finding you

seventy seven

"Nial," I breathe. "I don't... I don't know what to do with this. This is all... a lot, but you don't know what he caused for me in school. You don't know all that he did." My mind flashes to me laying in a pool of my own blood in the girl's locker room. It flashes to the time I laid in bed all day when my parents were out, bawling out my eyes while I prayed to God to take me away. I didn't want to kill myself the selfish way. I couldn't do that to mom and dad, but I wanted to die more than anything. I almost just did it. I would think about ways to do it- ways to make it seem accidental. I was done. I was so close to actually being done, and Rhys... Rhys was a big part of that. The way people saw me. They isolated themselves from me. I didn't even have the guy in my life I called my brother anymore. He broke me first. This almost broke me completely. I had nobody. Nowhere was safe anymore. I couldn't bear to keep hurting my parents. I was a burden. I'm the reason they divorced. I'm always the reason...

"Theo. Theo?"

My eyes make their way up to his. Nial.

He sighs. He looks completely broken. I've never seen Nial like this. I didn't think this part of him existed. It makes we wonder more about him. Is anyone what they seem?

"Nial, I- I can't." I can feel myself start to give up again. I've never felt this low since before Rhys. I actually thought I was done with all that.

"He's in love with you, Theo. He might not admit it to himself because he's ashamed. He's ashamed of what he did. He doesn't love himself. He's more like his brother than he thinks."

As fast as my heart is beating right now listening to that, the pain I feel is still more. It's bigger than what my heart feels.

"Theo, when he made that rumor... you did remind him of his mother."

I raise my eyebrow at him. Really, Nial. Really?

He sighs but continues anyway. "You reminded him of her even then. I think it fucked him up a bit. He was in a constant state of back and forth hating his mom for what she did. I think he just wanted to be evil... I think he wanted to hate her in every way he could. But the truth is, he doesn't hate her. He's finally come to terms with that now."

"So, he just decided to make my life a living hell because I reminded him of his mom? How does that even remotely sound sane? He's sick, Nial."

"He was, Theo. Yes. As sinister as this sounds, I think he also chose you because it would be the most believable. I remember how sad you were. You were nothing like you are today. A completely different person."

"I was sad. I was depressed. I looked the part... what he did- what he said- pushed me further into that state. I honestly filled the role he was trying to fill, anyway. It was believable because it turned out to be true." I feel a tear fall down my cheek and I laugh- an unhappy, cruel laugh. "It's true."

"No, Theo, it's not." I suddenly feel Nial's hand on my knee. I am conflicted on whether to let him comfort me or not. I look up at him. "The way everything went down... I watched him struggle everyday after that. He thought he killed you. He watched you in pain, and it hurt him. It hurt him the way his mother hurt him."

I can't stop the tears falling down my face anymore. I honestly don't even try to stop them. It's too tiring. This is wrong. Everything about this is so wrong. "Nial, p-please... stop."

I don't know how much time goes by. My eyes are shut tight and my hands wrapped tightly around my mug. Suddenly, warm hands fall on top of mine. I slowly open my eyes. Nial is pulling the mug out of hands. He places it on the bedside table before coming back to me. Wrapping his arms around me, I let him hold me. He presses my head against his chest, and I let myself cry into him. It feels good to be held by someone right now.

"I've never seen Rhys laugh the way he does around you. I've never seen him smile from ear to ear after his mom died. He used to all the time. He was known for that stupid fucking smile. He was the cutest kid around." Nial chuckles and my head moves along with his chest. It's comforting. "I never thought I would see the smile of my best friend again. So, despite all of this shit, Theo, despite all of it, I thank you from the bottom of my heart for bringing that out in him. I mean that. I truly mean it. Thank you."