finding you

twenty six

Rhys drove me home shortly after. He insisted on cuddling for awhile even after the movie was finished. I never thought just cuddling and doing nothing else could be so fun. I also had to promise that I'd let him take me out for lunch. If not tomorrow then he said the day after. I think he's worried that I don't believe that he actually likes me. He was smothering me with tiny kisses all over my face while we were on the couch, trying to reassure me. 

I giggle when I think back to it and a blush creeps up on my cheeks. Is he actually for real? Is this happening? Did something just happen between us today and did we actually acknowledged it? 

Oh my god, what is my dad going to say about all of this? In all my life, I've never hung out with boys-not including Ashton. I'm 20 years old and I have yet to go through this awkward stage in life. I'm basically 15 when it comes to guys and boyfriends. My dad is most likely going to treat me like I'm fifteen when he finds out all about this. If he ever does... I mean there isn't really anything to tell. Rhys isn't my boyfriend.

I cringe. I'm sprawled out on the couch upstairs, waiting for my dad to get home from work. I have TLC on and I'm half a bowl deep in popcorn with extra butter. I need all the butter I can get after today. I should probably try and cook something but I thought about it and decided I'd rather have my dad cook something for me. He should be home any minute anyways as it's basically dinner time. 

My phone buzzes beside me and my stomach does a little flip. Rhys has been texting me the second he dropped me off. I obviously can't get used to this. Every time I see his name on my screen I can't believe it. It's like a shock every single time. I grin and swipe open his message.

Rhys: My lips are chapped ;)

My blush grows as I feel a surge of giddiness roll through me for the hundredth time today. 

Me: Is that so? Must be the dry weather... 

Rhys: Nope... so much kissing

Me: Omg! 

Me: That was all you

Rhys: LOL no babe, it usually involves two people

My heart flutters at his use of the word 'babe.' I know he's not actually calling me 'babe' or anything. However, I pretend for a moment that he is and that I'm his. My whole body heats in excitement. My phone buzzes again.

Rhys: I'm seeming to remember you pulling ME on top of YOU

Rhys: ;)

Rhys: My point being is that you were very, VERY involved

My heart stops for a couple beats before starting again. Why am I starting to feel so hot all of a sudden? I feel so... scandalous? I'm not even doing anything and I feel naughty. 

A couple pieces of popcorn fall out of my mouth when another text comes in. 

Rhys: Was that okay?

I frown at his message and type back.

Me: Was what okay?

Rhys: Everything that happened today

I don't know what to say to that. I know what he's referring to and I know I should be honest, but I really just want to brush it off. This isn't a topic I talk about openly. Whatever has been going on with Rhys has been the farthest I've ever gone with a guy. It may seem like absolutely nothing-even to him- but to me, it's the most vulnerable I've ever let myself be to someone. Part of me just wants to stop this before it gets too far into something I'm not ready for, but the more I think about it, the more scared I am of not going farther. In these past few days, I have felt more alive than I have in my entire life. I don't want to give this up. 

I'm terrified, yes...

But I can't even express how more terrified I am of myself. 

I slowly type a response. I don't know what I want to do yet. I also don't know how I even feel yet. I just know I that I like him. I don't want to scare him off yet. I can't even believe he's still interested in me after all that has happened already.

Me: I'm okay. Are you?

He fails to respond right away, leaving a sinking feeling in my stomach. I try not to think about it so I toss my phone to the opposite end of the couch refusing to look at it. I focus my attention to the TV and my popcorn but it's still hard to not think about him. 

My dad strolls through the door a few minutes later. It takes him a few minutes to notice me sprawled across the couch. When he does, he eyes me with a strange look and I just awkwardly smile. "Hey, Pops." 

"Kiddo. Where were you today?"

I open my mouth to speak but I quickly close it again. This is ridiculous. Am I seriously scared about telling my dad I've been hanging out with a boy? My mind flashes back to Rhys's arms around me all night. 

My dad would flip if he knew where I spent the night. 

"With Ronnie. We went out last night but we slept in late then just watched some movies when we woke up."

He nods at me, but then looks at me as if he's almost skeptical. "Are you hungover, Theo?" 

"Nooooo Dad." I groan like a thirteen year old.

He chuckles at me before pretending to look as if he was appalled at my behaviour. I roll my eyes at him and turn back to the TV screen. He lets me be and busies himself in the kitchen, muttering a few words about making some burgers. 

I reluctantly look over at my phone. It's face down by the pillow on the opposite end of the couch. After a moment of me scowling, I forfeit my plan of not looking at my phone for the rest of the night and grab it, swiping it open. I breathe out a huff at myself for being so darn weak but perk up immediately at Rhys's name on the screen. He texted back!

Rhys: That's good. :) I'm super, kid

I smile a little at his message but I can't help but feel like something's not okay. I don't know what I was expecting him to say, but I guess I was hoping he would want to talk more about it. What am I saying? I should be thanking him for not pushing it. I type back a quick response saying I'm glad he's good with it, too. My message doesn't require a response so I shouldn't expect him to respond. I'm annoyed at myself for being a little concerned when he doesn't text me after ten minutes. I guess we're done talking for today. I convince myself I'm fine with it as I'm so tired anyway from the day anyway. 

Today was full of firsts. Exciting, beautiful and scary firsts.

And somehow... I'm smiling again.