Begin Again

November 17th 2017

Until now, I still feel a sharp sting of regret for turning Ben down, even though he was understanding about it. I hate that I feel like a "cheating girlfriend" whenever a man shows interest in me. Is it because I'm still standing at the edge of the abbey, waiting for someone who isn't coming back? Like a pathetic loser? Yeah, that sounds about right.

"Philip! Philip... please," I remember begging him, desperate for just a glance. "Please look at me. I promise I won't bring her up again. Or that damn ring—I'll throw it away—just please..."

I never knew I was capable of such humiliation. Begging like someone who had absolutely nothing left.

"I'm so sorry. I won't be jealous again. I'll be a good girlfriend, I promise. I'll trust you more than anything," I had sobbed. It hurt so much. "I won't bother you anymore, just don't do this to us."

That scenario played out on loop for months. Eight months of bliss, followed by the terrifying realization that I was holding on so tight I was suffocating us both. I was a coward, scared of losing him, and in my fear, I pushed him into the dark.

Now, he holds my resignation letter. I never intended to send it; it was just a file I'd forgotten to delete. But he approved it without a single question, shoving the signed paper into my face like a death sentence.

"Leave," he had said.

My heart shattered in a way that can never be fixed. He pushed me into a black hole, and I've been drowning there ever since, chained to the bottom of the sea. I lost him. The never-ending battle was finally over. I didn't even cry that day; I felt paralyzed, as if I had been forbidden from feeling anything at all.

"We need a representative for the summit, Rose," Moira said, snapping me back to the present. "My dad is in Malaysia, mom is going with him, and I have to be in Hong Kong."

She knew I couldn't say no. "May magagawa pa ba ko?" I asked, defeated.

"Yey! And oh, don't worry, Kuya will accompany you."

My heart sank. Of course. "Saan pala gaganapin ang summit?"

"Century Tower. Here in Taguig."

Great. Genius.

Later, at lunch with Martha, I tried to focus on my lemonade.

"C'mon, Feny. It's just a summit. There's no guarantee you'll even see him," Martha said.

"M, how is he?" I asked, the words feeling heavy.

Martha raised a brow. "Everyone is fine. The company is growing. If you're curious about him... he's been a brat. A cold-blooded brute to every secretary he's had. It's like he just swaps them out like clothes. Poor guys—"

"Guys?" I blinked. "As in men?"

"Yeah. He never hires a female secretary anymore. I think he's traumatized."

"Why are you looking at me like that?" I asked.

"You know I'll always stick with you, Fen. But don't you think it's time? You deserve happiness. If he won't fight for you, maybe you should fight for him. He's been... he's been lifeless."

"I don't need that," I said, my voice hardening. "I saw his fiancée wearing that ring. I know that ring, M. I'm the one who kept it safe before... everything fell apart."

"Feny—"

"M, tama na."

She finally nodded, promising not to bring him up again. But as I sat alone later, staring at the invitation card on my desk, the memory of that ring haunted me. I looked out at the city lights, the stars reflected in the windows of the distant buildings. My eyes landed on the familiar logo of the Century Tower.

I turned away from the view, finally deciding. I picked up my phone and called Martha.

"Dress hunting," I said. "I'm going to that summit."