The Status : Complicated

Status #34 --- Guilty Pressure

"I know I am guilty.
It is my fault, but I'm looking for any other reason to blame besides myself."

.
When he finally hit his motor, and slowly missing in my sight, my inside is also slowly breaking but I need to be strong. I'll deal with him and all of our misunderstandings later today. This is not solely my fault. My anger is triggered when I heard him shout through the phone and just kept quiet after. And then another triggering moment is that he just leaves me without saying a word.

Kainis ka, honeybee! I hate you! Sorry sa pagbayad ko sa'yo, I didn't mean that. Gusto ko lang naman magbiro. But you took it the wrong way. Kainis ka! Huwag mo sana akong  bigyan ng dahilan para pagsisihan na ibinigay ko na sa'yo ang puso ko. Sana hindi ka kagaya ng iba na kapag sinagot na sila ng kanilang nililigawan ay nawawala na yung effort at lambing.

Hindi nawawala sa isip ko ang mga bagay na kagaya ng nabanggit ko kahit pa na ibinubuhos ko ang aking atensyon sa niluluto ko. Hindi ko maiwasan; at sa mga pagkakataon na chinicheck ko ang oras sa cellphone ko ay gusto kong makita na may message siya, at gusto kong tawagan siya. Subalit ayaw ko, siya dapat ang unang humingi ng tawad.

Nababalisa ako sa kakahintay. Nag-aabang ng text niya, at umaasa sa tawag niya. Malapit na akong matapos sa mga niluluto ko, tapos biglang may problema akong naisip. Paano ko ito madadala lahat kila Heidi? I'm still hoping though that he will come and fetch me, but I hold on to that thought. There is a buzz on my phone, a message, no there are two messages from Heidi. First one, telling me that I could go to the academy for a ride with Robert and the rest of the group; but followed with a message that they left already. I could use that ride with them for I have things to carry; but, I am a strong woman, I can bring them alone!

I know I think I am one strong independent woman but I still need help, specifically, of one person. I also know that I could just send him a message or tap his name on my phone, yet I just can't do it easily this time. Some weird force is pulling my finger away – pride and ego.

I ended up not fighting that force. I packed all of my needs, and call a "special" tricycle ride to take me to Heidz's house that only took a few minutes.

"Oh, ano yang dala mo?" she asks. Eksaktong nakasalubong niya ako sa harap ng kanilang bahay.

"Sweet corn ala Gayle. Sabay-sabay nating tikman pangmeryenda." I gladly say; and I ask also for her assistance to carry one bag.

"Bagay ba yan dito sa softdrinks?" she asks thoughtfully, but immediately changed her expression. "Siya nga pala, girl, nag-away ba kayo ng pinsan ko? Daig niya natalo sa pustahan sa hitsura niya eh."

I'm not sure kung ano ba nangyari sa amin eh.

"Yata... Hindi siguro kami nagkaintindihan sa isang bagay. Ewan ko din eh. Sinigawan niya ako sa phone tapos binabaan pa ako."

"Kaloka kayo ha.. Pag-usapan niyo yan. Siguraduhin ninyong magkakaayos kayo ngayon at huwag sanang makaapekto yang hindi niyo pagkakaintindihan sa kailangan nating gawin ngayon. Kailangan dapat pulido na tayo pagdating ng Lunes."

I agree and give her assurance that we will not let this problem between us be their problem too. Sana i-approach niya ako, at sana mauna siyang mag-sorry because he knows how bad I am in approaching people.

We're now inside and all of them are sitting around the living room chatting, laughing, and they enjoy working. They greeted me joyfully. I smiled, targetting each face, but I don't see the face I like to see.

"Naks, responsible students ah!" sambit ni Heidz sa kanila. "Akala kong madadatnan ko nasa kusina pa kayo kumakain at nagkukwentuhan lang eh."

"Ang tagal mo bumalik with the drinks eh." -Sam