Begin Again

February 16th 2018

The other night Philip decided to sleep over at my condo. That night, I set aside first the fear I had inside of me. Kanina lang kami nagkanya-kanya dahil sa mga trabaho namin.

"What's this?" Moira handed me an envelop in her office.

"Tingnan mo kaya?" Kita mo 'to..

I destroyed the envelop since the tape was too hard to open without ripping it. I was stunned . I thought this will take time ?

"Surprise ! Well since we found a new manager for this branch , we—I mean , I ... I decided to give you this...as a token of gratitude . Pinabilis ko iyan Rose dahil alam kong gustong-gusto mo nang maka alis dito.." Mag-isa siyang natawa sa sariling joke niya. If she meant it as a joke. Sad to say I didn't catch the punch line.

"Our company believes in you that's why , they granted your request of transfer . At last Rose! This is your dream remember ? Naalala ko tuloy iyong mga time na kinukulit mo ko tungkol dito...Rose?"

Naka titig lamang ako sa mga papel na hawak ko. Feeling ko hindi tama. Pero dati ko na naman ito gusto di ba? So why I can't feel joy ?

"Rose , what's wrong? May mali ba? " umiling ako at ngumiti sa kanya.

"Nagulat lang ako. Napaaga ba naman kasi." She patted my back and hugged me.

"I'm so proud of you best friend . You know , somehow I wished your request will never be granted. Ang sama ko di ba? Kasi naman, I will lose a great and kind loving best friend here. Buti sana kung doon ako e. I felt sad and happy for you Rose. But nevertheless , I am happy for your achievements ! You deserve everything Rose..."

After that , I called Martha to break the news . At kagaya nga niya, pareho kami ng reaksyon.

"Are you really sure Fen? I thought your happy now with Philip?" She put down her wine glass and raked her hair with her finger .

"But this is my only one chance , M. It's not like this kind of opportunity last forever. I have to grab it."

"Yeah, hmmm. Go ahead . If that's what you want. " she looked at me like she's daring me if I can really do it.

"Martha.."

"Oh Feny, isa lang naman ang dapat mong isipin e. Kaya mo o hindi? Alin lang doon. If this is really what you want then , go ahead . I can't stop you from reaching your dream or goal. I just want you to be happy .." But. I can sense na hindi dito nagtatapos ang lahat. Martha will do anything just to prove that she's right .

"That isn't your intention , M. I know that look. I invented that look! M , if he really loves me, then maybe we can compromise ? Ano ba naman iyong Skype at FaceTime di ba?" I sipped my own wine and tried to compile all the facts that I can give just so I can justify myself in this matter.

"Alam ko. But that's bullshit Feny! Give the guy a break! You just came back in each other's arms then your just gonna waste all the tears, all the aches , all the efforts that that guy and also you poured out just for you guys to be okay? At hindi iyon biro Feny. This is your one true love we're talking about. Not just some random guy . I thought you cared for him?" And here it goes .

"Yes I cared for him , M. But I'm trying okay? I'm trying to mend my broken heart just to be happy. Just to make him happy. And this opportunity makes me happy too. What will I do? Give this up and be with him? Just like that? What about me? My dreams? I just wanted to feel free and to soar a little up high....if I can have them both , why not? And yes we're talking about my one true love and this is it before him. I love him with all of me but this happens to be I love the most  too. I needed this..."

Tinungga ni Martha ang kanyang inumin saka nagpa kawala ng buntong-hininga.

"I'm sorry Feny, but all I can imagine is a broken hearted shit Philip in my mind. I don't want to stop you from doing what you love. Just don't forget that Philip needs to know this. You can't just decide this without telling him this or else..." She stared at me with her disappointment look, " wala ka nang babalikan kung sakaling iiwan mo siyang talunan.."

I've been thinking all the things that Martha and Moira said to me. They're both right. They both have each reason to continue this . Una pa lang alam kong hindi siya papayag gayong kakaumpisa pa lang namin. I know Philip will go crazy of my decisions . But I have to do this. For once. I wanted to feel complete with all myself .

Pero hindi naman ibig sabihin noon ay iiwan at kakalimutan ko na lang ng basta-basta siya. As I've said. I'm willing to compromise. And I hope he'll understands it.

That night me and Philip didn't agreed. We fought and cried. I can't even imagine Philip will cry that hard just to make me stay. He even offered me marriage .

"If you just wanted to travel just say it ! You don't have to leave me behind , again! I love you Fen! Can't you see? I'm nothing without you! If this your sick revenge by leaving me then fine! You win! Fuck , just don't leave me! I will give you everything just don't go!"

He can't just see my reasons for doing this. He thinks that his money are enough for me . I don't need money. I never needed that. I wanted to conquer the world before I settle down with him. Of course I still wanted my happy ending with him. Only with him. I can't see myself being with another guy. Only him.

I tried to explain that I will come back for him. That he is my ending. That no matter how far and long I will be away from him, I will always love him.

But then, like me. He just got tired of fighting what he wants. So he left me.