thoughts on clouds

watching your best friend die

watching your best friend die is like loosing the battle before it's begun
It's like running head first into an army of 100 with no guns and no grip
they charge at you and there's nothing you can do but watch as you face your defeat
Because how can you fight something you can't see
how can you heal the wounded with no cuts present
watching your best friend die is like watching a car crash right before it happens
you see the cars heading towards eachother full force
you hear the screeching and the screams and the crying in you mind before it happens
you taste the blood in your mouth and flinch at the impact before they even touch
yet when they do you still scream
even though you saw it coming
you still cry
you deny what you see before your very eyes because you simply cannot believe it
even though for months and months you've seen it coming
even though you've bought the casket
you've mourned with tears that aren't yet relevant
you've felt all the pain of loss before you've even suffered it
And then it happens
and it hits you like a boulder
and it doesn't matter how long you've seen it coming
it doesn't matter how much you've cried
It doesn't matter how much you've hope and prayed and begged and screamed and clawed at your own mind asking yourself what you could've done better 
It doesn't matter because it's too late
it doesn't matter because you've failed
and the fact you knew this all along makes the cut twice as deep
it's as if they've died twice in your mind
and you mourn all over agin
And wonder why your love wasn't enough
And why your tears weren't enough
And why it'll never be enough
and you fill that hole left in you with nothing
Nothing at all