Not everyone, not you

Chapter 32 - Explanation

Lexa's POV

We're in our room, sitting on the couch in silence. I'm trying to pull myself together so that I can tell Clarke why I trust Roan. I want to tell her the truth about my life. Why I was the way I was when I first met her. I want to tell her about Costia. This is the perfect opportunity to do so.

"Lexa, please tell me." Clarke said in a quiet voice.

"I'm trying Clarke. I want to tell you everything."

"Then tell me, please."

"Are you sure you're ready?" I ask in a whisper.

"Yes."

I take a deep breath and focus my gaze on the floor.

"Before I met you, actually before you guys even landed on Earth, I was in love with a girl. Her name was Costia. When I became Heda, the coalition didn't exist. It took a long time to finally get all of the clans to agree. As you know, Nia and I have never been on good terms. She wanted to know my secrets. She didn't think that Azgeda needed to be part of the coalition, but she joined it anyways. She wanted to rule all 12 clans. I guess the one wasn't enough. She found out about me and Costia somehow and she believed she knew my secrets. She took her from me and kept her locked in the dungeon and tortured her. Costia didn't tell her anything. I knew she wouldn't, she loved me more than I could ever love her. Every time she has a chance to rest from the pain Nia put her through, Roan would sneak her some food and water, to keep her strong. He knew she was special to me and he didn't want her to die. He knew that she was going to die if she didn't escape. He had a plan, he came to Polis he told me everything. We had a plan to rescue her. The day before the plan was to be put into action, I had a box delivered to my bed. I didn't think much of it, since I got a lot of presents from different people thanking me for making their lives better, so I opened it." I take another deep breath.

Clarke moves closer to me and rests her head on my shoulder. I continue the story.

"Her head was in that box. I could barely recognize her, she had so many cuts on her face. As soon as I was able to process what had just happened, I yelled for the guards to get Titus. He came minutes later and he saw her head. He looked up at me and he could see how much pain I was in. He told me that the Queen had sent that box. I tried to understand why she would send me my dead lover's head. Titus said that she was trying to exploit my weakness. He told me that my love for Costia, was the weakness that she found. She knew I would do anything to save her. I was young at the time, so I trusted Titus when he said that love was weakness. I stopped caring, I stopped making decisions with my heart and started making them with my head. I became a different person. I wanted peace, so I let Azgeda stay in to coalition. 10 months later we see something fall from the sky, it was your drop ship. I didn't care at first, but then realized you landed in our territory, which meant we had to kill all of you. Lincoln managed to convince me not to start a war without a proper reason. He knew you guys were harmless, at the time anyways, until you got guns. Once we saw how powerful you were with those weapons, I felt threatened. You were a threat to my people, so I sent an army. Then the Mountain Men got involved and we backed away because we knew we couldn't defeat them, not yet. More things fell from the sky, more of your people. They weren't a threat, they seemed to come in peace. Then a village was mascaraed. We surrounded your camp. I wanted revenge for what Finn did to my people. That's when you came into my tent and we made a deal. Indra was angry that I didn't kill you. As soon as you walked out of my tent, I knew you were going to cause so much trouble for me. I completely fell in love with you Clarke. You weren't scared or me. You argued with me. You questioned my decisions. I would have killed anyone else who did all of those things, Clarke. But I didn't. We went to the mountain, I betrayed you, which was the worst mistake of my life. You killed innocent people in the mountain and when I realized my mistake I realized something else. Costia told me we would never be able to defeat the mountain, they were too powerful against us. She was my weakness. You told me that we could defeat the mountain and save our people and we did that, but obviously not the way we planned it, but in the end, the mountain is gone. You're my strength Clarke." I say with tears streaming down my face.

Clarke lifts her head from my should and looks at me. She wipes my tears with her sleeve and pulls me into a long and much needed hug.

"Thank you for explaining. I love you so much Lexa." she says quietly into my ear.

"I trust Roan because he told me what his Queen, his mother was doing. He went out of his way to tell me the truth. That's why I trust him."

"He's a great man, Lex. I trust him too. I trust anyone that you trust."

"And I trust anyone that you trust."

"Did you ever trust Bellamy?"

"I did before I betrayed you. After that, I knew he would be angry. I didn't think he's take it out on his own people, but he's dangerous to us Clarke."

"I know. I understand. We should pack, we leave at first light." she suggests.

"Okay, I'm exhausted."

She smiles at me and pulls away from the hug and kisses me softly before getting up and getting undressed. I follow her and get undressed then I get into bed. We meet in the middle and she rests her head on my chest.

"Goodnight Commander." she says softly.

"Goodnight Flamekeeper." I respond.