finding you

nineteen

"Another one. No. Theo, down it. DOWN IT, NOW."

My fingers wrap around the rather large shot glass filled with golden tequila. The taste from the previous shot is still burning in my esophagus. Plus, I literally just finished coughing. I am such a wimp when it comes to alcohol. 

What he actual heck am I doing.

Last time I got this drunk, really bad things happened. Terrifying things that made me never want to take another sip again. But yet, here I am. Although this time seems less scary because I am drinking on my terms. Plus, I know where the alcohol is coming from. When I leave this house, I will not drink anymore so I might as well get as drunk as I can right now!

"Okay, so you are the worst peer pressure-er person." 

I snicker at my slurred words. Oh my gosh, so I am pretty drunk it seems.

"Yes. I am, you drunk bitch. Now come on!" 

Ron slams her fist down dramatically on the table before lifting it back up to lick the back of her hand. I watch as she pours the salt on her wrist and eyes me up, waiting for me to do it, too. 

I roll my eyes but oblige. I am having fun. This is the most I've felt relaxed since being home, and I for sure don't want to lose this feeling. 

I lift the glass to my lips, mirroring Ronnie's actions. Together we tilt our heads back, allowing the warm liquid invade our throats once again. The burning seems worse this time, even with the lime to diminish the pain. I scrunch my entire face and close my eyes, feeling the burning sensation rise up to my head.

"God." I sputter, shaking my head. "I think that-that has got to be it. The last one."

"You're such a cheap drunk. It's so funny." 

"Maybe. But isn't that, like, better than costing a lot of money?"

"Oh my God." Ron snorts, bringing her hand up to cover her mouth. "But yes, I see your point. I think it is better. Honestly though, isn't this like your first time being drunk?"

"No!" Yes. Maybe? Last time didn't count.

We both laugh our most ugly laughs at each other, and for the first time in a long time, it feels just like old times. The good part of the old times.

"Okay, so can you believe Ashton is ignoring me and, like, going out to the lake with the guys without telling me? I hate him! He's being such an asshole!"

My heart sinks a little at the mention of the lake.

She doesn't know I went. Oh my gosh, she would be so mad at me if she found out. Oh my gosh, what if someone tells her? 

Intoxicated anxiety erupts in me everywhere. Shit.

"Oh really? That is... so shady of him. Why is he being like this?" I take a breath, wondering if I sounded at all too fake. "You need to talk to him, Ron."

Ugh, I feel awful. Me and Ron just got good again and here I am lying to her face.

"I know. But I'm just so mad. Like so mad. And drunk. And mad. And what if he's at the party? What kind of girlfriend doesn't know if her boyfriend's going to be at the same party as her?"

I think Ron almost chokes on her own breath. She takes a big breath and takes a swig from the tequila bottle. Oh boy.

"Please don't be an emotional drunk tonight, Ron. Please! Lets try and not think about boys at all tonight and just have fun! Me and you!" I say, trying to sound as excited as I can at the moment.