thoughts on clouds

diastole

sometimes I feel like your absence left a stain on my life I will never remove
it's like no matter how much I keep scrubbing at it hoping it'll go , the blood red spill of heartbreak still remains on my collar
close enough to my neck to suffocate me everyday
large enough to cut off my circulation and my attraction to life
no necklace or scarf will hide it
because out of sight out of mind doesn't always work
its still there
you're still there to remind me of everything I've ever lost and everything I'll never have
A scarf doesn't mean I'm clean
just like a smile doesn't mean I'm happy
A smile means behind rows of pearly whites: there is pain
It means my teeth gritted together isn't in determination to go on
but determination not to shut down
It means the bleeding is internal , the turmoil is inside
twisting and turning in my stomach
snakes curling around my heart and lungs ready to crush me
even smaller than I already feel
All that can be hidden
All that can be disguised
But the eyes never lie
Black orbs void of hope of purpose
will tell you they're void of hope and purpose
even if a smile doesn't
Eyes shy away from a camera scared the lens will capture the emptiness
Eyes that flinch when a hand is raised because they feel the weight of their past back to anchor them down
Eyes that won't meet yours when you say you love them
Because loving is meant for beautiful things and that is something foreign to them
When your heart isn't ready to keep on pumping
You've got to make your own beat