finding you

sixty three

"You never told anyone about this then." Rhys's voice is quiet.

Hmm, I was waiting for him to say something like that. That's the one thing he was probably wanting to say. I don't think he understands why I spent majority of my childhood keeping quiet. I can tell he has a hard time with it. Rhys has always been confident and vocal. I still remember him the way he would talk to the teachers; like he had every right to speak his mind. Even at such a young age. I always envied that.

He's still holding me. We're still cuddling each other in my truck. The night is just too beautiful that I don't think either of us want it to end.

"I know you don't understand... but I know this is why I didn't speak up in high school; with what happened with Brooke. I was terrified... I guess I stayed quiet then and never stopped. Obviously." I frown. I can feel myself sink into this moment of realization. I've always hated being called quiet- this is why, because I always was. I always stayed quiet.

"Nobody knows? Not even your parents?"

I don't respond. My silence is answer enough for him.

"Theo..."

"Please. Please just allow me to tell one person and not have them say anything about it. I just wanted you to hear me. I wanted you to know, because... I don't want you to walk away without you knowing why," I say, honestly. I sigh and nestle my head deeper in his neck. "I don't mean for you to feel obligated in anyway... I just trust you to know. I don't know why."

I feel him sigh, my head going up and down with his chest. I don't want to look at him right now. His hand rubs my back and I close my eyes, savoring the feeling.

"I'm glad you told me. I'm just having a hard time processing it is all. I feel helpless," he says.

"Why? Don't."

"I don't know what to think or say, Theo. This is disturbing to me. I can't believe you've been holding onto this alone..." He doesn't say anything for a couple minutes. "Where is he?"

"What?"

"Lyle."

"I don't know. On drugs somewhere, probably. My parents tried to help him for a while... but they haven't spoken to him in years. He could be dead."

I feel Rhys's body tense even more. He's trying to stay calm for me, but I can tell that this bothers him a lot. To be honest, I'm not completely sure why. It's a horrible thing that happened to me... but it's almost like he's being triggered.

I lift my head slightly and cup his face, looking into his beautifully troubled eyes. "Are you okay?"

He stares at me for a moment before giving me a small smile. "Not at all."

"I think your brother knew him. Lyle," I suddenly say out of nowhere.

His reaction is slightly startling to me, as if it were something he already knew. "I think I knew that," he quietly says. He lifts a hand and strokes the side of my face. "I don't know him now or anything, don't get me wrong; but I think I remember Salis hanging out with a friend... I was young, though. I never was around them... are you okay?"

Am I okay? Is it okay that Rhys potentially knows who Lyle is? If I didn't bring up Salis, would he have at anytime?

I swallow hard, and only the feeling of Rhys's thumb stroking my bottom lip brings me out of my momentary fog.

"I'm... I'm sorry, Theo. This is incredibly uncomfortable for me. I don't know what the right thing to say is."

"I-I'm sorry." I suddenly feel anxious. Maybe telling him was the wrong thing to do. Maybe this freaked him out too much and he wants to leave. Maybe I should leave him. "Do you want to go?"