finding you

nine

"Last chance to back out; we're at the outskirts of G-town. Speak now or forever hold yo' peace."

"Ashton. Please, just shut up." I kick my flip flops off and put my feet up on the dash.

"Just saying, babe."

"Well don't. I'm here now. I'm not backing out. It's a beautiful day for the lake so why wouldn't I want to come?" I know I'm talking fast and weird, but I didn't expect anything less to happen. I am freaking out. I am going to spend the whole day on a boat with a bunch of guys that for the most part, helped make my high school career a literal living hell. Okay, that might be a little dramatic, but Rhys was definitely no angel to me.

"Okay, okay. Sorry." He surrenders and gives me a sappy smile. I roll my eyes and focus my attention back to the highway. I haven't been on this highway since I was in high school... this is weird. Everything's fine, Theo. You are fine. "Can I just say one thing?"

"Shoot." My voice is barely a mumble.

"I'm so so so happy to be here with you right now, heading out for a day on the lake with you and just having fun. It's been a long time since it's been like this. I miss you."

"Ashton." I am so so so thankful for this boy. He'll never know how important he actually is to me and how he saved me from so much during school. We never really talked about personal things then, and we definitely don't now, but I would like to change that. I want to become the person that talks about things. I want to be able to talk about my mental health and things that have happened to me. I want to be strong. Not weak. I wish to be brave but, "I missed you too," is all I can manage to say right now.

We drive in silence for most of the way, listening on and off to Ashton's music and my own. His playlist consists of a mix of everything between Darius Rucker and Kodak Black. I mostly play Alex & Sierra (they are my current obsession), but I did play the odd country ballad. I lost count of all the sappy remarks coming from Ashton's mouth about my taste in music over half of an hour ago. I have brief seasons of particular genres and the odd season of literally every song from every genre. That's just me.

Dually is almost two hours away so we have about another half hour to go. With every passing mile, I feel anxiety and nervousness claw its way inside me.

Please, no. Not today. Not today. Please, God. Let me have one good day with people. Let me experience things. I want to have fun and be crazy. God, I want to have friends.

My anxiety doesn't shrink in the slightest as we drive through the park towards the marina. I can smell the water. I love it, but that also means we're close. Very close.

"They said to text them when we're down there. They're on the water now, but they'll come pick us up at the docks."

"Okay." Sounds great, champ. Absolutely smashing.

"You okay?" I hear laughter in his voice. Wow, is it really so funny, Ash? I know. It's so adorable how nervous I am around boys.

"Yes. Shut up."

His mental laughter becomes physical and I can't help but join in a bit, even if my laughter is purely nervousness.

We soon turn down a road before we head into the main part of the park. Dually isn't very big but it is one of the nicest lakes we have within a few-hours distance. Mostly everyone from Growers comes here. I think it has only one bar called The Lodge where, of course, everyone goes to get piled if there isn't a cabin party somewhere down the road. I remember in high school everyone would come down here to party in the summer. I heard all about the crazy nights at Rhys's cabin all the time while I was staying home by myself. It's not as if I couldn't go to those parties, I just never wanted to. I didn't like those people, and I was much more of a homebody anyway. I would still come to Dually, though. I would just come with family or with Ronnie.