Accidentally on Purpose (Completed)

Chapter 20 - Jacket

"Seryoso ka ba na work lang ang reason mo?"

"May iba pa ba?" Tumaas ang kilay ko.

"I mean there should be something else right?"

Tipid lang akong ngimiti.

Sobrang gasgas ng rason ko but that's just my excuse. 'Yung totoo, sympre deep inside gusto ko rin ng sarili kong happy ending. Of course I want that, every girl wants that for them. Sino bang hindi diba?

Kahit na ganito ako I still want to know what it feels like to be loved in the way I was meant to be loved. Like finally meron nang taong hindi ako sasaktan, 'yung hindi ako papaiyakin. I want someone who I could be happy with.

Mahilig akong makipagdate dati pero hindi na ako ganon ngayon. I grew up. I don't like playing games anymore. Ayaw ko na agad kung una pa lang alam kong hindi boyfriend or husband material. Ayaw ko na ng nakakarinig ng pambobola. I guess I became practical.

I don't want to get my hopes up for nothing anymore that's why for years tinigil ko na ang makipagdate. People always assume it with bad break up. Well it may or may not be.

I'm already 24 so I don't want guys who are just playing around. All of them seems nice at first but really, they weren't. Their mouths are full of lies. Ayaw ko na ng ganon.

For once I just want a nice guy. A guy who's worth the time I'm giving them. Pagod na ako 'yung puro ako nalang palagi ang nagbibigay. I hate being the one who loves more. Nakakapagod at nakakasawa rin kasi.

I believe in love, it's the guys that I don't believe in anymore. And partly my ability to give and love someone.

"Eh ikaw? Bakit wala kang girlfriend? Sa itsura mo hindi naman siguro mahirap makahanap diba."

He chuckled, "You probably don't know but I don't look like this before. It's easy to get girls now because of my looks but before? Ni lapitan ang babaeng gusto ko hindi ko magawa."

"Di ko gets. Bakit?"

"I don't know. Girls don't like how I looked. They think I'm a loser," He glanced at me. "I think I still am."

"There are only two options why girls talk to me. First, either magpapatulong ng assignment or second because they pity me. Guys too. Napansin mo siguro na I don't have lots of friends."

Tinignan ko siya. Was it really that bad? Hindi ko talaga siya matandaan. Sa dami namin hindi ko maalala kung may Isaac sa batch namin.

If I only knew.. For me, hindi basehan ang itsura sa pakikipagkaibigan at sa relasyon. What's important is when you stay true. Hay, I don't get people sometimes.

"What happened?"

"For one, I didn't wake up like this. I work hard to be the person that I am now. Pinilit kong maging malakas because I don't want to be that person anymore. But deep inside that Isaac is still there because sa ayaw at sa gusto ko, it's still a part of me."

I don't know what should I say. Pag tinignan mo siya ngayon hindi mo aakalain na may ganon past pala siya. He doesn't look like the one to be bullied. Siya ang mukhang nangbubully.

"You might not know me or remember but I know you. Alam kong may nangyari sayo. I know something had changed. Not much pero nagbago ka." He turned to me.

Since moments of truth na nga ang usapan. Nag open up rin ako.

"If you know me then you probably know Reagan."

"Your high school boyfriend. Sinong may hindi kilala sainyo."

"Goals diba." I laughed a little. "Akala ko rin eh. That was before I decided to just let him go."

I've moved on but that doesn't mean that I forget about it already. After all he's my first boyfriend. May karapatan pa rin akong malungkot over what happened.

"Why?"

"To put it simply, he loved me and he love her."

Dapat nga magalit ako sa kanila pero nagulat rin ako sa sarili ko dahil ang martyr ko pala? Tinanggap ko lang 'yun ng ganun lang.

He looked at me with sympathy. I know that look kasi ganyan dahil ganyang tingin ang iniiwasan ko sa tuwing may makakaalam. They pity me. I just hate it.

"Hey, stop looking at me like that!"

"Like what?" Inalis niya ang tingin niya. Too late, man.

"Like, that. Wag ka nga." Tinakpan ko ang mata niya.

Diba nga don't beg someone to stay. Kung gusto niyang umalis, edi ihatid mo.

Tinanggal niya iyon.

"Mahal mo pa?" He met my eyes.

"Matanggal nang hindi. Hindi ako matalino pero hindi rin naman ako stupid."

Tinaas ko ang paa ko at pinatong ang baba sa tuhod ko.

"Does it still hurts?"

I turned to look at him with disbelief. "Sapakin ko kaya mukha mo para alam mo kung masakit."

Minsan pantanga tanong nito! Nakakainis ha.

"You're too violent for a girl." Aniya.

"Kakainis tanong mo, e!" Sabi ko pero sinagot ko pa rin siya.

"No it doesn't. But yes, konti. Ang hirap pa rin kasi tanggapin na niloko ako."

I punched his arm when I saw this face. "Hoy wag mo akong kaawaan. Leche."

We were quiet for a few seconds before I continued.

"First year college kami nun. Magkaibang school kami. And it was his blockmate. Actually at that time it was the hardest decision I could have made." Tumawa ako.

At the age of 17 sobrang hirap nung time na 'yun para sa akin. I'm surprised na hindi ako bumagsak sa mga subjects ko kasi wala talaga ako sa sarili ko nun. Sure I was the one who initiated the break up but it hurts like hell.

He bumped his shoulder into mine. "It's not always wrong to walk away. You made the right call. Letting go is not weak. You're strong because you know when to say goodbye."

"Pag ikaw ba 'yun anong gagawin mo?"

"Me? I'd probably be forgiving him and accept him over and over again."

"Weh, totoo? Ang martyr mo naman."

"That's why I said you're strong. You can do things other can't."

It was hellish months for me. Clingy kasi akong tao. I want to cling to him kasi sanay na ako na palagi siyang nandyan para sa akin. He was my constant and I've gotten used to that feeling but I pushed myself to think that I'm still young and marami pa akong maeexperience. Tinatak ko nalang sa utak ko na pag may umalis, may darating.

"That's a compliment right? Wow. Ngayon ko lang narinig 'yan. Ang sarap pala noh?" Pangaasar ko.

"Alright let's not talk about it." He exhaled deeply then got up. Pumasok siya sa loob at naiwan ako.

Pagbalik niya ay binato niya sa akin ang hawak na jacket.

"Hindi ako nilalamig."

"That's me comforting you."

"Wow thanks ha."

And I know that's the best comfort that I could get from him. But that's enough for me.

"I just wish I was there for you."

"Yeah. Me too." I said as I pulled the jacket closer.