Beneath The Mask

132. I Am Definitely In Love With Shakespeare!

I would like to dedicate this week's chapter to mispahacolatse

Sam's POV:

Numb. Detached. Dysphoric. These are the words used to describe a person suffering from Alexithymia. Time after time I have doubted myself of suffering from it. That should explain the suppressed feelings I have, if you could even classify them as feelings.

The numb, almost absent emotions always tormented me more than the worst of depressions ever did, for I doubted if I were human, or not. For humans cry when they are sad, and smile when they are happy. Those beside me could just cry with a snap of their fingers, like an actress high on glycerine. But for me, it always had to forced. It was like my tear glands were always out of stock, and it only made me feel alienated.

For years it didn't matter since I believed I was strong; stronger than anyone I knew. People even described me as being stone hearted, a stone that no one could move, and who was I to change their minds anyway?

It hadn't bothered me much. At least that's what I told myself when I cried myself to sleep saying that it's alright, or when I get scared of being lonely. It didn't matter anymore. In fact, I felt really grateful at this moment; more grateful than I have ever been for anything in my life cause I didn't have to feel the betrayal, or anger coursing through me.

At least that's what I tell myself.

The cab drove slowly, and each second dragged along with it. I felt a warmth over my hand, and I turned my head to the side to find Brian looking at me, concerned. "Sam, you're scaring me."

I smiled. "Why? Do I look scary?"

He shook his head. "You don't look scary, but your look is scary."

I chuckled. "What's that supposed to mean?" I knew exactly what he meant, but what I didn't want was a long conversation with him about what happened. I wanted to cut this talk as short as possible, and get the hell out of here. And for the first time, I wanted to be alone.

"I've never seen you so... distraught? Is that the right word?"

I chuckled again. It felt easier to laugh than to cry at this moment. "You tell me." Actually don't, but I could not tell him that. I didn't want to snap at him when all he was trying to do was help me. Now where the hell was my house when I needed it?

His lips set in a grim line. "Sam, I know what you're doing. You don't need to shut yourself off."

"I am not shutting myself off." That was the truth. I wasn't trying to shut myself off. This was who I truly was. I couldn't change that about me even if I tried to. How could I try to change something I have no control over?

I sighed, and looked out the window. Maybe if I looked away, he wouldn't pry anymore. But lucky for me, my house came in view before he could speak again. "STOP THE CAR!"

The car screeched to a halt, and my head banged on the front seat on impact. "Ouch!" Maybe I deserved that. Let's see if I get some sense in my brain at least from now on. I groaned, and got off the car.

"Sam!" Brian's voice made me stop. He sighed. "Take care."

I smiled. "I'll see you tomorrow."

He hesitated. "Are you sure about that?"

I nodded. "A 100 percent."

He didn't seem so sure, but he nodded his head, and the taxi moved away from my view. Phew! Finally, I've got some lone time.