thoughts on clouds

intro

"Tyler?" I heard someone call. "Tyler, can you hear me?"
Suddenly the world shifted into focus and I looked into the eye of the person speaking to me.
"Tyler do you know why we're here?" She spoke softly, her hazel eyes stained with pity.

I closed my eyes and released a heavy breath. Why was I here ? An icy dagger struck my heart as a suddenly remembered . Oh. The thought of it made me want to crawl into an abyss of nothingness and never leave.

It was a sunny day. I remember that much. The sun beamed down on me with golden rays. I remember the crisp autumn air whispering around me, tickling at my ears then darting away in mischief. I remember smiling as I twisted the key to open the lock of my front door. Smiling at the beauty of the world. The lush oak trees around me; the dew coloured grass beneath my feet . Then the smell hit me. I opened the door and my heart filled with a sense of dread. Something was wrong. "Mama" I called, taking a step in. I could feel my heart racing in my chest as I made my way through the house searching for a sign of life. I paced around fear growing with each room I searched. Beads of sweat trickled down my face.

I made my way into the kitchen noticing things scattered on the floor. The floorboards moaned with every step I took. A broken lamp, a pair of keys, a kitchen knife and there she was. And I just stopped. And stared. And watched as my heart broke into millions of pieces. In that moment I know nothing would ever be right again. A helpless feeling washed over me and I drowned in it. Inside I was screaming, my demons were dancing , racing to escape. A flurry of anger shook me , twisting and whirling inside of me looking for something , anything to blame. It wouldn't change anything , wouldn't change the fact that she was gone. It wouldn't breathe the life back into her.

I heard the trees weep around me, agony pouring out of their willowed trunks. Tick tock tick tick. I heard the clock piercing the empty silence . Crimson blood trickled into the floorboards trying to escape from the death filled house. Smeared lipstick decorated her face. Her eyes once bright with love, passion and caring were now empty. Her burning emerald eyes. Dead. And that smile. That gay smile that never left her face was replaced with the frown of 100 heartbreaks. Suddenly I felt everything stop. The wind stopped blowing, my heart stopped beating and the colour drained from the world. Sadness crashed over me in waves. Crushing, suffocating, emptying sadness. Sadness that I'd never felt before. Pain pulsed through my blood, anguish filled my bones. I wanted to deconstruct every piece of me. I wanted to rip off every layer of skin and sink into the hole left in place of my heart. But I couldn't, I was living in a black and white world. Even dead, she was beautiful. Even her corpse was much stronger than I'd ever be. Because as she lay there, and the clock ticked. As the hours and hours went by. As the neighbour car in letting out a bowl of terror. All I could do was stand there frozen. All I could do was cry. As the ambulance came and they took her away, shaking me, shouting at me, hugging me. All I could do was cry. Enough to fill and ocean. The tears never seemed to run out.

"Tyler" I heard as the lady softly tapped my shoulder. I stared into her soul with empty eyes. "We're here to talk about your mothers death."