finding you

thirty four

"Theo?" Rhys's low whisper brings me back to the now. 

We've been laying in this bed like this for maybe an hour. We haven't said a word to each other. We're just here like this, neither of us making a move to do anything different. But now he speaks. Does he want to talk about this? I don't want to talk about what happened tonight. I'm already going to have to relive it a million times. I still feel a heavy sick feeling in my stomach. I just want to fall asleep like this... and not wake up to face tomorrow.

"Theo?" I feel his breath on my cheek as he speaks again.

I consider for a moment to just pretend that I'm asleep, but part of me wants to listen to what he has to say. "Hm?" I manage to get out, nudging him a little with my foot against his unintentionally. It shoots electricity up my body and I immediately become more awake. 

He lays still for a moment before talking. "After that day we spent together on the quad and stuff... Theo, that was the best day I've had in a long time. I was really happy you were there and... and I'm sorry if I confused you with how I acted afterward. I don't want you to think... Fuck, my head is so fucked, Theo."

I have no idea where he is going with this. I don't know the right thing to say right now. Why is he telling me this? I'm about to tell him I have no idea what he's talking about but that he did nothing wrong when he sighs and I know he's about to speak again.

"I got into a fight with my dad... it's not a fucking reason, I know. It's just sometimes he gets into my head. I deal with a lot of shit with him. I stopped talking to you because I was feeling sorry for myself. I-I... fuck I'm sorry." He's silent for a moment, and it's just the sound of our breaths. 

I need to say something. I need to ask what he means by all of this but I can't find my voice. 

"I guess I just see my dad be a certain way sometimes... and when I see him, I see me. I see what's my blood and what I am right in front of me. I swear he just fucks with my head. He's been through a lot, though. I just wish he'd be better now. Sometimes I feel like the way I was in high school. I felt numb back then and sometimes I still do. I was talking with Brooke again... I don't even fucking know why-- I promise I didn't touch her. But still, it was wrong of me. I'm not fucking good for you, Theo. I don't want to hurt you but I did. I hurt you so bad and seeing you hurt like that, Theo... fuck. I just... I couldn't let you walk away without me..."

I hear the last few words drift off somewhere in the air above us, leaving things unsaid. But the rest of what he said? My heartbeat somehow managed to stop and start back up again. I suddenly release a breath I didn't know I was holding. Letting a few moments of silence sit between us, I decide I need to see him. To look at him. I can hear the pain in his voice. I don't know what to even say to all of that. My heart is aching for him. Tears are pricking at my eyes again as I feel something come over me. I can feel the hurt in his words when he talked about his dad. I wasn't expecting this. I slowly maneuver my body around so I'm facing him. We're inches apart and I can see his eyes even though the room is pitch black. His hands are on my waist, seeming to hold me a little tighter than he was before. I open my mouth to speak, still unsure of the appropriate response. 

"I don't know what to say right now... but you don't owe me anything. It's not like we're together." I whisper honestly. Breathing in deeply, I speak again before he can. "Rhys, I had no idea... about any of this. Why is your dad like that?"

There's almost a minute of silence, signaling me to probably back off of the subject. But right when I'm about to tell him that I'm the fucked up one not him, he talks.

"I think after my mom... he just... struggled. He was angry and hurt. He wasn't always like this. It was easier for me with Salis around but he wasn't around for long. Even with three guys in the house, we all just felt like strangers to each other. My dad didn't talk to me... but he was harder on Salis. He only talked to Salis if it was critical or just plain abusive. Salis left as soon as he could. He left me."