finding you

forty seven

I'm laying on the couch in pitch darkness just staring up at the ceiling. It's probably around midnight. I'm dead tired but I can't seem to fall asleep. I checked on Rhys a few times to make sure he was still breathing. He would be snoring then suddenly stop and it would be just silence for a while which scared me so I checked on him. I got in the habit of doing it on the hour. I guess that's part of my anxiety, thinking he's going to die or something.

I haven't touched my phone. I've just been thinking. Replaying everything in my mind. It's crazy how everything was so good a week ago. It has done a complete 180 since then. I sigh and turn myself over so my face is against the couch cushion. I close my eyes and attempt to sleep one more time. 

I don't know if I fell asleep or not but suddenly my eyes flutter open and I'm awake and alert. I hear a noise and I quickly turn my head around to look. 

Rhys is standing over me, causing me to instantly recoil. For a brief moment, I'm scared. I know he wouldn't physically hurt me, but what if he's still very drunk and tries to do something. My mind relaxes a bit when I see him step back.

"I'm sorry." He says. "I didn't mean to scare you. I won't touch you."

I look up at him. I can't see his face but I can sort of make out his eyes. His frame is also outlined perfectly in the dark so it's not like I wouldn't know where he was. 

"Theo?" His voice is a whisper. Raspy. It's a sound that has me momentarily distracted. He kneels down so he's close to me. However, he doesn't touch me. "I-I know the things I've said to you. I..."

His voice cracks and I immediately feel myself brimming with tears again. I'm still full of the emotions I felt tonight. It's not going to take much to have me break again. 

"Theo... I can't forgive myself for this. Not this- this was..." 

I know he's hurting right now. The things he said can be talked about in the morning. I can't allow himself to break in front of me. He sounds dreadful. I can't let him feel this way right now. I know him. I know he's a good person. I know he truly would never intend to hurt me. He needs to know it's okay. He needs to know I'm okay.

I hesitantly reach out for him. My fingers touch his neck and I slowly pull him in closer. His breathing is ragged like he's been crying, or about to. 

"Theo." He grabs my hand from his neck and pulls it down into his lap. He squeezes it and looks down at it.

At this moment, I push everything out of my head. I ignore all of the shouting in my head telling me to walk away from him- telling me to let him feel bad. I can't do that. I get up off of the couch and settle myself on him. He leans back so I'm able to sit on his lap. I wrap my arms around his neck so I'm just holding him. He's incredibly tense. I know he probably wasn't expecting this from me. 

"It's okay," I say, letting my fingers gently scratch the back of his neck in a soothing way. 

He then embraces me back, fully. His strong arms wrap around me so he's holding me. His face nestles into my neck. He's still breathing heavy. I try to soothe him by just whispering, "It's okay, it's okay..." over and over. He's shaking. I don't know if he's crying or not. I think he's just overwhelmed by everything. He almost lost his brother. Of course, he's not okay.

"It's not okay." He breathes into my neck. It's a whisper but it sounds like he's gasping for air. It tears at my heart and a tear escapes down my cheek. "It's not okay."

"Shh." I hold him tighter and rest my head against his. My neck moistens and I know he's crying. He's doing a good job keeping it together, though. Way better than any of my freakouts have been.