Ace

I'll do it...

Grail ended up falling asleep. Curled up in my lap like a toddler. I carried him to our room and put him in our bed tucking him under the covers. I turned back to the door quietly stepping forward.

"Where you going?" asked a small voice as I turned around.

"I thought you were asleep."

"Mm, I was."

"Sounds like you still are," I said chuckling.

"Mm."

"Go back to sleep I'll just be in the living-"

"No, stay here. Come lay with me."

"Lay in here awkward while you sleep mmm sounds so appealing love."

"I'm not asleep, I'm talking."

"Oh right I forgot mumbling in the new talking. And keeping your eye's clothed is totally a sign of awakeness."

"Shut up, just lay with me. If I fall asleep you can leave."

I rolled my eye's and crawled into the bed under Grail's arm.

"You're gonna shut out link down again if you keep pushing away your thoughts," he mumbled into my neck.

"I'm not."

"Yes you are I can feel the guilt embarrassment mass up you have right now. Not to mention hear you telling yourself to shut up as you try to swipe away the thoughts and mental images. Don't lie."

"I forgot that we have a stronger link and it was harder to block stuff."

"I know you did, hence the lie."

"Yah yah. I thought you were gonna sleep."

"I told you I'm awake."

"Then why are we laying in bed?"

"Cuz I'm comfortable."

"So what are you trying so hard to push down."

"Same stuff as always. Increasingly so today."

"Can I help?"

"No, no there's nothing to do about it. Just ignore and lock up til I can and the-"

"Then it's like in hell."

"No no it's not. Cuz I'm not going to be like I was. Ill just, just be angry at me and not you."

"Meaning what love? You're going to beat yourself up instead? That's not a solution it just changes to focus."

"So what I'm hell me again. I'm not doing that. This is the only way I see it working. I don't know how else to deal with it and make it to away."

"But it doesn't make it to away. It's like it's a bully wanting money, you give the money and it leaves you alone for a while but it always comes back. And I think you know what you have to do, you just don't want to do it."

"That will never happen."

"Why?"

"Cuz I can't."

"Can't or won't."

"Either way you won't get me to talk because I don't have to."

"But you'll have too. Eventually you'll have too. You won't be able to hold it all in forever love. And maybe it will take a long time. Maybe, god saved it, but maybe it will take you... hurting yourself. Maybe more than once or twice, but you're going to have to talk about it."

As he talked he hugged my waist tighter.

"Ok."

"What?"

"You want to know all the crap and bad and pain, fine. I'll do it."