finding you

forty eight

I move over to my side so I am facing away from him. I'm breathing heavy and I can feel my forehead brimming with sweat. 

I can't believe that just happened- that I just did that.

My high is gone as quickly has it came and I can feel myself sink lower than I was before. I feel uncomfortable. I feel dirty. I shouldn't have done that. I wanted to... but how come it feels so wrong? The feelings of my messed up thoughts are making my head go crazy. It's a fog that I can't seem to shake. Why am I like this? Nobody else is like this. 

"Theo...? Are you okay?" 

His voice is cautious. I know he's wondering if something's wrong with me. I'm not turned away from him. I just need quiet. I need to be alone.

"Theo, please talk to me."

"I'm fine." I breathe out, momentarily shutting my eyes.

"How come you won't look at me?"I feel his hand gently touch my waist and it makes me want to pull away. "Hey, hey, hey..." 

He gently grasps my shoulder and attempts to turn me over to which I pull away. 

"Talk to me." He says again and leans up so he's on his elbow looking down at me. I hear him exhale before saying, "Are you... was that... your first time having...?"

I close my eyes tightly in a cringe. I'm embarrassed but I'm mostly just reeling with every emotion in the book right now. I'm just glad he didn't say the word 'orgasm'. 

"I-I..." I don't know if I'm able to speak right now. I'm still trying to understand why I feel the way I do about it. 

"Why are you being so closed off right now? I thought... I thought you wanted... fuck, was that not okay? Theo, I-I..."

I turn over to finally face him. I'm not about to let this boy think this was his fault when I basically forced myself on him. "I wanted you to. I did, Rhys. This isn't about that. This has nothing to do with you. I think I'm going to go, though... I need to go- "

"What? No! No, no, don't go. Why would you go? Theo, please help me understand. I'm sorry about last night. God, can't we please talk about it first? Please don't go yet."

I inhale and breathe it out slowly, looking down. I don't want to look at his face. He looks so confused. I suck at this. I don't know how to explain to him that I'm a mess- that I'm not okay, and I don't think I will ever be. "I'm tired, Rhys. I don't want to talk right now."

He squeezes my shoulder. Soon he lifts my chin so I'm forced to look at him. 

"Theo, I really care for you despite all the shit I said last night."

"Do you even remember what you said last night?"

He hesitates and looks away for a moment. "I remember enough," he finally says. He looks sad. He looks like someone who has endured a lot... I'm finally seeing it now. My whole life I thought Rhys Collins was someone who didn't deserve the life he had- it being so faultless and easy. I thought he was someone who has never experienced anything in his life. But here I am, seeing him now for what seems like the first time. 

"Can I ask you something?"

"Yes."

"You seemed angry at me last night... or rather with your mom. But you called me out for trying to be like her. I just... I don't understand what I did, Rhys. It hurt my feelings."

His eyes lower into a sad haze. He looks distressed and bothered like he's realizing something truly awful. "I don't know. Theo, I was fucked up. Everything about yesterday was fucked up. I just mean- it's not an excuse but I just mean I wasn't thinking normally. It freaked me out. When I woke up in this bed last night without you and I realized what happened- what I did... Theo, I've never felt that awful in my life. I wasn't even thinking about Salis... all I could think about was you. I'm so sorry. You did nothing- absolutely nothing." His hand grips my side and he slides it so it's wrapped around my back. He begins to gently trace his fingers along my back and up to my neck. "I'm sorry for the other thing, too."