Begin Again

November 17th 2017

Until now, I felt sorry for turning down Ben. But he understands it so I promised to make it up to him some other time .

Naiinis ako sa sarili ko . Why do I feel like a cheating girlfriend every time some guys try to give a their attentions to me, even with Ben?

Is it maybe I'm still at the abbey and waiting for someone to come back? Like a pathetic loser? Yeah right.

"Philip! Philip.... Philip.." begging him to at least give me a glance , " Philip... Please look at me... I promise I won't mention ever again her to you! Or-or that damn ring ! I'll throw the damn ring— just ...just please ..."

I never knew I was capable of being like this. Begging like a beggar who has nothing.

"I'm so sorry , okay? Philip I will try—I will never be jealous again ...I–I'll be a good girlfriend to you from now on... I will never be jealous to any girl ! From now on I'll trust you – yes.. Yes I'll trust you more than anything else Philip..." I sobbed . It hurt so much . " I won't ask you anymore, hindi na kita kukulitin kahit kailan ! Just don't do this to us...please."

Everyday , this same scenario happens and will only end with the same responds from him.

Eight months of being with him is a bliss. It came so fast to the point I'm always afraid that I might loose him. Na kapag nalingat lang ako baka mabaling na sa iba ang atensyon niya. I've been holding him so much that I never notice I've been holding him too much.

What can I do? I'm so scared ... A coward.

And now he's handling my supposed to be resignation letter. Nasa files ko lang 'yan and I never had the chance to delete it. And now the letter is on his hand and the worst part his approving it! He didn't even ask me why , he just shove it to my face with his sign on it.

He needs to know I didn't send him this! He needs to know that I can't be without him. I can't be away from him not now o kahit kailan!

I need to fix this!
I need to explain my side .
I need him ....in my life. I needed him.

"Leave.." I lost my stand. My heart just shattered in a way that it can never be fix . He pushed me in to the deepest black hole where I can never find my way back. It's like even my soul was already drowned in to the bottom of the sea , chained there forever.

I lost him.

I had finally lost my never-ending battle.

I lost him.

I didn't cried or felt anything that time. It's like I was forbid to do it. In my part , I did my best shot. And for him? I guess he don't needed it. Or anything from me.

"We need a representative for that day, Rose. Si dad kasi nasa Malaysia. Tapos si mommy sasama sa kanya. Tapos ako naman sa Hongkong for one week. So .... " she's anticipating for my answer. And she knew na hindi ako makaka hindi sa kanya. Hindi naman kasi talaga one week ang itatagal ng confession niya sa Hong Kong ! Excuse niya lang ang pagpunta doon para makapag shopping.

"May magagawa pa ba ko?"

"Yey!" She's in the middle of rejoicing when she stop ," and oh, don't worry Kuya will accompany you.." I silently groaned. Nasa lahi na talaga nila no?

"Saan pala gaganapin ang summit?"

She eyed me and revealed the place , " Century Tower , here in Taguig." Great. Genius .

"You'll be fine,Rose. My brother will take care everything for you ." She smiled triumply.

"Kung ganon naman pala , baka pwedeng siya na lang—"

"Hush...that's non sense my dear. Now off you go." Gusto kong magpapadyak habang palabas ng opisina niya.

Of all the places in Metro Manila . Well I guess , there's no turning back.

"C'mon Feny. It's just a summit and 'di ka naman sure kung magkikita nga kayo doon? There's so many possibilities.. " I just gave her a rolled eyes and sip my lemonade.

"M, kamusta na pala sa inyo?" I asked Martha whom still working there in CIC as the secretary of Mister Greens .

"The right question is...kamusta na siya?" I gave her sharp look and act to stub him with my spoon.

She raised her brows to prove that's she's never wrong.

"M.." I warned her.

"Okay okay okay...well to answer your question . Everybody and everything's fine in the company . Kumikita pa naman at lumalago ito. Well if you're curious about hi—" this time I throw to her my used table napkin. She just laughed at my silly act.

"I'm serious Feny..." I know she's serious but I don't care."He's been nothing like a brat , cold-blooded brute to every secretary he has. Parang damit lang ng palit lang ng palit! Poor guys —" I blinked and caught my attention.

"Guys? As in lalaki?"

"Yeah, surprisingly yes. He never hired a female as his secretary . Na trauma ata ," she said as she emphasized the word 'trauma'.

"Oh? Ba't ka sa'kin nakatingin?"

"You know that no matter what happen I'm still going stick with you right?" for that I smiled . She was there at my worst nightmares. She tried to patch up my never-healing wounds..until now . I know she just wanted me to be happy again.

"But don't you think it's about time? To face him? I think you deserve everything Fen, if he can't fight for you at least fight for him..he's been...he's been lifeless ."

"Hindi ko na kailangan niyan, I think we're better off not seeing each other. And I think nagkakamali ka ,M. I just saw her fiancé with his ring on her finger. I knew that ring when I saw it from her 'cause I'm the one who keep it, before...."before that dreadful things happens.

"Feny—" I restrained her.

"M, tama na.." giving her an almost pleading eyes.

I relaxed when she nodded and made a promised that she will not mention anything about him ever again.

"Punta ka ha? " before we bid goodbyes she reminded me again.

"I'll try ,M."

"Magtatampo sa'yo yun! "

I looked at the invitation card again lying on my table .

'You are cordially invited ..'

I buried my face on my hands while thinking thoroughly if I'm really going to attend or not.

This passed few days, I've been having a 'walk to memory lane' because of this invitaion .

I rested the back of my head on my swivel chair . I've been working my ass for the longest hour that I forgotten the time.

I stared at the beauty of the lights coming from the different building . It's like a stars shinning from where I'm sitting.

My eyes were both stock on this familiar sign of this building. Century Tower.

I closed my eyes and turned my back from the unpleasant view . And decided to call Martha for a dress hunting.