finding you

seventy six

The smell of a fresh latte fills the air. For a moment, everything is okay. I may not be awake yet, but everything is okay. My body doesn't hurt. I'm floating in peaceful darkness- and I smell coffee. Everything is okay. It's okay.

"Theo."

It will be okay.

"Theo, wake up."

I allow my eyes to slowly open. I quickly shut them again when I see light. I want to go back to my darkness. My peaceful darkness.

"Theo, come on. I made you a latte."

I open one eye. Tentatively, I move my head so I can see who's speaking. Nial sits at the end of my bed, cupping the steaming mug.

"Nial?" I croak. My voice... it's barely there. Jeez.

I'm about to speak again but my eyes go back to the mug. That's for me, right? I sit myself up, wincing. For some reason my whole body hurts. I feel awful. I grab the mug from his hands and lean back against the headboard, tasting the divinity of a simple homemade latte.

Our eyes meet and immediately the events of last night come rushing back to me. I can feel myself emptying. I already felt empty before. How empty can one person get?

"Theo," Nial starts. My eyes snap back to him. He sighs and scoots a tad closer to me. I eye his movement with caution. I don't want him close to me. He seems to notice and scoots further back than what he originally was. "I want you to listen to me."

"Listen to what?" I narrow my eyes. "You're his best friend. You knew, didn't you. Everything Brooke said was true."

"No, she wasn't being totally honest, Theo. It wasn't like that."

"Yeah, that's what Rhys said. But it was like something, wasn't it."

He just sighs and rubs his face with his hands. "Rhys had a fucked-up childhood. Like, no kid should have gone through what he has."

"Nial, I swear if you're trying to make excuses for what he-"

"I'm not but you need to hear the whole story before you completely judge him. Theo, I know what he did. But you need to understand-"

"I already know about his mom. So, if that's what you're going to tell me then save it. It's a horrible thing but it doesn't give you a free pass."

Nial looks surprised for a moment. He stays silent, looking down at his hands. Finally, he speaks but it's quiet. "I'm very surprised he told you about that. That's something he doesn't talk about, and I mean never. But, Theo, there's a lot more to it than that."

I sigh. "I know that, Nial. I know there's more going on- especially with his brother."

"Do you, though? Because if all he told you was that his mother killed herself than you really have no idea. What happened with Salis was never a one-time thing."

"Nial, stop. I'm sorry for whatever happened to him. I really am. I just... I don't want to feel bad for him right now. I can't..."

"Theo, I'm going to tell you something. I'm going to tell you something and then leave you alone. I'm not going to try and convince you of anything. I just want you to have all the information."

I don't respond. Instead, I sip my coffee and look away. I don't try to stop him, though.

"Rhys didn't know you, really. He knew who you were, and he knew your name. He was angry in high school- like his mental state was really fucked-up at the time."

You don't say. I decide not to comment that out loud, though.

"There was rumor that someone started. I have no idea where it came from, but obviously it was from someone who was digging into the Collinses. He freaked out. But, Theo, it was about something more than just the rumor. He didn't want people to dig further and find out more."

I roll my eyes. "It was a rumor at the end of the day, Nial. He's Rhys. I'm sure he could have figured out who started it and set them straight."

"It wasn't about that. It was about the people who asked questions and who would ask questions. The more people are interested, the more people will look for answers, and it was such a random rumor that it would only spark curiosity. The Collinses have always been private. People would think they have something to hide."

"I don't understand. So that makes it okay for my privacy to be exposed rather than his?"

"No, it doesn't. He was trying to protect his mother, Theo. It was a fucked-up way, but he was trying to protect her and his brother."

I'm about to look away but I stop. "What? Salis?"

He nods warily at me, as if he's having an internal debate whether or not to speak more about it. If he's smart, he will tell me.

I continue to look at him. I think this is the first time I'm actually seeing Nial look emotional.

"Rhys's dad hated Salis. I grew up watching this- watching the way he would treat him. It was never that bad before his mom died but when she did, it was like a whole new level."

"Rhys did say that his dad never saw Salis as his own..." I say quietly.

Nial nods. "He doesn't... because he isn't."

"What?" I can feel myself sit up a little straighter, more attentive. "What do you mean?"

He's silent again. I can tell that whatever he's about to say is going to change things. He opens his mouth to speak, hesitating. This is hard for him. "Salis was born out of rape, Theo. Rhys's mom was violently attacked... it fucked her up in more ways than one. Rhys's dad never saw Salis as more than a reminder of the people that did this to her." Oh my God.

"People?" I gasp. "There was more than one?"

"There was at least three men, that I know of."

I'm horrified. My stomach twists in the worst possible way. What am I supposed to do with this information?

"They took his wife from him- the woman he loved, and he couldn't save her. He couldn't protect his own wife, and she was never the same after that. When she killed herself, I swear that he fucking blamed Salis for it. It turned him into a cruel man. He was awful, Theo, and not only to Salis. He was awful to everyone after that. He's still hurting. I think he's just too far gone, honestly."

I don't know what to do with this information. I don't even know how to react. This hurts. This really hurts. The emptiness that I feel just feels heavy now. It's more noticeable than ever. Why must I be here? Why must this happen to me? I turn to look out the window across the room. It's raining. How apt.

"Rhys didn't want people finding that out and talking. He wouldn't be able to deal with it. If people found that out about Salis... I don't think it would take a full day before Salis would follow in his mother's footsteps." Nial stops to breathe. He lets a few beats pass before talking again. "Rhys has spent the majority of his life living in the anxiety of waking up every day, wondering whether or not his brother is alive. Salis can't take much. He's barely living as it is. As much as Salis wasn't that present in Rhys's life, he's still his brother. Rhys loves that guy. Salis is the only family he has left, and he's barely hanging on."