The Bucket List ➡️ Ashton Irwin

Chapter 18 - Attend a strangers funeral (x)

Dear diary, (17/01/2014)

"Should I kill myself, or have a cup of coffee?"

― Albert Camus

--

"Are you sure about this?" I whisper to Ashton as we walked into the unfamiliar cemetery.

"Yeah, says it starts at 2, it's 1:50 now." He says.

"No, I mean are you sure about this?"

"Yeah, you?" He asks.

"Yeah." I nodded reassuringly at him.

"Show time." He smiled holding my hand, as we walked through the cemetery trying to spot the memorial. We didn't know the person of course, we didn't even know their name. Ashton claimed that he 'heard' a woman at the grocery store talking about a funeral that was taking placing today at this cemetery at 2.

I initially felt weird about it, but Ashton made it seem like nothing could go wrong. We even had a plan. We would act like a friend of the deceased, either an ex or a friend from school, whatever. It would easily get us a seat, as these gatherings weren't really specific. If you knew the person that passed, you were immediately declared as not okay and were given unwanted comfort. Even from those who needed it most.

We spotted a group of people in black surrounding an area of grass. Ashton lead me towards the group of people and we took a seat at the only available chairs. Ashton held onto my hand tightly as we waited in silence with the rest of the people for the priest or however did all the god stuff to speak.

A lady that was sitting next to Ashton put her hand on his shoulder and smiled at him, her eyes on the verge of spilling. "You knew Brax?" She smiled a sad smile and Ashton nodded.

"He was a great friend." Ashton said and turned back to me, squeezing my hand. I could tell that he felt awkward and guilty.

"Hello, family and friends." A man standing at a podium behind the flower covered casket spoke into the microphone. "We are gathered here today to say goodbye to a special someone. Braxton Fitzwilliam, a son and a friend of many.

He was a kind hearted soul and is with god now. He was a happy, kid and it took us all by surprise when the news came that he had in fact, taken his own life."

I immediately felt Ashton's body stiffen next to me and his grip on my hand become more intense.

"We mustn't feel guilty, for he is happier now. "

The guy spoke for a few more minutes about angels and stuff before inviting people up to speak. His parents were far too unstable to speak so one of his friends from school did. The funeral was far too short for it to end now, so the guy up the front was pressing people to talk about Brax, and I was more than shocked when Ashton volunteered.

"I'd like to say something." He said as his stood up, my grip on his hand tightening.

"What do you think you're doing?" I whispered, but he ignored me and made his way up to the front. He smiled at the crowd and they all smiled back.

"So." He cleared his throat and began to speak. "I didn't know Bruce," My eyes immediately went wide, but Ashton luckily corrected himself. "Um, Brax, as much as I would have liked to. But I'm telling you all now that it was a great privilege for me to have once met him. I wish I could tell you all about our friendship, but best be left to imagination."

He chuckled, and so did the crowd. "The pope dude is right though." He said and motioned back towards the priest looking guy. "We mustn't feel guilty. We had no recollection of him ever wanting help or asking for help, nor did we even recognize the signs. He was a good guy and he should have went on to have a good life." He said and breathed out.

"Some people are just too scared to ask for help." And with that said, he left the podium, but didn't return to his seat beside me. Instead, I watched him walk in the opposite direction, further into the cemetery.

Ashton obviously took this whole thing more seriously than I thought he would. People then started getting up and laying more flowers, I took that as a chance of a getaway and ran off to find Ashton. He didn't go far. I walked up beside him and grabbed his hand as he stopped pacing.

"You're crazy."

"Don't, Charlie." He spat and jerk his had from mine and continued to pace back and forth. I couldn't help but dislike it when he called me 'Charlie' instead of 'Charles' like he usually did.

"Ashton-"

"Stop it!" He yelled. "God! This is, this is- god!" I indistinctly backed away from him, I had never seen him this angry. "He, he killed himself Charlie." He whispered and stopped pacing. "We, were going to- you were going to, I-I." He stutters, not finding the right words.

"I can help, I know what you're going thro-"

"No you don't! You don't hurt like I do! If you did, you would've jumped when you had the chance."

"Ash-"

"And neither of us hurt like he did!" He yelled and pointed in the direction where we had come from.

"If we did, we would both be dead. We are far too fixed on being sad, and we fail to do anything about it. We're failures Charlie. Failures."

"Ashton." I said sternly and he stopped pacing.

"Just go."

"I'm not leaving without you." I scoffed. He was just beginning to realize the realness of new years night and the outcomes if we had both jumped.

"Then I guess you wont be leaving."

"I guess not." I challenged and sat down on the grass, crossing my legs.

"Charles-" He said and turned around to face me. "Get up." He said as he held his arms out to help me up. "You're going to ruin your dress." I was beginning to get whiplash from his moods swings I swear.

"Let's go then, we don't have to be here." He nodded and grabbed for my head this time, squeezing it so that even if I wanted to, I couldn't let it go.

"I'm sorry." He said as walked through the grass, navigating between graves. "I just, cemeteries make me feel, I don't know." he shook his head.

I nodded and we continued walking. We nearly got to the gate when Ashton stopped, releasing my hand for the thousandth time that day.

"Ashton." I said as he walked towards a headstone in the distance, ignoring me. He stopped in front of it, his eyebrows furrowed. I didn't want to be nosey, it could be his parents for all I know. He slowly knelt down, touching the grass, then skimming his fingers over the letters engraved into the headstone.

His lip began to quiver and I could see that he was on the verge of breaking down. His jaw was clenched as well as his fists, so I ran up to him and pulled him up, dragging him outside of the gates. Even though I only got a quick glance at the headstone, the name engraved on it was swirling through my head.

Who the hell was Megan Taylor?

That's when I knew that it wasn't the cemetery itself that got him frustrated and angry, it was who was buried in it that made a whole new side to Ashton appear.