finding you

thirty eight

His mouth is still on my neck, working his way down my collarbone. He groans when he reaches the rim of my sweater that's blocking his way from going any further.

I know what he wants. I think. 

Surprisingly, I think I want to give in... to him. At least my body does.

I've never felt like this before. Rhys has been on top of me for longer than 5 minutes and I haven't absolutely freaked about it yet. I'm doing the opposite actually. I'm really into this and I have no idea what this even is.

Rhys continues to kiss me, seeming fairly content with whatever isn't covered by my sweater. He's being careful. He's not trying to tug it off or anything which surprises me. 

He's not pushing me.

Surprising us both, I move to sit up and tug at the bottom of my sweater. I hesitate for a moment, just looking at it. It's just a sweater. You have a tank top on underneath. It doesn't mean anything.

"I'm getting really hot." I breathe. Which I actually am. Very.

He just smiles at me, leaning back so I can sort of sit up all the way. He gives a soft chuckle and any nerves that were slowly crawling their way back to me disappear again. 

"Here." His hands go on top of mine, helping me pull the sweater off. "I like that sweater, by the way. It's cute on you." 

"It's literally my dad's work sweater." I pull it off and toss it to the end of the bed. 

"I can see that. It's cute." He smirks. His eyes seem to then roam my body, immediately sparking my body with a mix of excitement and nerves.

My tank top is more like an undershirt since I wasn't really planning on removing my sweater at all last night. It's white and it clings tightly to my chest, making me look a lot more curvy than I actually am. I shift a little under his gaze making his eyes meet mine again.

"Come here." He smiles, grabbing my waist before pulling me on top of him. He practically lifts my whole body off the bed and turns us around so he's lying against the headboard and I'm straddling him. I squeal a little at the motion which makes him laugh. 

We just sit like that for a moment looking at each other. I've never been in such a compromising position. Dear lord.

My whole body is hot and it keeps getting hotter. I can feel him. A lot of him.

I suddenly burst into a giggle and cover my face with my hands. I don't know what to do here. This is so embarrassing. Oh my God, what is he thinking right now?

"What are you doing?" He doesn't sound confused. He sounds very entertained by this. 

I lower my hands just enough to see him. "I..."

Suddenly I'm cut off by his warm sounding laughter. It makes my face go even redder and I go back to covering my whole face. "Oh, God."

"Woah hey no, stop." He laughs, grabbing both of my hands in his and pulling them down. 

I try to look down at him even though I know how red my face must be. He has a giant smile on his face. He doesn't seem weirded out at all. He still seems as playful as he was before. 

"Stop hiding your face. I know you haven't done much of this before... it's nothing to be embarrassed about." His hands hold mine gently, rubbing circles on the back of them with his thumbs. 

My eyes flicker away from his. I seem to get more and more shy when we talk about this. I know he knows it. I honestly think he really enjoys it.

"Theo you've barely done anything and you have me completely losing control. I've never been so turned on by anyone. Seriously." He laughs than quickly adds after, "I hope that doesn't freak you out by me saying that."

I look down at him. "Oh my God. Stop!"

He laughs again at me and moves his hands so they are on my thighs, rubbing them gently. "We don't have to do anything. I quite enjoy just sitting like this."

That makes me laugh and I shake my head. He's being too sweet. He really is amazing. The surprising thing about this whole thing is the fact I'm even able to be like this right now.

And I'm not scared. 

Nervous maybe... but I'm doing okay.

My sudden pride in how far I've come in the last few weeks gives me encouragement and I lean in first to kiss him. His hands immediately go up around my waist, bringing me down even closer. The feeling of his strong arms on my body feels like a tease on my body and I press my lips to his. It's slow and tantalizing at first. His hand roams its way up to the back of my neck, pressing me even closer. His mouth opens to mine and we seem to find our rhythm because suddenly, it feels so natural. It feels as if our bodies know what to do more than we do. 

Our breathing becomes messy as we both struggle to get even closer. I start to move more in rhythm on top of him, surprising me by how natural this all feels. And it feels good. 

Oh God does it feel good.

I involuntarily thrust my hips sending a shock of energy through me. The feeling is exquisite and its almost as if I'm not even present in my mind, just in my body. It's like all I need is to feed this feeling and get further into this state. I don't like being in my mind anyway. This is perfect.

I wonder how much further I can get...

I move again but this time Rhys's wrists shoot up and grab mine, holding them away from him so I can't get closer. He's breathing heavy and his eyes are glossed over. I tilt my head at him in confusion and he just smirks at me. Suddenly I'm lifted again and tossed underneath him in such a fast motion that I don't even have time to react. I gasp at the abruptness. I'm about to say something but his mouth is suddenly on mine again. I don't even remember what I was about to say.

"Rhys..." I breathe, his mouth suddenly on my neck again. Suddenly his fingers find the hem of my shirt and they sneak underneath, grazing my skin. His hands are hot and they find their way to my back. The feel of his touch on my bare skin is addicting and I find myself start to explore him with my own hands. Before my hands can go under his shirt he pulls away a little and shakes his head.

His breaths are heavy as he looks me in the eye and says, "Let me do this for you."

Oh... does he not like that? Am I doing something wrong?

He must see what I'm thinking because he quickly speaks again. "You drive me crazy. I don't want to lose control with you. I'm embarrassed to say that but you do this to me." He awkwardly motions to below his waist. It takes me a second to get what he's referring to.

"Oh."

"Theo... let me touch you."

His words seem to come out of the blue.

What? Are you not touching me right now?

"What do you mean..."

His playful smirk is back and he awkwardly looks to the side as if waiting for me to catch on.

He wants to... for some reason I can feel myself still at his words. I don't know what exactly his intentions are but I don't want to be the only one having something done to. It's starting to remind me of why I fear intimacy... and why I seem to only get so far with it.

Because of him.

But Rhys isn't him.

So why does it feel the same all of a sudden?