thoughts on clouds

honest to god help me

It seemed once the tears started
I could never get them to stop
They poured out of me , like waterfalls
The dangerous kind , rushing violently, ready to lead you to your death
It just felt like all the pain id been holding in , was beginning to weigh me down .
The river ready to overflow its banks .
I always hated crying
Made me feel weak
But god when my heart was beating too fast for my brain to catch up and my lungs were heaving trying to get in the air that just didn't seem to belong to me
As my hands shook , trembling as if reminding me if I didn't get a grip on the world it would loose me
Struggling to find any sense of clarity of stability .
As my breath hitched not allowing a single breath of air in , almost telling me my time had come and I deserved no better
As the self loathing built up inside of me stacking like bricks , a skyscraper blocking my view of any hope
I couldn't help but feel sick as I dreaded living another day
I couldn't help but cry as I knew this wasn't end
The thought of spending another day smiling in their faces
Pretending I was anything more than okay
Lying to myself that I could actually do this
That I could actually live
That I was actually worth anymore more than the clothes on my back and memories I'd left behind
God I want to cry so bad
I just want to drain all the darkness out of me
I want to spill all the hate , all the loneliness
These poems are all beginning to sound the same
Because they all are the same
And I still hate myself