finding you

three

I can't believe I'm doing this.

I can't believe I let Ronnie drag me to this party. No, worse—pit party. Translation: getting wasted in the bush around a not-so-safe, not-so-small bonfire.

Pit parties are not something you will likely find in the city. You only hear about them in isolated small towns like lovely Growers because... well because what else are you going to do?

"Kay, T. You need to wipe that face off your face. I thought I got you pumped up enough at my house. Come on! Are you not drunk? I told you to do a ten second chug before we left!"

"It was 5 seconds and yes my buzz is completely gone," I lie. I'm still slightly buzzed. I kind of panicked when we were pre-drinking and took extra swigs of vodka every time Ronnie went to the bathroom. "I don't think I can do this."

"MY GOD, if you bail," she growls through clenched teeth and grabs onto my arm. Hard. "Please, T. For me... You know what? Forget me. You need to do this for you. Just please give it 20 minutes, and then I will ask you to give it another 20 minutes. One step at a time. Plus, there are so many people you don't even know here so just go mingle and make new friends. Don't even talk to the alumni. You're too good for them. You look too good for anybody here tonight, anyway... seriously where did that bod come from? Did you spend the whole time in Georgia inside of a gym?"

All I hear is Alumni. I cringe and let out the first laugh of the night. Even though she is supposed to be driving, I am sure she took a few swigs behind my back as well.

For the first time tonight, I consider the possibility of having a good time. It can't be that bad... can it? Ugh, I don't know. I am freaking out. It already feels like I'm back in high school.

No, I can't. My insides feel like they're building up a panic attack already. Not today, Theo. No way. You are not letting this run your life anymore. You are doing this. Now.

"Fine. Just promise you won't leave me, or I will never talk to you again." I give her my most threatening eyes. I am being dead serious. I wonder if she actually realizes how serious I'm being.

"I am not going to leave you! I promise, but you need a drink if you want to start this thing right."

"Maybe just one."

I need a clear head... mostly. Plus, I really don't like the feeling of being out of control. I am still slightly buzzed anyways, and I really just want to keep to myself. But it also isn't going to hurt to loosen up a bit...

"Come with me."

There are so many people here. It seems like Ashton is more popular today than he ever was in high school. It's a crazy thought to me. Everyone knew who Ashton was, but not really. He was the 'funny' kid in school. Veronica and I were one of the few who took the time to get to know him and before we knew it, we became a threesome.

"Ash misses you so much. He's gunna be so excited!" Ron sings beside me.

"I miss him, too. Remember you're not drinking, V. I need my getaway driver."

"Yes, ma'am... come on!" She pulls my arm and we set through a giant crowd of already-drunk, already-sweaty teenagers. I forgot how much I hated these things. Seriously, how did I agree to come here?

Plunging through the crowd, I tighten my grip around Ronnie's arm. My anxiety grows with every awkward eye contact I make with several of my former classmates. I feel like I can hear the low whispers of them talking about me. I look away from the fire from where most of the people are, so they don't see me. I feel my high school insecurities already coming back in one single wave. So far this isn't good.