Accidentally on Purpose (Completed)

Chapter 39 - Make up or Break up

And there. It hit me. The feeling that I've been resisting. I realized that I can't be just friends with him. Magsisisi ako buong buhay ko kung sinabi kong magkaibigan lang kami because he and I could never be just friends. There has to be something more.

I just realized that the walls that I've work so hard to build is now gone. It came crashing down the moment I met him. I'm not protecting myself from anything anymore. At this point I just know that I'm not holding back anymore.

Hindi ko masabi kung kailan ako nagkagusto sa kanya. I just felt it, the feeling is so strong that I can't deny it. I don't have a point where I fell in love with him but I just knew it.

This is what love does, isn't it? Catches us off guard in the times and places we've never imagined.

That night ended up with a kiss but somehow I think that night also ended our friendship. Dalawa naman naman 'yan eh, it's either kiss and make up or kiss and break up. In our case, it's the latter. 

No calls. No texts. Normally we should be texting each other stuff. But now he just disappeared.

It's been 3 days. Hinintay ko siyang magparamdam. Tinext ko rin siya pero hindi ako nakatanggap ng reply. And I know what that means kaya hindi ko na rin siya tinawagan.

Akala ko magiging okay kami lalo pagkatapos ng nangyari pero kahit ako hindi ko maintindihan. Anong nangyari? I remembered that night to be great. The kiss even made it better. Perfect kung tutuusin.

May nangyari ba na hindi ko nasundan? I thought he want me too. Ano pala ang lahat ng 'to para sa kanya? Was he just playing me all this time? Does knowing I like him boost his ego? Well I did tell him many times that he's not my type of guy. Maybe he did it to prove to me that he is likable and I'm wrong.

O hindi kaya kasi hindi ko siya napapansin nung high school kaya naman bumabawi siya. But if this is some kind of a payback then I don't think I deserve this because I haven't done anything wrong to him. All this time I was truthful. My feelings were all true. Tapos ito pala ang mapapala ko? Great. That's why I don't want any attachment because of this.

Ang hirap kasing magmove on pag hindi mo alam kung ano ang dahilan. It sucks.

Kung ayaw niya, kung pinagsisisihan niya, okay lang. As long as bigyan niya ako ng dahilan at sabihin niya sa akin ng diretso na wala siyang gusto sa akin, okay na ako. Madali naman akong kausap. I won't cling to someone who doesn't want me.

"Give him more time. Maybe few more days?" Jade suggested.

"I just.. I like him so much. Never akong nagkagusto sa isang lalaki gaya ng pagkagusto ko sa kanya."

Humiga siya sa kama. "I realized that it's okay to love something or someone a little too much. Hindi naman lahat ng sobra masama eh. As long as gusto mo and it's real. 'Yun naman ang importante diba?"

"Is this the part where I say 'that's when the student becomes the teacher?'" Tumawa ako.

"Hoy excuse me, I was never your student."

"Before Tristan, simple lang ang perspective ko on things. Eat, play, sleep, ganon. Natakot rin ako nung una. You're the one who told me to pursue, na magrisk. Love is really scary, isn't it?" She chuckled.

"Hindi ko alam, Jade. It's just everything is so different with Ice."

Hindi ko alam kung tumanda lang ba ako kaya nagmature o talagang may something kay Ice. I know I can get hurt but I still want him. After what happened with Reagan, I swear that I will not give my all to someone at pag medyo hindi ako sigurado, I'm out.

"Everything is different when that someone matters."

Ang hirap pala talaga pag ikaw na 'yung nasa sitwasyon. To be honest this is a first for me too because I've never been this scared before.

Tumawa si Jade, "Kaya mo 'yan. Sus ikaw pa. The Tiffany we know never backs out. She will do anything just to get an answer."

"Girl, halos 10 years na tayong magkaibigan. Whatever it is. I got you." Doon lang nagsalita si Rhian.

Umiling ako, "He won't reply to any of my messages. It's like he cut me out of his life."

"So? You can go see him. Magkatabing building lang ang office niyo and you know where he lives. Kilala mo ang best friend niya.. there are many ways, Tiffs."

"Pag gusto maraming paraan, pag ayaw maraming dahilan." She added.

Deep inside I know I'm making excuses for myself. Sure, I'm Tiffany. Lahat tingin sa akin matapang, hindi papatalo pero kilala ko ang sarili ko.

Alam kong gusto ko siya pero hindi ko naman magawang sabihin dahil natatakot ako sa maaaring mangyari.

I don't know what that kiss meant for him but it meant everything for me. Hindi ko alam, baka sinusubukan lang niya? After all he never had a girlfriend so I suppose he never kissed someone before.

I didn't notice that tears started rolling down my face and I'm crying.

Rhian is patting my back comforting me while Jade is wiping my tears. I don't even know why I'm crying. I'm not suppose to. It's just that I'm feeling really frustrated right now and I wanna let it all out.

This is the first time that I don't know what to do next. Breaking up with Reagan was hard but at least I know I have to move on and forget him.

"Shh. Things might not be okay right now but it will get better." Rhian said while trying to calm me down.

Lalo lang akong nafrufrustrate because I can't bring myself to hate Ice even after pulling this stunt on me. Naiinis ako sa kanya!

"Yup. Magtiwala ka lang sa kanya. Masyado lang siguro siyang naoverwhelmed and needs more time."

"Hindi naman ganon kadali 'yun. I love him guys. I love him."

I think this is the first time I said it out loud and he's not even here to hear me say it.