finding you

sixty two

I can't handle this anymore.

"Please, Rhys, just touch me," I plea. My breaths are heavy and wavered. I'm starting to tremble from nervousness but in no way do I want him to stop. "Please."

He doesn't wait any longer before slipping a finger inside me. I had no idea what I was expecting, but the feeling surpasses everything I ever thought about it. I thought I would be scared of this; of him. He's coming off so aggressive that it should frighten me, but it does the opposite. I want him to possess me, to control me.

I want this; and that fact alone is what's empowering me.

Nobody is stealing this from me. I'm taking this moment for myself. I have the power here.

His movements are rhythmed and practiced. He has the knowledge of what to do here and he's letting me not forget that.

I pull his hair to the side and tuck my face into his neck. I don't want him to see me.

"Let me see your face," he demands softly. "I want to see you."

No way. I just shake my head against him and remain tucked under his head. I feel him chuckle a little bit, but he doesn't slow down his rhythm at all.

"Baby, it's okay. I'm here. You can fall and I'll be right here to catch you," he coos in my ear, and I can feel the tension inside me reaching a whole new level.

It's going to happen again. I wrap my arms tightly around him and when I feel myself reach the very edge, I clamp my teeth down on the side of his neck. He gasps audibly, but I think it's from surprise not pain. I brace myself and suddenly I'm falling, the waves of pleasure pulsing through me are overpowering and almost too much. It's pure heaven. I can't explain it. Holy hell. Orgasms are fun.

He just holds me for minute or so, allowing me to catch my breath. I move myself slightly and that's when I notice the enormous elephant in the room. His elephant. Oh. Oops.

His erection is stabbing against my inner thigh. I feel all the compulsion in the world to laugh but I try to hold myself together. He pulls me back a bit so he can see my face.

"Don't look at me," I whisper against his chest.

"Baby," he laughs. "You're beautiful. You're... incredible. Holy fuck."

I awkwardly maneuver myself so I can shoot him a glare of confusion. He smiles down at me.

"I wasn't expecting that... I..." He seems still a bit flustered and it causes me to giggle. Well, no shit, Theo, he has a full-on boner right now.

"I can, er, feel you. Did you want me to..." My voice tapers off and I notice his expression change.

"No, don't. I'm fine, Theo. I'm more than fine. I can handle a night of blue balls. Only for you, of course." He winks.

I still feel weird. I feel like I should do something to him now. The idea doesn't worry as much as I thought it would; however, I'm still uncomfortable with that. I suddenly feel obligated and something in my stomach sickens.

I think he notices my sudden demeanor change because suddenly his hand is grasping the side of my face. "Hey, it's not that I wouldn't want you to. That's not it at all..." His thumb strokes my cheek in a soothing way, and I look up at him.

"I-I want to Rhys, but..."

"Shh... it's okay, baby. It's okay to not be ready for that yet. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that. This was a lot of fun for me. Just this right here is enough for me."

I don't say anything but just look at him with a slightly raised eyebrow.

"Sitting here with you, Theo. That's enough for me."

"How can you say that... you must miss it... sex." I say it so quietly I'm not even sure he heard me.

He sighs after a moment and I know he heard me.

"Theo, I'm not some kind of caveman. I can go without it for a while. If you can believe that," he adds, giving me a look.

I roll my eyes at him and bring my lips down to his. I plant a soft, chaste kiss on his lips. His hands wrap around me to bring me closer to him once again.

"That being said," he says, suddenly. "It's a lot less painful to come down from blue balls if we're not making out."

"Oh," I say. My face turns red and he laughs. "Sorry."

He squeezes my side and I allow myself to just rest against him. The stars are glorious tonight. I stare at them while listening to the heartbeat of Rhys. We sit there for a while in silence. The sound of crickets and cicadas fill the night; it's pure blissfulness. I silently pray for this night to never end.

We sit like this for several minutes, his hand gently going up and down my back gently, stroking, soothing me. Suddenly, I find myself feeling verbose. 

I want to tell him.

"When I was eleven," I say, my voice sounding quiet in the night sky. "My family took in a child. It was like fostering, but more unofficial because he was seventeen at the time. He was too close to aging out. My family knew his parents. They used to be close. I guess they felt kind of obligated to help them. I'm not sure. Anyway, he lived with us for over a year. H-he became very close to me. I thought of him as my big brother. I went to school everyday excited to talk about my new big brother." I smile at the memory. Rhys has slowed his movement with his hand on my back considerably, but he doesn't quite stop. He's listening. 

I continue, taking a deep breath. "I-It's not something I plan to talk about much. But it's something I want you to know. I want you to know why... I have a difficult time being close... with you."

There's a long moment of silence before I hear him say, "okay."

"Lyle had problems. I think he was depressed; I don't know. It's weird, though, because he was hilarious. He was effortlessly the clown in any situation. He was insane. But he still hurt, I guess..." I breathe in again, giving myself a moment. I feel Rhys reassure me by hugging me tighter. "I was eleven. I didn't know what was going on. It started out so subtle... so small. We used to play fight. H-he used play fighting as some kind of way to... to..." I stop myself. Maybe I shouldn't be talking about this. It feels so good to be talking right now, though, I don't want to stop.

"He used to get himself off," I finally say.

Rhys immediately tenses; his breathing stopping. I have no way to see what his face is like now. I don't think I want to see his face right now. I focus my attention on the moon shining in the night sky. I don't think Rhys was expecting me to say that.

"He would hold me down. He would make me wear these- these tights. He would make me... do things. I thought it was strange when he started taking off his pants to fight me. It was more than that, though. He had these manic episodes where he would just get angry. He'd get so angry he'd hit me. He would do so many things; I just didn't know where this was all coming from. H-he just went crazy sometimes."

Rhys's breathing is changed. It's not settled. It's slow but stressed.

"I... was eleven," I repeat. "I didn't know what was starting to happen to me. I didn't know until he was already gone... I have issues around men. I've always had a hard time since then... I don't think you realize how big it is for me to let you touch me."

"Theo," Rhys gasps, suddenly. "I'm so sorry. I'm so fucking sorry. I shouldn't have-"

"No," I say, quickly, lifting my head so we're eye to eye. He looks incredibly distressed. "I'm saying that I want you to touch me. I trust you, Rhys. I'm saying it's a huge deal to me that I want you to."

Our eyes meet in a way they haven't yet. They soften the longer they look at me. Suddenly his hands reach up to hold my face. "I'm still sorry."

"Don't be," is all I say.

He sighs and pulls me against him for the hundredth time tonight.