finding you

thirty six

She killed herself.

His words seem to hang in the air above us. Neither of us speak. I can feel his eyes on me, though. He's watching me--trying to study my reaction.

But I don't even have a reaction yet... do I?

I was not expecting him to say that.

All of the times Rhys talked about his mom suddenly come flooding back to me. Memory after memory.

You remind me of her. My mom was like that. That happened to her, too.

My mind is on a racetrack and I've completely lost control of it. I don't even realize Rhys is gripping my side until I feel his touch on my cheek. His fingers lightly graze the side of my face, gently turning me to look at him.

His eyes are absolutely blazing into me. He has such a frightened expression but I don't really know why. Because of me? Because he's remembering her?

I open my mouth to say something but I close it again after a few seconds. I honestly don't know what to say.

I remind him of his mother... his mother who committed suicide.

"Listen to me." His voice suddenly turns hard and I have no choice but to give him my full attention. "I shouldn't have brought her up the way I did all those times without telling you this first."

I want to tell him that's not why I'm speechless. I'm speechless because that's horrible thing he had to go through. It's a horrible thing she did to her family... to herself.

And I remind him of that?

I'm not denying my issues. I honestly understand that kind of pain. I've said things... done things  that have harmed both myself and my family.

I just feel like I have overcome a lot of it, and being told by someone that you remind them of the most disturbing part of their life makes you think twice about how much you've actually changed.

"Theo."

Rhys said he didn't even remember me in school. How could he have gotten that impression from just hanging out with me for a few weeks? From my panic attacks? So many people get panic attacks!

"Theo. I said to look at me."

I didn't even realize I was zoned out on the wall behind him. My eyes slowly flicker back to him. I'm still laying on him but I am not holding onto him like I was a few minutes ago. Slowly I start to remove my arm from his stomach but he suddenly grabs my wrist in a tight grip. I almost fight it but the pained look on his face stops me.

"I know what your thinking and you need to stop. Fuck... please don't think that I think of you in that way. You've had a couple panic attacks. Yeah, so did my mom. So do... nevermind--that's not the point. I miss my mom, Theo. I loved my mom. She wasn't a dark person regardless of what happened. She was a happy person. She loved life. It got her excited. People loved her so much. She was the funniest and friendliest person I knew. She was incredible, Theo. That is who you remind me of."

He squeezes me side before speaking again. His eyes are glossy and I feel a pained tug at my chest. I can feel my eyes start to burn.

"She was hurting... like all of us do sometimes. Her head just hurt her so much. She was so strong to accomplish all that she did with the pain that she had. She lived a long time with that pain." A few beats of silence go by and he meets my eyes for a second. "Mental illness is too fucked up. I don't hate her for what she did."