The Status : Complicated

Status #28 --- Snapped Back Into...

"Hindi ako nabagok, nauntog, o kung anuman pero panahon na para tumingin sa katotoohanan. Oras na para magdesisyon kung saan lulugar ang pusong nasaktan, at kung saang sakit ang kayang tiisin panghabang-buhay. Truth hurts, but reality could kill. But if you just accept what your reality is, it wouldn't kill you but it will kill your sadness."

MIGGY'S POV

I've been texting Tito Simon while waiting for her, cuz I just can't stay still and I'm so tensed.

"Miggy, you're acting crazy. Man up, and stay calm. Remember the deal." his message says.

Minutes later of calming myself down, the door opens. And, oh good Lord, is this her already? My heart is jumping and I can't calm down again. I texted him again with shaky hands, "Sir tell her I miss her."
"Please update me Sir"
"I want to hear her voice again, please leave your phone hanging I'm going to call."

I'm texting like crazy and then when I stretch my neck to see her, she's alone. I want to approach her so bad, to hug her, and to kiss her.

Hindi ko alam kung kaya kong magpigil eh. I am about to stand up mabuti na lang tumawag na si Tito.

"Stop it, Miguel. Keep calm. Act natural, I can see you here para kang baliw, pinagpapawisan ka pa eh ang lamig lamig dito. Kumalma ka." he said authoritatively. I pull my handkerchief and I'm sweating like hell. "I'll end this call I'll dial your number later. And keep quiet. You crybaby."

Oh Lord, please help me handle myself. This is not the usual me, because the person I am seeing now is extraordinary; and my feelings for her is so extreme, I'm becoming crazy.

Nag-CR ako para maghilamos at kumalma nang konti, at agad din namang bumalik sa pwesto ko, I don't want to miss any second of this moment.

I texted him again, "Sir please, ano sinasabi niya?" and my phone rang, put the earphones on and quietly listening to her lovely voice.

I so missed her. I can't see her clearly but I just notice that she gain wait, that's a good sign of her, and also she's wearing eyeglasses now still beautiful though; but her voice is so sad. I can imagine her in front of me, just like the last time we talked, she's trying to be strong but crying inside. Dun ako nagkamali, I'm too late to notice that, so right at this moment I want to wipe those tears away and kiss her for comfort. I want to hug you so bad, Gayle, and kiss the top of your head just like I used to.

My thought was gone for a while reminiscing our old times. And so hearing her tell that story that no one us knew is just making me more guilty. I took you for granted, I'm so sorry. We are together the day before that and yet I didn't say a word about it.  I'm so stupid not to trust you; and didn't even bother to call you that night kahit pa na tapos na yung celebration namin after the event, and I had a time to call you but I did not because I am confident, so confident, that I could see you around the university the next day. And I am stupid enough to wait three days to get to you. I'm sorry, but nonetheless, I still want you to forgive me and I'll do everything, whatever it takes to do so.

I am feeling so guilty and sorry for myself and for us that I can not take it in anymore, I might run towards her. So I just ended the call and type in a message, "I'll be going first, sir. Thank you for this opportunity. Thank you very much and I'm so sorry also."

I'm leaving the café but she could see me. I don't want her to cuz that's what I agreed with, but I don't  want to stay here any longer.

"Excuse me," I said to one of the crew. "Do you have a back-door I can exit to? I just need to meet someone outside and surprise her." palusot ko but unfortunately, the crew is not convince. "Nandiyan na kasi siya sa may tapat at para naman hindi siya maguilty na sobrang late siya sa usapan namin. Padaan na lang ako sa likod." mabuti na lang. He's hard to please, how much more when I'll please Gayle.

I left the place and went up town just to find myself entering a mall. I ask myself and then see my reflection so annoyed. I got more annoyed. I keep on strolling, however, in some part of my mind, I need to find a salon. I want to make a better self why not start with my looks, yeah? Before meeting her.

I've spent over an hour in the salon. I changed my hairstyle, and they suggested that I could change also the way I dress. I'm so formal, bagay ko din naman daw maging ragged, wear a cargo shorts and a simple tshirt and they even tried to give me baseball cap to wear.

"Not bad." I said while checking myself in the mirror. "I'm totally different; the cap is just good for the night, I won't wear it as a statement. Okay, thank you."

I left the salon and headed to a fashion boutique; but I did not make it to the boutique because I've saw someone. I followed her. I'm so confused right now, how could she been so happy and sad at the same time? But she looks happier now though. I could see it in her walk and how she moves her hands while walking. She seems so lost, and stiff. Damn, I should really follow her baka may mangyari pang masama sa kaniya sa daan, madilim na sa labas.

She rides in a jeep,  and my mind was: "Bakit ka nag-jeep naka mabastos ka niyan, ano ka ba?"

I've waited for the jeep to move and then hurry to hold outside. I want to peek inside and check on her but there's a possibility na makita niya ako. I dont want that to happen.
After some minutes ay may nagpara. I check by my peripheral vision, and that is her. Kung gaano ako kaliksi nung sumabit ay ganun din ako kabilis bumaba.
I stop for a while in a store to buy water, at para na rin makalayo siya ng konti bago ko siya sundan. It sounds stalker-ish.

She's now approaching a street, a little dark street, there are streetlights but the gaps are so wide. In the second street light, she stops. I stop also in a dark area. For how many times, and often I stare and studying her face and expression, I could say that she is expressing a concerned emotion mix with excitement. I could easily read her expressions but what's going on in her mind is so impossible.

My heart races, and there's a kick in my mind that wants to protect her. There's a guy that approached her at mukhang sinasaktan siya, but I know Gayle. She's all right now, somehow. It looks like they are just talking. But when the moment I saw her cry, I really want to come near her and comfort her. Who is this guy by the way? It seems like she knows him. Is this the Jack guy she mentioned earlier, isn't he? I feel so. And for the second time, she is hurt and crying, I couldn't do anything. I hate myself. I want to punch myself.

For now, I could not see her. I only see him, crying; a manly cry. I know because I used to cry that way everytime I was alone at home,  and everytime I miss her. She has a way to make guys cry over her. She does not meant it but we just can not help it.  For me, I cry over her because I really want to take care of her, and to love her, and for her to feel that I really really do, but my efforts are not enough and I don't know what else to do so I just cry.

Natauhan ako bago pa man ako maiyak ulit. At nawala na rin siya sa liwanag. Hinanap ko sila with my eyes only and I saw him in front of an apartment unit. Maybe this is where Gayle is living now. Sana naman ay okay ka na dito, okay ang ventilation ng bahay mo, sana safe ka, at sana masaya ka... At sana rin, masabi ko sa'yo ang lahat nang kailangan kong sabihin kapag magkakausap na tayo.

Ilang minuto ang lumipas ay lumabas ka. Ayaw kong nakikita kang malungkot, pero mas ayaw kong nakikita kang may kasamang iba, pero pinaka-ayaw ko sa lahat ay yung nakikita kang masaya na may kasamang iba. So ironic. And I hate the next thing I'm about to witness, I could feel it, it could break me. It could break my heart and, it may sounds impossible but also the heart within my heart is breaking.


o(╥﹏╥)oo(╥﹏╥)oo(╥﹏╥)o


GAYLE'S POV


After kong ibigay kay Papa yung naiwan niyang file case ay dumaan muna ako isang mall. Bumili ng konting supplies sa grocery at naglibot sa department store. I'm walking alone in between of those hung clothes while listening to the music on my earphones. This is good, being alone for a while, doing things on my own. At walang iniisip na problema bukod sa kung ano ang pwedeng bilhin.

Matapos kong makipagtalo sa sarili ko kung ano ang bibilhin ay nagpasya akong bumili ng casual dress at kapartner nitong ballerina shoes. Wala kasi akong maisusuot sa aking case study presentation sa susunod na linggo; hiling ko lang huwag naman sana akong tumaba para magkasya pa.

Pagkatapos kong magbayad ay nakaramdam ako ng gutom kaya imbes na dumiretsong palabas ng mall ay bumili muna sa ako Fruitas ng kanilang Autumn Four-seasons fruit shake.

Nag-jeep na lang ako pauwi, para kasing delikado mag-taxi sapagkat madilim na at malapit na naman ako sa aking uuwian.

I'm so lost with my music kaya nalagpas ako, second time in a single day. But it's okay, I'm still good until I see the front door of my unit. There's a sleepy, knee-hugger Jack sitting.

I want to turn back. Ayoko siya makaharap, wala akong mukhang ihaharap, at...oh please, mamatay sana itong ilaw sa tapat ko, para di niya ako makita. Pero ayan na siya, tumayo na at nakatingin sa akin. What should I do?

I really don't know what to do and I am really too late to do anything because just after I blink my eyes, he's now in front of me holding  my wrist.

"Wait," I sniff. " You are drunk, aren't you? Why are you drinking?"

"Because you're avoiding me. Don't push me away, Gayle. I want you here beside me of all times, I don't want to take my eyes off you. Please, Gayle just let me take care of you."

Not because he is crying, all the words he just said got pierced into my heart, but because in the way he said it, and it's in english which I don't usually hear from him.
I don't want to feel guilty in this way. He's drunk, he really does smell like an alcohol and that alcohol is getting into me I might accept his demand.

"You know what, you should go home. Lasing ka tapos pagod ako, we can't make this straight. Let's talk some other time, Jack." I walk towards my unit in a faster phase hoping to just lock myself inside without him getting on my way but with his all strength that grabs my wrist again, I couldn't move any further. He's pulling me close to him but I'm trying my best to resist and loosen up his grip but instead, I lose grip on my shopping bags.

"Holy crap, Jack!" sigaw ko sa kaniya, "Nagtitimpi lang ako sa'yo at ayaw kong mag-iskandalo dito dahil sa ginagawa mo pero sumobra ka na eh. You've crossed the line. Bitawan mo 'ko!!!"

Nung ayaw niya akong bitawan ay ako na ang pilit nag-alis sa kanyang kamay na mahigpit nakahawak sa aking braso, at pinulot ang aking shopping bags at tumakbo papasok ng unit.
I'm devastatedly crying over what had just happened. I'm thinking of giving him a chance to let the issue between us clearer but what he just did to me and to my new dress is unforgivable!

"Gayle," he's still has the guts to come near me and knock on my door. Ang kapal. "Gayle.. Buksan mo 'to, papasukin mo 'ko. Sige na... Sorry na, mag-usap tayo."

I breathe in and out deeply. Mula sa pagkakaupo sa likod ng pinto ay tumayo ako at kinausap si Jack na nasa kabilang side.

"Jack. Umuwi ka na lang muna at bukas na lang tayo mag-usap kapag matino ka na. Mas ayaw kitang kausapin kapag ganyan ka. Sige na, bukas na lang."

"Ano ba Gayle, kausapin mo ako. Buksan mo 'tong pinto. Hindi ako aalis dito. Hindi naman ako lasing eh, nakainom lang ako para magkalakas loob humarap sa'yo; madalas mo na akong itinataboy at iniiwasan, nahihiya na rin ako pero ayaw kong mawala ka."

Hindi pwede. Hindi. Hindi pwedeng dito kami sa loob kung sakaling magbago ang isip ko na kausapin siya. Hindi ko pwedeng buksan itong pinto. Lasing siya.

"Gayle..." patuloy niyang sinasabi, paulit-ulit at pahina nang pahina. Tahimik na lang akong nakasandal sa pinto, mga mata'y nakapikit. "Gayle, mahal kita. Sa kabila ng ginawa mo sa akin dapat kinasusuklaman na kita..."
Dapat nga pero bakit hindi niya ginawa? Eh yon naman ang gusto kong gawin niya.

"...pero heto ako, mahal pa rin kita. Gago na kung gago, tanga na kung tanga pero wala na akong ibang masabi pa, mahal talaga kita. Kaya sana naman, huwag mo akong iwasan; sa bawat iwas mo dun ako nasasaktan eh..."
Nasasaktan rin naman ako sa tuwing nakikitang okay ka lang sa kaniya ang lahat nang ginawa ko eh, na para bang walang problema. Mas gusti kong makita na galit siya sa akin.

"At alam kong mahirap para sa'yo pero gusto kitang tulungan, it may sound selfish, Gayle, but I really want to help you. Kung kaya ko lang ibalik yung oras sa mga panahon na okay tayo, yung wala pang tayo, gagawin ko makasama ka lang ulit nang walang hadlang; yung ang saya-saya lang natin. Walang commitment, yung walang feelings. Kung kaya ko lang. Pero hindi na mabubura pa na minahal talaga kita. Kung kaya ko lang talaga... I miss those times Gayle, I really miss you."

Yan lamang ang aking mga narinig sa kanya dahil umiiyak na ako. Hindi ko napigilan, sobrang sakit, sobrang nakakapanghinayang. Ang tanga ko din kasi eh.

"Gayle, nandyan ka pa ba? Nakikinig ka ba sa akin? Gayle, mahal kita Gayle!" narinig ko siyang gumalaw, "Magpahinga ka na, pagpasensyahan mo na ako, nagmamahal lang kaya nakakaistorbo. Matulog ka na, Gayle, good night."

Bago pa man siya maglakad palayo, agad kong binuksan yung pinto, pinigilan siyang umalis at gusto ko siyang yakapin pero bigla akong nahiya. Napa-atras lang ako, pero siya na itong gumawa ng paraan para magkadikit ang aming katawan sa isa't isa.

We're so close, after a long time, again. We stayed like that for a couple of minutes. The night is so quiet so we could hear our own heartbeats and heavy breathing, and yet we are so calmed.

"Salamat Gayle." hiniwalay niya ako sa pagkakayakap at hinawakan niya ang magkabila kong pisngi, "Salamat." at sinabi niya nang pagkalambing-lambing like he really mean it directly into my eyes. And what happened to the next second was unexpected and it is out of control, neiher of us can't. He kissed me so hard in my lips, it is so hard that I can not pull myself off him, when in fact, I would not pull myself off him. I want him, and I need him. He is what I deserve.


Σ>―(〃°ω°〃)♡→ ⁄(⁄ ⁄•⁄ω⁄•⁄ ⁄)⁄