finding you

twenty one

"Oh my God," I say, speaking my exact thought at this moment. "Oh. My. God." 

Both of my hands drop to my side. I immediately grab my phone and dial Ronnie. I curse out loud when I get her answering machine so I try Ashton. His rings, at least, but he's not answering. I'll try again in a few minutes.

"Theo." 

"Gah!" I choke out, spinning around with my hand on my chest. Rhys. "Jeez!"

He chuckles and walks up to me. "Sorry." 

To be honest, I'm glad he's still around because it scares the shit out of me to be alone in any street in the middle of the night. 

"I-I'm locked out," I say, mentally cringing at my stutter. Why am I shaking right now?

"I see that. Good thing I didn't wander off too far... Hey." He stops a few feet in front of me. I can see his smile start to fade when he sees my face. 

Obviously I suck at trying to keep my cool. This is so embarrassing. You're fine, Theo. You're fine.

"Are you okay?"

"Yes. Just... annoyed. She's not answering her phone." 

"Let me see if I can get ahold of Ashton." He looks at me with kind eyes. His eyes don't seem to threaten me like most eyes do. I nod at him because I don't know what else to do.

I watch while Rhys calls around, including Ashton. Each time I hear the phone ring on the other end, more and more panic makes its way inside me. I don't want to sleep anywhere tonight except where I know I am safe. That leaves my place or Ronnies. I can't go to my place because I don't have my key and my dad is sleeping. Plus, I don't even have a ride out there.

I breathe out heavily when Rhys hangs up and looks at me. "He'll probably call back. I'll wait with you... or why don't you just come back with me?" 

I don't look at him. Instead, I let myself slide down against the door, ending up with my butt on the ground. My elbows are on my knees and I hold my head with my hands.

"Theo." 

I feel Rhys kneel down in front of me. He pauses for a moment before moving so he's sitting right beside me. 

Too close beside me. He's touching me and I want to move away. And he wants me to go with him.

I just need to calm my breathing down so I don't end up having a full-fledged panic attack right in front of him. 

"Hey." He tells me quietly, pulling one of my hands down so he can see my face. 

His touch makes me flinch and I turn my face away so he won't see the embarrassing fear written all over my face. I feel like I'm about to cry now, mostly because I'm embarrassed. I probably look like I'm going to cry. I hear him sigh. I wait for him to get up and ditch me, the freak, who he probably is now realizing I am. 

Why are you like this Theo?

There is no reason for you to be freaking out like this. You're fine. 

And yet...

And yet my breathing becomes erratic. Not too intense like a lot of my panic attacks are, but intense enough where it's obvious to know what's happening. A couple of tears slide down my face, but all I can focus on is my breathing. My eyes are closed, scrunched tightly as if it will keep the tears from coming. 

Rhys just sits beside me. With me. My hand is still in his and his thumb is slowly making circles on the back. It's soothing. Comforting. 

But it surprises me above all. Why is he sitting with me and not running for the hills? Or calling for some help thinking I need to be in a psych ward?