finding you

seven

I somehow made it to my bed. I don't really remember how, but I did. I also don't remember falling asleep, but I did.

I reach for my phone. After a minute of feeling around, I find it buried beneath one of my blankets.

Five o'clock in the evening? I slept for at least 3 hours. I throw my phone to the end of my bed and rub a hand over my face. I feel horrible, sick and weak. I groan as I shift on my side and close my eyes, smothering my face with my pillow.

Dad is going to be home soon. I need to get myself together. I can't get up, though. I just want to lay here. I hear my phone buzz, yet I can't seem to get myself to reach for it. I just lay in complete silence for a few minutes more before letting sleep claim me for the second time today.

**

"Hun?"

Slowly I open my eyes to a blurry depiction of a chubby man with my dad's voice standing over me. I don't even think I'm awake right now. I think this might be a dream...

"Theo."

The blur softens into a clearer depiction of my dad. I blink a few more times before I turn my head to scan the room. My room. I was sleeping. Again. Ugh, and I feel absolutely wrecked.

"Theo!" Bringing me out of my daze, I look to face my dad that has concern etched all over his face.

"Hey Pops," I say, my voice scratchy and barely audible. I need to convince him that I'm okay.

"What's wrong, Hun? Why are you in bed?"

"Yeah. Not feeling the greatest. I just have a really bad headache...sorry, Dad."

The thing with my dad is he doesn't hover. He doesn't pry. Which makes it easy for me to lie and/or not tell anything to. My mom hovers a lot more but it's still easy for me not to talk to her. I am pretty good at hiding things.

"Oh don't be sorry, Hun."

He's so kind. So harmless. Too good. I don't deserve him.

A sudden struggle to keep tears from falling overcomes me and I turn away. I can't let him see that I am hurting. I won't. I will not put that on him.

"There are leftover steaks in the fridge if you feel hungry later. I can warm something up for you now if you'd like?"

"That's okay, dad. I don't think I'll be able to eat tonight." I still don't meet his gaze. I bury my head deeper into my pillow and shut my eyes, trying to prevent myself from crying.

"Are you sure? Do you want some tea?"

He needs to leave. Now.

Why are you so nice to me? Why do you love me?

I feel a tear fall through my closed eyes. My pillow will catch it and he won't even see.

"No, thanks Dad but I'm just going to go to sleep. I really don't feel good."

He stays silent for a moment before I hear footsteps come towards me. I shut my eyes tighter and bury my face more into the pillow as I feel him come closer. After a kiss on my head, he brushes my cheek with his fingers and breathes out a sigh.

"Okay," he says. "I love you. Goodnight."

After a few moments of silence, I hear him walk away. Only until I hear the door shut and his footsteps upstairs, do I let myself break again.

Sleep will eventually claim me, just as soon as I can breathe.

*

A rapid buzzing wakes me. I roll myself over, trying to hold onto the night as long as I can. I hear my phone buzz again and groan way too dramatically. I rip the covers off with a dramatic effect and sit up in my bed. The morning light is shining through the large basement window and I can't help but feel a little good about it. It's amazing how much difference a little sunshine can make. It feels like a new day and I can tell it is still early enough that the day has barely started. I got more than enough hours of sleep yesterday so I can't help but feel a tad bit refreshed. Maybe I can forget completely about yesterday and not let it affect me. It was mostly all a blur anyway.