finding you

fifty five

I have one leg off the bed before a strong arm wraps around mine. "Where are you going?"

I don't respond. I just pull my body out of his hold. I'm free for a moment but am soon brought back onto the bed when both of his hands grab me to haul me back. 

"Look at me." He tries to spin me around to face him but I do my damn best to keep that from happening. "Hey, Theo. Theo?"

A hot heavy tear falls down my face followed by another. I just shake my head. I'm embarrassed. I'm so embarrassed. I want to tell him I didn't mean what I said. I want to tell him everything so that he could just understand. I wish I wasn't this way. I wish I could be something for him. I really am just too fucked up.

"Theo, fucking hell. I'm sorry. Just please stop trying to get away." 

I'm still facing away from him but I've stopped struggling. There's a long moment of silence accompanied by a few of my sniffles before he speaks again.

"Theo, I'm sorry I snapped at you. I just got a little freaked out when you said that thing about Brooke. That's my problem- my fucking insecurities, okay? Not you. Nothing is wrong with you." 

I don't do anything except stare at the bedroom door across the room. I'm trying my hardest to calm down- to convince myself that he doesn't hate me. But right now, the whole room is closing in and I feel sick to my stomach. I hate everything inside of me right now. I can't be here. I don't know if it's the alcohol or the anxiety- or both- but I have to get away from him. 

I'm going to be sick.

I'm able to easily pull myself out of Rhys's hold and I stumble out of the door without looking back. I can hear him get up to follow behind me but I make it to the hallway before he does. I find the bathroom and attempt to close the door before basically throwing myself onto the floor. The toilet lid is thankfully already open otherwise I don't think I would have made it in the bowl. 

Just when this night couldn't get any worse. It's like I couldn't possibly be embarrassed enough by what happened just before. But no, here I am, absolutely losing everything I had in my stomach into the toilet bowl- which happens to not be that much. I didn't really eat today. Instead, I'm mostly just drive heaving with the exception of some fluids. 

I finally stop gagging after a few minutes. I managed to keep my hair out of the way so at least I have that going for me. Immediately let myself lay down on the floor. The cool tiles feel amazing on my skin and I close my eyes. They flutter open after only a moment when I feel a warm palm cup the side of my cheek. Rhys is crouched over me. His thumb is lightly grazing over the side of my face and down my chin. It's soothing and for a moment, I forget everything that just happened. "I'm s-sorry. I felt so yucky inside I had t-to." 

His face is blurred but I can still tell that his eyes are the gentle shade of blue that I adore. He just responds by shushing me and stroking my cheek. "It's okay, it's okay. Let's wash your face quickly and then we can go to bed."

"B-but, no. I can be left here. Leave me here, please. I want to stay on the floor."

"No, baby. I don't care if you're sick. You put up with my shit when I was drunk. I'm not leaving you."

I just groan in response. I can hear him mumble something about how I can be this drunk under his breath before scooping me up in his arms. I start to whine and he sits us both down so I'm curled up on his lap. We're both on the floor.

"Do you think you can stand for a minute? I just want to clean you up a bit. You're going to hate me in the morning if I didn't at least give you mouthwash."

"You don't want to sleep with a stinky girl, do you, Rhys Collins." I try to look up at him to snicker but I can't lift my head that far back. 

"I want to sleep with my girl. Stinky or not. That being said, we're in a bathroom and there are toothbrushes within grabbing distance. I'm not going to waste this timely opportunity."

I just moan an "mhm" and listen to him dig around in a few drawers before placing a couple of things in my lap. He still manages to keep me in his lap without having to move me.  Even in my current state, I'm having a hard time trying to avoid the butterflies that have suddenly come upon me. 

He called me his girl.

He called me his.

"Okay, try and stay awake for a few minutes longer. Then you can fall asleep, baby. Just wait a little bit longer for me."

I just lay there on his lap for the next five minutes as he gently wipes my face down with a wet cloth. I manage to get myself up to brush my teeth briefly, so at least he didn't have to figure that one out on his own. 

It's not long before I am suddenly wrapped up in his strong arms and back in his bed again. This time, though, it seems much comfier. The last thing I feel before falling asleep is Rhys's kisses on my head. Before I do, though, words leave my mouth before I even have a chance to stop them. 

"He hurt me... he hurt me over and over again. That's why I'm scared to be with you... because everything I know is scary."

"Theo, what are you talking about? Who?"

"It doesn't matter. He's gone... kind of."

I wake up feeling horrid. My head is pounding and my throat feels like sandpaper. I'm so parched I don't even think I'm able to conjure up any tears to cry about it. 

"Hey," a whisper comes from behind me and I almost jump out of my skin. A low chuckle soon relieves my anxiety. Rhys's body suddenly presses up behind me and wraps his arm around my stomach. "I'm afraid to ask how you're feeling."

"Yeah... no." 

He laughs again and I feel his lips gently press the top of my shoulder. "I really didn't think you were that drunk until we got home last night."

"I'm really embarrassed, Rhys." I keep my head looking forward and away from Rhys. I feel like I can't look at him right now even though I really don't remember last night. I remember taking shots at the bar and dancing with Kayden. I truly don't remember coming here, though. I do, however, remember basically jumping Rhys. That's why I'm embarrassed. He rejected me- for a good reason, of course. 

"Theo, I know. It's okay, though. You weren't any worse than I was when you took care of me. I guess I had to repay the favor somehow." He jokes but I don't laugh. He seems to notice my lack of mood and gently squeezes my side with his hand. "I'm not mad or anything. What are you remembering from last night?" 

"I don't know... me basically jumping you and you pushing me off." I try to say it with a light tone but it comes out exactly as I feel- ashamed. 

I hear him lightly laugh before kissing me lightly on the shoulder again. It gives me butterflies but I try to ignore them. "You were definitely... feeling confident. It's fine, though. Okay? Everyone has nights like this. I'm just glad I could be there to take care of you. Don't worry about it. And I didn't push you off. I just didn't want things to get too far. There was a definite line there that I couldn't cross."

"I know," I sigh. "Thank you... for not... whatever- you know."

"Theo, that wasn't a favor. I wasn't being polite."

I don't respond. Instead, I close my eyes and try to recall anything else from last night. I probably shouldn't try to. I should just forgive and forget. It's over and done with. I can't change a thing.

"Can I... ask you something? You don't have to talk about it. I'm just feeling a little uneasy with some things that were said last night."

My eyes open and I feel my heart speed up a bit. I'm nervous. What the hell did I say? What is he uneasy with? Oh my God, I threw up, didn't I? I threw up. Did I puke on him?

"Theo?"

"Okay." I hold my breath, waiting for his voice to break through the anxiety.

"You said you got hurt by someone... that you were afraid of me because of it. I'm just not understanding. I tried to ask you about it but you fell asleep. Are you really afraid of me?"

Oh no.