Begin Again

February 9th 2018

No. Freaking . Way.

Nilingon ko ngayon ang walang hiyang taong nakangiting nakasandal sa hamba ng pintuan ng terrace.

Pinagsusuntok ko siya sa dibdib habang naiiyak. How could he? Kaya pala hinaluan niya ng pampatulog yung pineapple juice na ininum ko kanina! Para di ko mabisto 'tong 'surprise' niya ! Lutang pa 'ko kaya karga-karga niya ako hanggang dito sa suite namin.

Sinalo niya ang mga kamao kong gigil na gigil na pinapapalo siya.

Me. With him. In the city of love? Nasa Paris ako? Nasa Paris kami?

With the teary eyes. Tiningala ko ang baliw na nakangising nagplano nito. The nerve of this guy .

"Paris talaga?"

"I know..." He cupped my face and kissed my forehead after.  "Happy fifth monthsary  ." He said while staring each other and both wearing this goofy smile.  I leaned and sighed contentedly on his chest.

And...guess you guys already got all the ideas , all the possibilities kung ano ang mga sumunod na nangyare. As clichè as many kind of stories we already knew , yes . Unfortunately —but not totally,it's still the most amazing event of my life— it did happened to me.

It's like , those times nothing could ever seperates us. We are so into each other , that we came up with this crazy idea na kahit ako hindi ako makapaniwalang ginawa ko nga ito. We're so drowned of this too much blazing passion na akala mo kulang pa rin at di ka makontento.

Well it's a dream come true for a girl like me na ikasal sa romance capital of the world . With your 'insignificant other' . So, sinong matinong babae ang mag iinarte at hi-hindi ? That's a  freaking Paris! It's not like it happens everyday . But that's enough already . Ayoko nang maalala ang mga kagagahan ko noon.

"Did you guys settle everything before you disappear that night?" Nagtatampo pa rin kasi siya sa pag alis ko na walang pasabi. That's why I'm here at her condo to spend some girly time with her.

"I'm sorry M. Hindi ko naman alam na disaster yung supposed to be na pag uusap namin eh."

"Feny, I love you . But your stupid . Malamang nami-miss ka ng asawa mo kaya niya nagawa iyon...you know there's nothing wrong to admit and missed him , natural na yun sa inyo." I nearly wanted to protest but she gave me a strong look that could kill even a mosquito . "All you have to do is to let your self to feel a little bit of emotions. Stop resisting it.

I'm not saying that you should forget everything from the past. But please Feny, you already suffered and so is he.We already knew  that he's stupid of not holding you enough and be blinded because of that stupid best friend of him—and FYI they're not , ever be , will never be engage , so stop planting that in to your mind! Anyway he's a total asshole for not choosing and believing you, I get it—the whole world gets it! But that doesn't mean he don't deserve anything. Or you. Pareho kayong nasaktan , hindi lang ikaw. If you only know , Philip choose to be in the dark for so long. He keeps on blaming himself  , Feny. He won't stop from working to the point that even his family can't tolerate it anymore . His father almost terminate him from the company but they knew also once they do it he will locked himself totally away from all of us... They're afraid they might lose his son for good. "

I wanted to ask her kung paano niya naman nasabi na he's at worst state but I didn't voice it out. As if she can read me she gave me the answer.

" I was there ,Feny . I witnessed everything. With Mister Greens. We tried to cheer him up. But no response . So, please stop guarding your heart. Let it go Feny. Don't be like him. Fight it. Fight for him. Give him his chance to live again.."

Umiling ako at niyakap ang unan na hawak ko.

"It's not that easy , M. I died . And for that he deserve nothing from me. "

"Who said it's going to be easy? The key here is to 'try' . Try Feny, and who knows? Baka dito mahahanap mo ang 'peace of mind' bago ka man lang umalis. Tumigil ka! You both needed peace so stop giving your self a hard time ."

Martha's voice is successfully evaded my mind again. As much as I love her , I hate it that she's always says the right thing.  

At dahil hindi ko magawang makatulog , I went out from M's room and hit the road. While I was on the road thinking the only place that makes me calm whenever my mind is either clouded or in chaos for almost two years, I silently prayed na sana wala siya roon.

I parked and almost thank the stars for being alone when I saw his car parked not so far from where I'm parking.

Huminga ako ng malalim at nagsimulang maglakad sa deriksyon niya. He's so engrossed na hindi niya namalayan na nasa tabi niya na ako.

" It's cold here Fen, why you didn't bring jacket with you?" Ha. So he did knew I was here.

"I can bare it. The cold never bother me any way," I answered him not knowing I quoted the line of Elsa in 'Frozen'.

Hindi na siya umimik kaya I decided to sit on the grass like him. Umihip ang hangin Kaya napilitan akong yakapin ang sarili ko.

He snorted and removed his black suit and put it on my back. I thanked him. Leaving him with his blue long sleeves na ngayon ay tinupi niya hanggang siko. I stared at him . Ako dati ang gumagawa niyan kapag nakikita ko siyang nahihirapang gawin ito. He looks like he's having a hard time na lukot-lukutin ang kanyang sleeve. Ni hindi nga umaangat ito eh.

Gaya ngayon.

I almost tried to reach him and give him a hand. But I stopped before I even do it .

Nalipat sa akin ang atensyon niya. Siguro nakita niya . Without thinking , inabot ko ang kaliwang braso niya at pinag patuloy ang pagtutupi. He didn't protest. Subukan niya ihahampas ko sa kanya ang mga bulaklak na dala niya!

Silence.

After doing it, ibinalik ko sa kanya ang kanyang braso at ipinatong ito sa kanyang hita. Walang imik na humarap ako sa aking anghel. I touched the cold marble in front of me. Ignoring the coldness I caress it and imagining that it's his face I'm caressing .

Tears were forming in my eyes . My baby . My angel. My baby boy.

My darling , I whispered.

My , Chase M. Martè.