hero I Can Never Let You Down

(Patrick's Point Of View)

This is the moment I am dreading. The moment I have to face Pete. I don't want to, but I have to ball up and be a man.

I walk into the house and find Pete sitting on the couch again. Figured. There are dried tear stains on his cheeks and eyes are puffy. He looks at me and stands up, "Patrick! Where have you been? You have been gone for three days! I was worried sick!" He walks over to me and hugs me. I push him away. Wait, did he say gone three days? I guess when you are in darkness you can't really tell.

"Worried sick? Says the man that yelled in my face he hates me!" I yell.

"You know it was my Bi-Pola-" I cut him off.

"You can't just blame it on that all the ti-" he cuts me off and holds onto my arms.

"Patrick just leg me speak. You know when my Bi-Polar is wacky it causes me to say stuff I don't even mean and it causes me to get mad for no reason. I am so sorry I got mad at you. Of was a stupid reason at that. I am upper sorry for saying I hate you and I don't. I feel the complete opposite, I fucking love you Patrick!"

I sigh and limp past him, "I'm going to take a shower. We'll have this conversation once I get back."

I get in the shower the water hitting me and it burns everywhere, anywhere the cuts are. Which is everywhere. Now that I have a clear viewing of all of them, it's a horror story yet beautiful. The pain the water is causing is beautiful. I just stand there until it gets numb.

As I am in the shower I think
everything over. Now that I think of it, he did say his Bi-Polar was acting up that day. When he started yelling at me I completely forgot. He claims he may not hate me, I do think him saying the whole intimacy thing was true. I could see how he feels. Him hating me? I am on the fence for that. I don't know whether to believe he doesn't mean it? Or he truly does, but he's just trying to win me over and grab me by the balls controlling me. I really don't know what to think. Maybe if he explains more I would have a better understanding.

An hour it takes me, but I don't care. I get out, gets dressed in a long sleeved shirt and black jeans and go downstairs.

"Okay, what exactly did you not mean by saying you hated me?"

"I didn't mean it. I already explained."

"Well explain to me."

Pete explains his Bi-Polar again, whatever. Then goes on to I am the only one he will make love with. Or using me as sex you, but he didn't use the word sex. He also made a good point that if he meant it, he wouldn't have been worried sick nor would he fall to the ground and cry after I ran out of the house. Maybe he is telling the truth.

"I'm sorry for the pain I have caused you Patrick." He grabs my wrist and I wince. He lifts up the sleeve and sees it's full of cuts. I pull the sleeve back down. Then he pulls the shirt off and they are everywhere, but back, "What the hell Patrick?"

"I...I uh, don't know." I look away.

"Patrick, please."

"Okay fine. I wanted to kill myself!" I get up an storm to the room and junk into the bed burying my face in a pillow. I feel weight next to me. Damn it I forgot to lock it. I feel hands petting my hair. I remove the pillow, Pete is sitting by my head.

"Why do want to do that?" He asks sympathetically.

"I just, I felt worthless. I still do."

"You know how many will be crushed if you died? Me, Joe and Andy. Especially Brendon. You guys have always had that special bond ever since you two met, but don't even get me started on him. He probably will burn the whole world down if you kill yourself." I can't help, but to laugh.

"The funny thing is, it's true. Brendon would probably do that." We both laugh for awhile.

Pete clears his throat, "Anyway, what about the fans when they find out their hero has died?" I think of Jill on how she said I was her hero. I can't let her down.

I sigh, "Yeah you're right. I was to caught up in my own selfishness I forgot about others."

"Patrick, this may be meaningless to you, but I have to let you know regardless. I love you." I just hug him and bury my face in his side. He hugs back tightly.

"I-I love you to Pete."

"Hey Patrick?"

"Yeah?" I look up at him from his side.

"You know your song Explode right."

"Yeah why?"

"If I'm never your hero I can never let you down. That lyric has been stuck with ever since you left," he sighs, "I guess it is true with you and I."

I just can't help, but to keep staring at him. I am lost at words and don't know why else to say. I just nod. In a way it is true. If I'm never your hero I can never let you down, I think that over and over to myself until I fall asleep.