The 100: Ways To Survive

Chapter 46: Love

Bellamy

We sat in the end truck, the garage was dead. The only light we had was from the truck, and it was very dim, flickering every now and then. I sat in the driver seat, my gun on the dashboard, my back against the door, my feet resting on the middle seat. Rose sat in the far passenger seat, her legs on the dashboard, her ankles crossed. She had her bullet proof vest on the floor along with her blue sleeved top, she had her vest top on, her necklaces dangling. The wolf and music note on a bracelet made from rope on her right arm, the heart on a gold chain and the diamond on a silver one, resting in between her breasts. I looked at her, she was drawing on a notepad she found. I looked at her arm and the green blemishes decorating it. I'd never seen her arm before, it looked sore and rotten, strange with her pale complexion.

"It's rude to stare," Rose stated, not looking at me and breaking the silence.
"Sorry," I apologised and looked out the windscreen at the metal shutters.
"It's okay," Rose dismissed, she chucked the pad next to my feet and placed the pencil next to it, she looked at me and I looked at her, at her eyes. "I'd stare too," Rose half-smiled with a shrug.
"We all have scars," I mumbled, looking out the windscreen. I had many scars, not many physical, many of them mental.
"You love her, don't you," Rose stated, it wasn't a question. I looked back at her, and remained silent. Rose put her feet down, moving her left leg next to mine on the seat and letting her right one dangle, her back pressed against the door, her arms folded.

"I can tell," Rose stated, "You look at her the way Murphy looks at Emori..." Rose paused, she sat up a little, and sadly shook her head, "but she doesn't notice. With Murphy and Emori they look at each other with such love and passion, that they can't bare to lose one another. They need each other." Rose looked at fiddled the music note on her bracelet and fiddled with it, she then looked back up at me, "You need Clarke. You love her so much it kills you."
"You feel this way about Murphy?" I asked, my tone flat and gravelly. She was right. I did need Clarke. I love her. I can't lose her. But she doesn't notice me, like she didn't notice Wells. She's still grieving. But I still have hope, as long as I'm breathing, I'll have hope. Clarke does need me. She just doesn't love me. Yet.

Rose shook her head and looked at her bracelet, "No, I don't love Murphy. I don't need him."
"So why'd you sleep with him?" I enquired.
She looked up at me, through her fringe, "Because... because, I had some feelings for him. But, he hates me and he has Emori."
"Why does he hate you?" I asked, my forehead creasing. They were best friends, it didn't make sense.
"I knew Emori was here," Rose stated and then she half-laughed, a sad laugh, tipping her head back and looking at the ceiling, before looking at me, "I didn't know it was her. And when I did know, part of me didn't want to help. For a brief moment, my heart stopped hurting with Murphy. I wasn't in-love with him, I didn't need him, but I was very... fond of him," she nodded.
"You miss her," I stated nodding towards the bracelet she was still fiddling with.
"Miss her?" She sarcastically laughed, and then she sincerely said, "it fucking kills." She shook her head and a tear rolled down.
"My girlfriend died," I confessed, I then looked out the windscreen, remembering Gina. But what I felt for Gina was nothing compared to what I felt and feel for Clarke. I loved Gina, but I didn't need her, I wasn't in-love with her, the way I am with Clarke.

"Sorry to hear that," Rose mumbled and I looked back at her, she was facing the windscreen and I saw a tear glistening, in the dim light, as it rolled down her cheek. She then looked back at me and wiped her tears away, her tone slightly bitter and aggressive, "it just sucks! It sucks so much! This shitty world. Everyone we love and care about either dies or leaves. I hate this shithole! I wish it was me. I wish it was me, not Mel. It should've been me," she broke off, her rage turning into sobs. She turned to face the windscreen, her right foot now resting on her seat, her knee pulled up to her chest, her right elbow resting on it and her hand clenched in her fist, covering her mouth, her left leg on the floor, bouncing up and down. "She was the good one," Rose bitterly cried, "She'd know what to do. She wouldn't have let so many people die. I wish it was her here, not me."
"You have us," the words left my tongue, Rose looked at me, her cheeks wet with tears.
She weakly said, "We both know that's a lie."
"It's not," I shook my head, tears making my own voice hoarse as I held them back, "We've made it this far, we can't give up now. We're a team."

Rose looked at me, my words hanging in the air. Silence all around us. Rose shook her head as she sobbed, "It's so hard." I came over and sat in the seat next to her, putting my arm around her, she rested her head on my shoulder. "It's so hard," she repeated, "I'm trying to be strong but the last thing I saw was my father getting shot in front of me," she looked at me, tears still pouring, "I don't know if my mum's still alive. And Melody... Melody, the first person to show me what living is. The girl with her brown wavy hair, bright green eyes and dimples that she hated. The girl who saved me, so many times. She's..." Rose trailed off and swallowed, she looked me in my eyes, "She's dead." I pulled her close, her head in my chest. Her sobs echoing in the van. I stroked her hair, as she let all her tears out. She's grieving, like Clarke. Clarke has lost so many people, like Rose. And I can't imagine how it would feel if I lost Clarke. Clarke is Rose's Melody, Clarke is Murphy's Emori, Clarke is Jasper's Maya, Clarke is Octavia's Lincoln. Clarke is Clarke's Lexa. Clarke is the thing that could destroy me. Clarke is the thing I would let destroy me.