Message Unseen ➤ RYDEN/BRALLON/JOSHLER

XXXIV

SEPTEMBER 8TH 2016

brendon urie created a private-chat at 06:07pm.
brendon urie added ryan ross.

brendon urie: dallon loved me so much i felt guilty that i couldn't give him a fraction of that love back

ryan ross: beebo :(

brendon urie: when we met i was in a relationship with a girl called sarah which was only platonic

brendon urie: sarah had no interest of being with me romantically or sexually so it was more of a friendship but everyone assumed that we were together so we went with it

brendon urie: we shared everything with each other

brendon urie: until dallon transferred schools and he became my new best friend to confide in so i stopped spending so much time with sarah as dal and i got closer

brendon urie: eventually i developed an attraction to dallon though i brushed it off as admiration and was firmly in denial that i could be attracted to anyone other than female

brendon urie: but then i blurted out that i liked him more than i should and he told me he understood and felt the same way

brendon urie: we kissed and he asked if i liked it and i admitted i did... but i felt bad because i was with sarah

brendon urie: when sarah and i were 13 or so she told me she wasn't attracted to anyone including me bc she was asexual and aromantic and that's why we couldn't be together

brendon urie: i told her i understood

brendon urie: i told her i was gay

brendon urie: at this point dallon had given me the 'diagnosis' as he called it and i confirmed that this was who i was

brendon urie: who i still am

brendon urie: bent as fuck man

ryan ross: don't ruin the feels

brendon urie: kk

brendon urie: but i was confused as to why i couldn't feel anything stronger for dallon bc i knew i was gay and i very much liked him so why wasn't it love?

brendon urie: at 16 we got together and it was everything a conventional relationship's meant to be i suppose

brendon urie: after about 4 months he confessed he loved me and he didn't realise that i didn't say it back

brendon urie: i never said it back

brendon urie: in fact i doubted him

brendon urie: you know about my dad leaving and that's why i have trust issues and seek attention and affection bc it almost fills this hole where he should've been... this little chasm in my chest with cracked pictures of me on my dad's shoulders and the cold nature of his hugs and the way his smile wouldn't ever really reach his eyes and the suitcases waiting at the doorstep

brendon urie: i'm incapable of returning anyone's love because i think the hole will get bigger if they dig it out and i'll choke on all the dirt ryan

brendon urie: i don't want to choke

brendon urie: i want to love you

brendon urie: but i'm going to choke

ryan ross left the private-chat.