Love Will Make You Stay

Reasons

LENA POV

My reasoning for going off on Stef just didn't seem justifiable to me at all. I felt bad for yelling at her, I felt guilty and I felt stupid. After everything she had done in the past year how could I blow up on her like that. How could I blow up so easily on her, the woman I loved more then anything, but not blow up on Kevin after years of abuse.  To me it was hard to understand and it was hard to make sense of. Was it that I didn't understand how to accept her love all the time? What it because I was worried she would go overboard with trying to protect me to the point of suffocation?  Would she eventually become possessive and leave me to no longer make my own decisions or choices? And did she see me as the abused woman?  These were questions that continued to roll around in my troubled mind and replay over and over. But why all of a sudden now did I have these fears? Or did they resurface or maybe they were suppressed? What it because she was so adamant about me not seeing Kevin and trying to tell me what she didn't want me to do without me having any say so. Maybe it was all of that and more I thought as I walked onto the balcony seeing Callie sitting on her lap holding onto her for dear life.

Truth be told that was another thing that was tugging at my heart. Since getting released from the hosptial the second time Callie had been clinging to Stef like crazy and bursting into tears when she left for work or if she was out of her site.  Getting up for school was another issue for she no longer wanted me to help her get dressed, or let me do much of anything with her anymore.  That was starting to eat at me and I never felt so unloved by my little girl in my life. Was she afraid something would happen to me again? Was she scared I wouldn't be able to take care of her like before. Needless to say it was troubling and it was something Stef and I needed to talk about as well. One of many things. 

As I walked closer to the both of them taking a seat I saw Callie snuggle into her even more and I could only let out smile as Stef soon noticed me and let out a smile herself. Her expression was hopeful but sad and I knew she had a terrible night as well judging by her red eyes. Truth was I missed her like crazy and I had slept like shit for we had been so use to sleeping beside each other by this point that sleeping separately was now unbearable. Each night I craved her warm body that pressed so closely against mine and we would melt into each other almost becoming one.  She would whisper she loved me more times then I could remember and I would hold her hands that she had wrapped around me tighter and tighter never wanting her to let go. Whatever anxiety I was feeling that day, whatever stress I was feeling no longer existed when she was in my presence almost like she was able to block it all.

"Hi mama!" Callie said happily and I glanced to the both of them.

"Morning sweetheart." Leaning in I kissed Callie's soft forehead smiling wide at her and gently stroking her soft cheek. My eyes once again glanced into Stef's as she let out a soft smile. One I reciprocated.

"Can we talk?" 

"Always my love." she said in the softest voice ever. "Sweets why don't you go on and pick your outfit our for school. Me and mama need to talk a bit. Ok?"

"Ok. Will you come soon mommy?"

"Yes honey.I promise." She winked as Callie hesitantly climbed down and walked back into the apartment slowly. I couldn't help but watch her troubled little body fear the separation as it once again was breaking my heart as I soon felt Stef place her hand on my knee. 

"I'm worried about her." I soon said glancing back into Stef's eyes.

"I know love. Me too.  But we will handle it and talk to the therapist about it. I think she just might be a little freaked out."

"Yeah I guess about me going back to the hosptial. I didn't realize how upset it might have made her. She seemed ok."

"She will be love. We just have to reassure her that we are both here for her. Always and that you aren't going anywhere."

"She's  just so scared, terrified when you aren't around. It's like no matter what I say it doesn't help."

"Baby," she said now sitting beside me and sliding her hand into mine. "It was a hard year  for all of you, and Callie just might be feeling things neither one of us understands. Truth is it could be a delayed reaction or stress from everything. But she loves you, she loves you very much. Please don't doubt that my love. You know when you frist came home what happened?"

"MM I'm not sure."

"Mariana didn't come to you as much. However, after a few days she was glued to you. Granted I know this is a little different and I know Callie might need some help and we will get that for her. Together. Yes?"

"Yes." I wiped my tears as she softly kissed my cheek. "Don't worry my sweetheart. We will deal with this just like everything else." Glancing into her warm eyes again I smiled once again as so did she.

"I'm sorry I exploded on you Stef. I don't know what got into me. I just, I'm sorry."

"It's ok. I understand. Lena, I didn't mean to come off controlling and making you feel like you have no say so in your life or decisions. I wasn't trying to be your mother or father or the boss of you."

"I know you weren't. I know you were only looking out for me. Sometimes, I don't know baby I get freaked out myself. For as long as I can remember I've had people control me, and I never felt free to even think. I wonder how I even made it this far in life." I said shaking my head.

"Love, you made it this far in life because you never gave up. Even at your worst you knew you wanted more. You knew it wasn't the life you were meant to have. You knew there was something else and a better way of living. That's why you made it this far."

"You showed me that other life baby. And I'm sorry. I'm sorry I blew up on you. I don't, I don't want you to find anyone else."

"I don't want to find anyone else. Lena, you're it for me. I have never felt this way about anyone. Ever and I am sorry if I suffocated you and became overprotective. I can't help  it. I just I never want anyone to hurt you. Especially under my watch baby. Never. I can try to loosen up. Just, don't leave me."

This was the first time I had ever seen her break down as tears fell from her eyes. From the time I met her and fallen in love with her Stef had always shown her strongest side to me, always and she never showed anything less except when it came to the girls. I had never seen her break down like this ever as I held her hand even tighter and gently cupped her cheek with my hand looking her deep in her beautiful hazel eyes.

"Stef, I'm not leaving you baby. Never. You're it for me as well. I want to wake up next to you everyday of my life, I want to come home to you everyday of my life and I want to experience good and bad things with you. I want us to be their for each other from now until forever. Even after that. I would be crazy to leave you." As a warm smile fell across her face I gently wiped her tears leaning in to softly kiss her lips feeling her kiss me even deeper.

"I hated fighting with you. I hated it." I whispered as we leaned our foreheads on each other.

"I hate it too my love. I slept like shit last night."

"God so did I.  Let's agree if we do fight to not sleep separately again. Ok?"

"Ok baby. You got it."