finding you

fifty seven

I'm sitting in a bathroom stall and I can't stop crying. I have to hold my breath every time I hear the door open. So many girls are coming in and out, laughing and talking about everything. How are they so happy?

I feel sick to the stomach at the thought of going to class and facing anybody. Hot tears re-soak my already sticky face. 

Why does everybody hate me? Even Ronnie. She's supposed to be with me, but she's left me, too. I don't have anyone. 

I want to go home. I just want to be gone. 

Slowly and cautiously, when I believe the coast is clear, I leave the stall. I carefully pat my face down with a paper towel. I don't want people to see that I've been crying, but my face is red and  my eyes are swollen. I wish the tears would just stop already. 

After a minute, I leave the bathroom. Everybody is in class, so for the most part, the halls are empty. I make my way to the girls' locker room in the gymnasium. I have to get my house keys. If only I had passed the drivers exam last month, I would already be driving right now. Then I would be able to drive away whenever I wanted. 

I reach the locker room and  breathe a sigh of relief when I realize there's nobody in here. I'm alone, thank God. Perhaps I can even make it out of the school without running into anybody. 

I open my lock and retrieve my keys, but when I turn around I hear footsteps. My heart sinks. 

Brooke turns the corner. 

My eyes immediately hit the floor. Just don't look at her and maybe she'll leave you alone. 

"Oh my God. Britt! Get in here!" She yells behind her and stops me in my tracks. I have no choice but to look up at her.

She gives me a once over, smirking like the proud bitch she is.

"I wanna see them."

"W-what?"

"You're wrists. I want to see you're fucking slit up wrists."

Silence fills the room and I can't speak. 

Brittany suddenly appears beside her with an excited expression. She covers her mouth with her hand, trying to stifle a laugh. 

Am I really that much of a joke?

"Please, just leave me alone," I say. I wish my voice wasn't so shaky. I wish I could sound like I wasn't afraid. "Please, Brooke."

"No way. I need to see them."

"No!" I gasp, absolutely horrified that this is happening right now. My tears are back and I know they can see them. I already look like I've been crying; it wasn't like it was a secret. 

"Show me you're wrists. The fact that you won't show me already proves it. I've always known you're a freak," she laughs. She laughs at me. 

Why do I deserve this? 

I don't get to respond because she lunges out at me trying to grab my wrists. I immediately dodge her and attempt to run out of there. If I scream, will anyone even hear?

"You fucking whore. Show me!" She screams. 

The fear I had inside me intensifies. I'm scared suddenly for my life.

Suddenly, I feel her claws wrap around my arm yanking me backwards. I feel my legs suddenly give out and I'm pushed to the ground. I immediately start to claw back. I grab her hair and she screams, grabbing hold of my head and slamming it down against the cold hard floor. 

Everything goes dark for a second and my vision is blurred. I hear Brooke yelling at Brittany to help her hold me down. It takes me a moment to regain my focus and I begin thrashing out. Brittany holds my arms down but I start to scream. I'm panicking. I can't move. Are they going to kill me?

Brooke covers my mouth with her hand. I try to bite but she is squeezing me too hard. She presses her knee down on my chest and I cry out in pain. 

I can't get out. I can't get out of this. 

Using her free hand, Brooke reaches down and pulls up my sweater sleeves. "Quick, Britt pass me her keys." She motions to my keys I had dropped on the floor. I try to scream again. 

"What are you doing? Brooke-"

"Shut up!"

Please, God. Please, no.

It all happens in a few seconds, but it's endless to me. Pain. It's excruciating. I can feel myself open. My screams are being muffled. Nobody is going to help me. I don't think anybody would care enough to. 

I end up giving in and stop fighting back, so I just lie there and allow them to defile me. I can't help but hope they cut deep enough.

I can't live this life anymore. It's too hard. It hurts too much.

It ends after awhile, and I just lie there- for I don't know how long.

They ran off immediately after, leaving me there- in my own blood.

My wrists... it's too late now. 

It's too late. 

Now the rumours are true.