finding you

thirty three

My whole body hurts. I look down at my knees that have grass stains on them from when I fell. I have dirt on my hands and I'm sure my sweater is dirty, too. I'm not necessarily sore... I just feel overdone. My body is drained. I've stopped crying... for the most part. I can feel my eyes swelling up but the odd tear still escapes when I let myself think about what just happened. Rhys is driving me back to my house. We've just pulled onto the highway. We haven't spoken yet and the minutes seem like hours as I'm trying to come up with something to say. Except, I don't even think I want to say anything. I have nothing to say. 

I just want to hurt all by myself.

Rhys told Brooke. I know Brooke is a bitch and can make anything sound completely awful, but that doesn't excuse the fact that she knew it in the first place. My eyes narrow at Rhys beside me. His eyes are pinned on the road, completely in his own head. I wonder what he's thinking.

"Are you plotting something?" He catches me off guard by speaking and I awkwardly look back to the road. 

I don't respond. Instead, I hear him sigh. 

"I'm afraid to say anything right now." His voice is quiet. However, it somehow eases the tension in the car. 

I breathe in deeply, kicking my knees up to hug my legs on top of the seat. I almost decide to not say anything for the rest of the ride, but I feel like I need to for myself. I can't just ignore the way this hurt me. 

"Please don't lie to me. Please, Rhys."

"I did not say anything. To anyone. Theo, I've only like kind of talked about it with Ashton but that's only because he's your friend-- and only about the kiss. I would never, ever, do what you think I did."

He seems exasperated and I notice his grip tighten on the wheel. I feel tears prick the corners of my eyes again just listening to him. I want to believe him. He sounds so sincere. But how else would Brooke get the idea to do that to me?

I can't help but wonder what he thinks of the virgin part. Does he think it's true? Does that bother him? What if that scares him off? I mean, because it is true. I just don't know why it has to be such an embarrassing thing. I hate that I feel like this.

"I just don't see how it could have happened any other way." A tear breaks through and falls down my cheek. I look out the window so he doesn't see.

He breathes out a sigh and we don't talk for a few minutes. "She could have just... made it up. I don't know, Brooke's fucked like that."

Ha. That's not likely... 

I huff out a breath before turning to face him. 

"Just seems a little coincidental, don't you think?" I'm about to say something else when I realize we're almost halfway to my house. Why does the feeling of going home right now make me sick? I don't think I can handle doing this on my own. It's weird... I don't want to be around anyone but the thought of it is making me physically ill. I look over to Rhys again in panic. I don't want to leave him. It's the last thing I want to do. If I say goodbye like this I know I'll never talk to him again. For some reason, I can't stand that thought.

"I don't want to go home," I say suddenly, borderline panicking. I may have said it too quiet for him to hear. I'm proven wrong when his entire head flinches in my direction. 

"What?"

I huff out a breath, looking back to the window. Shut up, Theo. Shut up. He's taking you home. Then you're never going to talk to him again.

Why do I feel terrified at the thought? 

"I don't want to go home." My voice speaks again, sounding more audible than before. I pray he doesn't ask me about it again. I just want him to take me somewhere.

Somewhere with him.

I can feel his eyes on me as I stare into the nothingness in front of me. 

Don't say anything. Just drive. If you ask me again I'm going to change my mind.

Suddenly as if hearing my thoughts, Rhys pulls over on to the side of the highway. He looks at me for a moment, and I'm almost sure he's going to say something along the lines of 'well where the heck do you want to go if it's not home?'

He can't ask me that. Because I won't let myself say it. I won't. 

He seems to understand me because when I look over at his eyes for a second, they're blazing into me. It's like he's feeling what I'm feeling. As messed up as this night was, there is nothing I need more than to be in someone's arms tonight. His arms.

Maybe it's the selfishness is me-- using him to avoid a night filled with panic attacks. But it's the least he can do.

He suddenly nods at me, as if acknowledging what I'm thinking, and then pulls out onto the highway to turn around. We're going to his house.

*

A bit later we're pulling onto the property. The whole ride was silent and I'm pretty sure he thinks I'm asleep right now. I'm turned away from him, somewhat facing the window, but I'm looking down. I have my hood up even though it's dark outside. Before I have the chance to sit up from my seat, Rhys parks the truck and immediately jumps out, shutting the door behind him. I'm left sitting there curled up and completely stunned. Is he just going to leave me out here? Is he mad? Oh my God, he's just going to leave out in his truck to sleep because he had no idea what else to do with me.

Before my mind could escape into complete freak out mode, the passenger door swings open and my whole body jumps. Literally. Holy shit. Instinctively, I look up at him. Rhys. My eyes are wide open from just being jump-scared. He looks at me for a moment, not saying anything-- probably wondering why I look as if I just shit my pants. I feel like I should probably say something but I just can't. Something's wrong with me. Suddenly he's moving again--towards me? He practically envelops me as he reaches over to unbuckle my seatbelt. I'm about to get out but he doesn't move. His arm is still around me. I look at his face but he's not looking at me. What's up with him?

All of a sudden I'm lifted off from my seat and in his arms. I am being carried out of the truck. I expect him to put me down right away but he doesn't. He kicks the door closed with his foot and keeps walking. If I wasn't so exhausted from today, I would have felt so awkward about this. But I don't. Instead, my body warms and my heart begins to beat back to life again. 

As much as I hate him right now, there's nowhere else I want to be. I can feel his chest through his shirt. His warmth... it envelops me and I never want him to let me go. I'm afraid that if he does, I'll start crying. Why all of a sudden do I feel so emotional? Like the only thing keeping me from breaking is the feel of Rhys? Unknowingly I nuzzle into his neck, taking in his scent. This seems to comfort him because he turns his head so it's against mine as if trying to bring me closer. I feel his lips on the top of my head, in which I have no response to except for closing my eyes to savor the feeling. 

Warm air finally welcomes me as he brings us inside. I'm still curled into him, not wanting him to put me down yet. I don't feel strong enough yet. I feel him walking, taking us somewhere, wondering if he's going to go upstairs or downstairs. I soon feel us descend stairs. I'm actually relieved were going downstairs because his dad sleeps upstairs. I guess I just like the idea of not awkwardly running into a parent when I'm going to the bathroom. A door creaks open and I immediately know we're in his brother's bedroom. Salis. I know I should probably say something or move from his arms, but I still feel scared to let go. Suddenly Rhys stops, probably wondering why I'm clutched to him like some koala bear. I'm about to suck it up and move from off of him when I feel the comfort of a mattress on my back. Rhys is laying me down in bed, and his arms are still wrapped around me. He lifts up the covers and moves us both underneath them. I feel him press up against my back as he moves in closer to me. He's still holding me. His arms are strong and warm around my stomach and I immediately press more against him, causing him to squeeze my waist in a comforting gesture. I would turn around to face him but I don't want him to see my face. We just lay like this for a while. He traces circles on my bare stomach and it brings me so much comfort I almost cry. There are no words to say right now. It's like he just knew what I needed. 

And right now, I almost think he needed it, too.